Things are pretty good here. Well, they range from down right wonderful to pretty good, I suppose I should say... When did things get so complicated anyway, my friends? One of the continual disappointments of adulthood has been the fact that things don't get any easier. On the contrary, they seem to get more complex the older I get... I think I may have made a mistake tonight. One I don't know if I'll get a change to rectify. One I really hope I will. Or at least, I hope that my idea/plan doesn't backfire on me... I suppose that what I really want right now is to talk to someone who understands me intuitively, some one who loves me... I'd settle for a hug though... Any takers?
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
yup
I should have seen it coming. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. I doubt it though. After all, I don't really want to learn.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter everyone!
Whether you are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead today, or honoring an older Deity like Eostre, may you have a blessed and lovely day.
The underlying message is the same either way. Both traditions speak of rebirth and renewal at this time when the earth is coming alive again. Both speak of hope, and of miracles existing in our lives.
I have felt the hand of winter very hard upon me this year, and spring is more welcome than I can say... I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions. Spring Resolutions always seemed to make more sense to me. This year my resolution is to love more perfectly. To love those who have hurt me, and to forgive them. To approach every person with compassion and understanding, to never let myself be swayed by hurt feeling, or to react out of anger. As the world changes and awakens around me, I will be striving to make changes in myself, to foster a rebirth of my spirit. In the coming year I will love even those who have caused me incredible amounts of pain. I will recognize that there is something good, something lovable in them, even if I can not see it.
May the coming of spring, and the hope and renew of the season give you a reason to rejoice as well. Blessed be.
Whether you are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead today, or honoring an older Deity like Eostre, may you have a blessed and lovely day.
The underlying message is the same either way. Both traditions speak of rebirth and renewal at this time when the earth is coming alive again. Both speak of hope, and of miracles existing in our lives.
I have felt the hand of winter very hard upon me this year, and spring is more welcome than I can say... I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions. Spring Resolutions always seemed to make more sense to me. This year my resolution is to love more perfectly. To love those who have hurt me, and to forgive them. To approach every person with compassion and understanding, to never let myself be swayed by hurt feeling, or to react out of anger. As the world changes and awakens around me, I will be striving to make changes in myself, to foster a rebirth of my spirit. In the coming year I will love even those who have caused me incredible amounts of pain. I will recognize that there is something good, something lovable in them, even if I can not see it.
May the coming of spring, and the hope and renew of the season give you a reason to rejoice as well. Blessed be.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
It's been one hell of a week...
Sorry I haven't been posting anything folks. As stated above, it's been one hell of a week. I went home for a few days, which was nice. I really needed to get away from everything to preserve my sanity. And when I got back I seem to have stepped into a shit storm of drama. Which confused the hell outta me. I have never, in my adult life been involved with drama of this level.
This is how I felt on Monday-
(This is from Natalie Dee's webcomic, btw.)
It was really hurtful to me, because all of this crap was going on surrounding me, and I was the last to know about any of it...I feel that a lot of things got blown out of proportion, and that all of this could have been avoided by the instigator of all of this talking to me, not talking to everybody else about me.
How do I feel about all of this drama? Well, that's any easy question to answer -
Really, I hate drama. I don't understand why it needs to happen at all. If people were just upfront about things, there would be no drama. Which would be a beautiful, beautiful thing...
One of the things that suck the most about all of this is that it's caused a lot of hurt to some people that I care about very much. And that's just not okay with me. Which again, could have been avoided by this person talking to myself and another person instead of about us...
*sighs* The whole situation just sucks, a lot. I'm not going to go into details here, because I think that it's unnecessary, and unproductive. I will say that I am very hurt by all of this, and a bit confused as to why it happened. And I am still pissed about it. I'm trying not to be angry, because I know that anger will solve nothing. The only thing anger will do is make me miserable. Of course, it doesn't make it much easier not to be angry. I'll be happy when all of this is over with, and I can go back to my normal drama free life...
This is how I feel now -
and
This is how I felt on Monday-
(This is from Natalie Dee's webcomic, btw.)
It was really hurtful to me, because all of this crap was going on surrounding me, and I was the last to know about any of it...I feel that a lot of things got blown out of proportion, and that all of this could have been avoided by the instigator of all of this talking to me, not talking to everybody else about me.
