Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!


Whether you are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead today, or honoring an older Deity like Eostre, may you have a blessed and lovely day.

The underlying message is the same either way. Both traditions speak of rebirth and renewal at this time when the earth is coming alive again. Both speak of hope, and of miracles existing in our lives.

I have felt the hand of winter very hard upon me this year, and spring is more welcome than I can say... I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions. Spring Resolutions always seemed to make more sense to me. This year my resolution is to love more perfectly. To love those who have hurt me, and to forgive them. To approach every person with compassion and understanding, to never let myself be swayed by hurt feeling, or to react out of anger. As the world changes and awakens around me, I will be striving to make changes in myself, to foster a rebirth of my spirit. In the coming year I will love even those who have caused me incredible amounts of pain. I will recognize that there is something good, something lovable in them, even if I can not see it.

May the coming of spring, and the hope and renew of the season give you a reason to rejoice as well. Blessed be.

Maybe not then...

I should have known. Really, I just should have known that having any faith at all in my father was a bad idea. A gigantic, huge, colossally bad idea. Apparently his idea of helping me out is telling me that I'll need to start saving my pennies. As if I don't fucking know that already!

Every time I think I can depend on him, even a little, he lets me down. And every time I swear that it's going to be the last time. That I'm going to cut all ties with him for the sake of my own mental health. And what do you know, 2 years later, and I'm going through the same shit again.

This time really is going to be the last time. So far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father.

An older poem

So, I'm going to be seeing my father on Christmas, and spending a day with him next week. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this. I'm sure everything will go fine, and it will be a lovely time and all of that. I'm just not sure how I'm going to feel about our relationship after I see him. Sure, now I can say that the arrangement we have works perfectly well for me. It's a lot easier to say when you haven't seen some one in a year and a half. I'm hoping I'll be able to say the same thing next Thursday night.

At any rate, I wrote this poem in August, and appearently never posted it. So here it is, my poem about my father-

Cool and distant

I am the moon in your sky
you love to lift me up
and watch me shine
you always leave me hanging
alone in cold empty space
oh, would that I were the sun!
with the power to burn,
to keep you far away
never close enough
to hear you say
that you love me
and want to be near me
never close enough to hurt me
I wish for your love, your approval
I wish for things I will never have
I hang cold and silent
closing in on myself
hiding my light inch by inch
in hopes of evading your grasp

08-16-06