How do I feel about all of this drama? Well, that's any easy question to answer -
Really, I hate drama. I don't understand why it needs to happen at all. If people were just upfront about things, there would be no drama. Which would be a beautiful, beautiful thing...
One of the things that suck the most about all of this is that it's caused a lot of hurt to some people that I care about very much. And that's just not okay with me. Which again, could have been avoided by this person talking to myself and another person instead of about us...
*sighs* The whole situation just sucks, a lot. I'm not going to go into details here, because I think that it's unnecessary, and unproductive. I will say that I am very hurt by all of this, and a bit confused as to why it happened. And I am still pissed about it. I'm trying not to be angry, because I know that anger will solve nothing. The only thing anger will do is make me miserable. Of course, it doesn't make it much easier not to be angry. I'll be happy when all of this is over with, and I can go back to my normal drama free life...
This is how I feel now -
and
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Well, how about that!
I found out today that a certain person I had been friends with for years has now decided that he doesn't like me anymore. This is because of my break up with Kyle last fall. Said friend in question never talked to me about it, never even tried to be objective or get my side of the story. I could go into a lengthy explanation of how I feel about it, but Drew at Toothpaste For Dinner has already summed it up for me, with a chart even!
I'm not terribly surprised by this. Or upset really. After all, this is a friend that I have been limiting my time with considerably, because of his constantly negative, hostile attitude. I am disappointed in him though. I obviously had thought that he was more deserving of respect than he was.
*shrugs* Oh well.
I'm not going to miss you in mine!
(You know, even though he only has three digits on each hand, I like to think that it's a double flip off.)
I'm not terribly surprised by this. Or upset really. After all, this is a friend that I have been limiting my time with considerably, because of his constantly negative, hostile attitude. I am disappointed in him though. I obviously had thought that he was more deserving of respect than he was.
*shrugs* Oh well.
I'm not going to miss you in mine!
(You know, even though he only has three digits on each hand, I like to think that it's a double flip off.)
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas!
I know that thins is a bit early, but I'm not sure when/if I'm have access to a computer again before Christmas, so I'm going to post this a bit early. *smiles*
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day. Much love to everyone!
(I have to admit, the idea of Lenore taking over Santa's job is a little disconcerting!)
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day. Much love to everyone!
(I have to admit, the idea of Lenore taking over Santa's job is a little disconcerting!)
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for This Year
1. All of the insight I've gained this year. It hasn't been an easy year, this is true. I wouldn't trade any of it if I could though. The lessons learned have been worth the pain & difficulty. After all, nothing worth having ever comes easy.
2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!
3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.
4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-
It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!
5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.
6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!
7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.
She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.
8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.
9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.
10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.
PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)
2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!
3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.
4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-
It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!
5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.
6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!
7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.
She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.
8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.
9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.
10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.
PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Nine People
Name 9 people you can think of right off the top of your head. Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 9 people. This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first.. No cheating!!!
1. Bev
2. Kyle
3. Irene
4. Patience
5. Tiff
6. Leni
7. Mike
8. Trevor
9. Colleen
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED OUT THE TOP!
How did you meet 3?
Kyle introduced us.
What would you do if you had never met 1?
What would I do? Probably nothing, since I wouldn't know what a great friendship I was missing out on! Now, if you asked what I'd be doing now if I hadn't met number 1 I'd have a different answer for you. If I hadn't met her, I'd probably be some nice quiet place where I could 'get some rest' by now!
What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Well, that would just be really, really bizarre. I would be okay with it, cause I'm pretty sure that the world would be ending!
How do you know 8?
I met him through a mutual friend when he moved out to Minneapolis. He's dating one of my very best friends. He rocks!
What do you think about 7?
He's a great guy. Very sweet, and intelligent. I'm glad to have him as one of my friends.He's kind of like the big brother I always wanted.
A fact about 9?
She make the best meat & cheese dip ever! I always have a lot of fun when I'm with her. Okay, so that's two facts. :P
What would you do if 5 confessed they loved you?
I would be scared. And confused. And wonder why when I half-assedly tried to kiss her once when we were drunk in 11th grade she told me to shut up & go to sleep!
Who is 4 going out with?
Jason. A wonderful man she's going to be marrying in June. :)
Has 2 ever been to your house?
Um, I should hope so. We've lived together for the past 5 years!
Would you ever live with 8?
Nah. He's a great guy, but I think that would just be way to weird!
What do you like best about 3?
That she is so sweet, and intelligent, and funny. That she loves me exactly as I am.
Is 2 your best friend?
He's one of my best friends.
Do you miss number 6?
Nah, she's only about 150 feet away from me!
1. Bev
2. Kyle
3. Irene
4. Patience
5. Tiff
6. Leni
7. Mike
8. Trevor
9. Colleen
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED OUT THE TOP!
How did you meet 3?
Kyle introduced us.
What would you do if you had never met 1?
What would I do? Probably nothing, since I wouldn't know what a great friendship I was missing out on! Now, if you asked what I'd be doing now if I hadn't met number 1 I'd have a different answer for you. If I hadn't met her, I'd probably be some nice quiet place where I could 'get some rest' by now!
What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Well, that would just be really, really bizarre. I would be okay with it, cause I'm pretty sure that the world would be ending!
How do you know 8?
I met him through a mutual friend when he moved out to Minneapolis. He's dating one of my very best friends. He rocks!
What do you think about 7?
He's a great guy. Very sweet, and intelligent. I'm glad to have him as one of my friends.He's kind of like the big brother I always wanted.
A fact about 9?
She make the best meat & cheese dip ever! I always have a lot of fun when I'm with her. Okay, so that's two facts. :P
What would you do if 5 confessed they loved you?
I would be scared. And confused. And wonder why when I half-assedly tried to kiss her once when we were drunk in 11th grade she told me to shut up & go to sleep!
Who is 4 going out with?
Jason. A wonderful man she's going to be marrying in June. :)
Has 2 ever been to your house?
Um, I should hope so. We've lived together for the past 5 years!
Would you ever live with 8?
Nah. He's a great guy, but I think that would just be way to weird!
What do you like best about 3?
That she is so sweet, and intelligent, and funny. That she loves me exactly as I am.
Is 2 your best friend?
He's one of my best friends.
Do you miss number 6?
Nah, she's only about 150 feet away from me!
Friday, November 03, 2006
Playlist - becuase somebody else has already said it better!
Assorted stuff that makes me think of some of you. It you think I posted a song in reference to you, you're probably right! But go ahead & send me a message or leave me a comment if you want to know for sure. *grin*
Let Go - Frou Frou
Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
Let Go - Frou Frou
Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply
So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap
here's the day you hoped would never come
don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers
the coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck
there there baby, it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't lose your head
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah
sleeping pills know
sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
you can't keep on like this
now's a bad a time as any
there there baby it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't kill yourself
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah
Lullaby – Assemblage 23
May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore
And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay
As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change
Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before
As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake
And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay
Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness
Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before
The Walk – Imogen Heap
Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now because you and I were never meant to meet
I think you better leave, it’s not safe in here
I feel a weakness coming on
Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now you're as close as it gets without touching me
And don't make it harder then it already is
I feel a weakness coming on
Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day
That’s where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving
Oh, I was doing so well, could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on
It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, yeah
No, it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault
Thursday, November 02, 2006
A Few Random Thoughts
So, I was going to do a real post today. I was going to do an art post, with links & cool pictures & everything! However, I only had one site that I found interesting enough to share, so I'm just going to wait until next week. So you get a personal update post instead. After all, that's the reason I started a blog, wasn't it? Hold on for just a minute, because I'm not so sure now.
*goes back into my archives & looks it up* (April 2, 2006 if you're interested.)
Yup, that is the reason that I started it. I think that I'm getting better about the whole opening up thing. I really do. Sure I've had a few set backs. A couple of very painful experiences regarding trusting other people with my feelings, and a lot of heartbreak. I've learned a lot though. About myself, about people I thought I knew, and about human nature in general. And a hell of a lot about love.
At this point I'd like to say thank you to all of those people that have helped me gain all of this insight. Some of you know who you are.
And I'd like to say an even larger thank you to all of you who have been there for me while all this learning has taken place. I don't know how I would have managed it with your unending patience, beers, offers to crash on your couch, distractions and shoulders to cry on through all of my circular logic, mopey silences, grieving, finally accepting things as they are, and all of my scatteredness with all of the change going on. Bev & Patience, you have both gone above & beyond the call of friendship, and I am so thankful for you both. There are no words to tell you the gratitude, respect, and love I have for both of you.
I'm looking forward to 2007. This has been a pretty rough year for pretty much every one I know. At least there is finally light on the horizon!
I'm also looking forward to Seattle. A new city, a fresh start and all that. I think that I'm going to end up needing to pretty much cut ties with everyone for a few months once I get there. Not so much for my sake as for every one else's. I know that I'm going to self destruct a bit. And now that I've cured myself of all of my vices, it's going to happen in more subtle ways. It's probably going to be pretty messy inside of my head for a while. No one else needs to see that. Yes, I know that's what my friends are there for. I don't want to drag any one else down with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything harmful to myself. I'm not going to take up any unsafe behaviors, I promise. I won't let myself sink too low either. I've been through much worse and been able to pull myself back out of it. I don't expect this time will be any different. Plus, I enjoy life way too much to let myself stay down for very long.
Things are already so much better than they were a month ago even. I've been able to strengthen a few old friendships, and make a couple of new ones. One person in particular has done a lot to help restore my faith in humanity in general. It's kind of funny how much we affect each other's lives, often with out realizing it. After having only known him for more than a day or so, he already had quite an impact on me. I've very glad to have meet him, even if he may be trying to kill me!
Okay, I think that this is enough sharing for one day!
*goes back into my archives & looks it up* (April 2, 2006 if you're interested.)
Yup, that is the reason that I started it. I think that I'm getting better about the whole opening up thing. I really do. Sure I've had a few set backs. A couple of very painful experiences regarding trusting other people with my feelings, and a lot of heartbreak. I've learned a lot though. About myself, about people I thought I knew, and about human nature in general. And a hell of a lot about love.
At this point I'd like to say thank you to all of those people that have helped me gain all of this insight. Some of you know who you are.
And I'd like to say an even larger thank you to all of you who have been there for me while all this learning has taken place. I don't know how I would have managed it with your unending patience, beers, offers to crash on your couch, distractions and shoulders to cry on through all of my circular logic, mopey silences, grieving, finally accepting things as they are, and all of my scatteredness with all of the change going on. Bev & Patience, you have both gone above & beyond the call of friendship, and I am so thankful for you both. There are no words to tell you the gratitude, respect, and love I have for both of you.
I'm looking forward to 2007. This has been a pretty rough year for pretty much every one I know. At least there is finally light on the horizon!
I'm also looking forward to Seattle. A new city, a fresh start and all that. I think that I'm going to end up needing to pretty much cut ties with everyone for a few months once I get there. Not so much for my sake as for every one else's. I know that I'm going to self destruct a bit. And now that I've cured myself of all of my vices, it's going to happen in more subtle ways. It's probably going to be pretty messy inside of my head for a while. No one else needs to see that. Yes, I know that's what my friends are there for. I don't want to drag any one else down with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything harmful to myself. I'm not going to take up any unsafe behaviors, I promise. I won't let myself sink too low either. I've been through much worse and been able to pull myself back out of it. I don't expect this time will be any different. Plus, I enjoy life way too much to let myself stay down for very long.
Things are already so much better than they were a month ago even. I've been able to strengthen a few old friendships, and make a couple of new ones. One person in particular has done a lot to help restore my faith in humanity in general. It's kind of funny how much we affect each other's lives, often with out realizing it. After having only known him for more than a day or so, he already had quite an impact on me. I've very glad to have meet him, even if he may be trying to kill me!
Okay, I think that this is enough sharing for one day!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Note to self, and God
Don't say I didn't try to reach out. Don't you dare say that I wanted to, or was willing to be this cynical and jaded. Don't you ever blame me for my lack of trust in other people. If these last couple of days have taught me nothing else, they have taught me that we are truly alone here. I've learned who my true friends are. Even they have not shown the same loyalty to me that I would, and have, shown to them. The only person I could have depended on to be there for me, I can't ask to be now. This is so hard for the both of us already. I can't ask himto be my strength when I feel weak any longer. I'm going to have to re-learn how to stand on my own, with out ever leaning on any one else. We really are so alone here. I wouldn't take my own life, but were I to die tonight, I would be ready. I don't want to be part of such a self-involved, uncaring world any more.
I thought we were better friends than this...
I have a friend that I thought was a really good friend. When she and her boyfriend broke up, I didn't think twice about offering to let her come to my place. For as long as she wanted, or needed for that matter. Because that's waht friends do, right? At least, that's what I always thought. When a close friend is in need, I will do what ever I can to help them. (I should note, that it does take me a long time to get to this point. I can count on on hand the people I would do this for. And I count myself very lucky that it takes more than one finger to count the people I'm willing to go this far for.)
Well, I broke up with my boyfriend (of almost 6 years) yesterday. I saw this friend, we'll call her Jane, on IM a couple of hours ago. I've been feeling much more lonely than I thought I would, so I said hello to her. I told her how lonely I was feeling, and that I was sitting alone, drinking. I also mentioned that I would really like some company right now.
She told me that I should call another friend. We'll call her Jen. ( I spent last night at Jen's apartment, on the couch.) She note's that that way, I'll at least have "a shoulder to cry on."
Now, I know that Jen has to be to work early tomarrow morning. Jane doesn't have to be to work until at least noon, if even then. I mention that, and that I know Jen would stay up all night with me if I asked, but she already has a lot on her plate right now. I don't want to add an extra burden to it.
She says okay, but if I stay at my place, not to drink too much, but she worries. I'm thinking "You worry? Yeah, right! If you worried, you'd be offering to come here, or for me to go there. You know how hard it is for me to open up to people, and to admit that I need any one else. You f*&^ing know how hard it was for me to say this to you, and you know that this is as close as I can come to asking you to be there for me right now."
I know that opening up to others is an area I need to work on. But I also know that she knows this. And that she knows that this is as close as I can come to asking for help. And she's too damn busy talking to her new boyfriend, or what ever to be there when I need her.
I am in so much pain right now. I am so tired of being the strong one, the dependable one. Sometimes I need some one to be there for me, and a chance to cry on some one else's shoulder. I'm so tired of crying alone.
Maybe I expect too much from people, but I really feel like this was a really crappy thing to do. I had thought that maybe the other lesson I had to learn from this was that I need to open up more, and let people in a little bit. Now I'm thinking that maybe the other lesson is that I can not depend on any one else to be there, ever. That I need to get by on what ever strength I can muster on my own. That we all are truely alone.
Well, I broke up with my boyfriend (of almost 6 years) yesterday. I saw this friend, we'll call her Jane, on IM a couple of hours ago. I've been feeling much more lonely than I thought I would, so I said hello to her. I told her how lonely I was feeling, and that I was sitting alone, drinking. I also mentioned that I would really like some company right now.
She told me that I should call another friend. We'll call her Jen. ( I spent last night at Jen's apartment, on the couch.) She note's that that way, I'll at least have "a shoulder to cry on."
Now, I know that Jen has to be to work early tomarrow morning. Jane doesn't have to be to work until at least noon, if even then. I mention that, and that I know Jen would stay up all night with me if I asked, but she already has a lot on her plate right now. I don't want to add an extra burden to it.
She says okay, but if I stay at my place, not to drink too much, but she worries. I'm thinking "You worry? Yeah, right! If you worried, you'd be offering to come here, or for me to go there. You know how hard it is for me to open up to people, and to admit that I need any one else. You f*&^ing know how hard it was for me to say this to you, and you know that this is as close as I can come to asking you to be there for me right now."
I know that opening up to others is an area I need to work on. But I also know that she knows this. And that she knows that this is as close as I can come to asking for help. And she's too damn busy talking to her new boyfriend, or what ever to be there when I need her.
I am in so much pain right now. I am so tired of being the strong one, the dependable one. Sometimes I need some one to be there for me, and a chance to cry on some one else's shoulder. I'm so tired of crying alone.
Maybe I expect too much from people, but I really feel like this was a really crappy thing to do. I had thought that maybe the other lesson I had to learn from this was that I need to open up more, and let people in a little bit. Now I'm thinking that maybe the other lesson is that I can not depend on any one else to be there, ever. That I need to get by on what ever strength I can muster on my own. That we all are truely alone.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Relieved
I finally heard from my dear friend who lives in Russia. (Who I mentioned a couple of posts ago.) She is still in Moscow, safe, and doing alright. I got an email from her this morning. I am so relieved. I was starting to get really worried about her.
I also drank alcohol last night. It was the first time I had a drink after about a month of purposefully not drinking. I was able to have a couple of drinks, and stop there, before I got drunk. I'm relieved and pleased about this. I was a little scared that I was starting to develop a drinking problem. THis doesn't mean I'm going to start allowing myself to drink frequently anytime soonI still intend to stay away from alcohol pretty much until March. I'm happy that I was able to stop at a reasonable point last night though.
I also drank alcohol last night. It was the first time I had a drink after about a month of purposefully not drinking. I was able to have a couple of drinks, and stop there, before I got drunk. I'm relieved and pleased about this. I was a little scared that I was starting to develop a drinking problem. THis doesn't mean I'm going to start allowing myself to drink frequently anytime soonI still intend to stay away from alcohol pretty much until March. I'm happy that I was able to stop at a reasonable point last night though.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I'm starting to get worried or The Georgian/ Russian spy dispute keeps esculating
Okay, so I know that I told you all about this grand idea I had to group together similarly themed articles and post them on particular days of the week. I also know that I haven't done it at all.
At this point you are all thinking "What the hell Aeryn? You're not posting anything but silly blogthing quizzes!" aren't you? Yup, I thought so.
Well here's why, short answer. I've been very worried about a dear, dear friend all weekend. One who I can't get a hold of, and may be stuff in the middle of a very sticky political mess because of her ethnicity. She is a Georgian citizen living in Moscow. (Georgia the country, not the state.) Or at least, she was living in Moscow as of Thursday, which was the last time Xombii or I heard from her. I've been busy hunting down Russian and Georgian news sites in English, and following the story all weekend.
Ready for the full story yet? Here it is-
I have a very dear friend, Xpyredmind, who was born in Georgia and lives in Moscow. She was a foreign exchange student with Xombii's family in high school, and he introduced us through the internet last winter. We immediately connected. In the sort of way that makes me believe in re-incarnation, because there is no other way to explain the way we both instantly warmed to each other. It felt like I had known her all of my life, or perhapes since the beginning of time.
It's not just that I found her to be sweet, and funny, and easy to love. (Although I did.) Or what she had also liked me instantly too. (Although she did.) It wasn't like meeting a stranger that you know you will become friends with. It was more like feeling of a being reunited with a long lost, and much loved friend. We understand each other in the sort of way that only long time friends can. Despite the fact that we don't have that history of shared experiences, and in fact have hugely different pasts. I'm struggling to try to explain my feeling to you here, maybe because I have difficulty explaining them to myself. I suppose that if you have a friendship like this, you will understand. It's not a romantic feeling, nor is it purely just friendship. It goes beyond both. I don't think that there are words for what I want to say. At least not in the English language.
It's probably about time that I start detailing the current situation anyway. I'm going to reference the BBC a lot in here, so please trust me that I've done my homework on this one, because I have. I'll note the other sources I used too. The BBC simply has the most concise articles I've seen. Plus, the articles are written by some one for whom English is their native language, so it's a bit easier to read. If you would like a little background info on the two countries, here is the BBC's profiles for Georgia, and profile for Russia. Here is a good Q&A on Russian-Georgian Ties & Relations.
Here is a pretty good, but very general, article summarizing the events of the past week from Georgia Today.
I'm going to do this in a timeline. I think it will make it easier all around. I'll include links to relevant articles for those who want to a more in depth view of the situation.
Fri, Oct. 27 -
Sun. Oct. 1-
Mon. Oct. 2-
Tues. Oct. 3-
Thurs. Oct. 5-
Fri. Oct. 6-
Sat. Oct. 7-
Sun. Oct. 8-
Mon. Oct. 9-
Sources:
At this point you are all thinking "What the hell Aeryn? You're not posting anything but silly blogthing quizzes!" aren't you? Yup, I thought so.
Well here's why, short answer. I've been very worried about a dear, dear friend all weekend. One who I can't get a hold of, and may be stuff in the middle of a very sticky political mess because of her ethnicity. She is a Georgian citizen living in Moscow. (Georgia the country, not the state.) Or at least, she was living in Moscow as of Thursday, which was the last time Xombii or I heard from her. I've been busy hunting down Russian and Georgian news sites in English, and following the story all weekend.
Ready for the full story yet? Here it is-
I have a very dear friend, Xpyredmind, who was born in Georgia and lives in Moscow. She was a foreign exchange student with Xombii's family in high school, and he introduced us through the internet last winter. We immediately connected. In the sort of way that makes me believe in re-incarnation, because there is no other way to explain the way we both instantly warmed to each other. It felt like I had known her all of my life, or perhapes since the beginning of time.
It's not just that I found her to be sweet, and funny, and easy to love. (Although I did.) Or what she had also liked me instantly too. (Although she did.) It wasn't like meeting a stranger that you know you will become friends with. It was more like feeling of a being reunited with a long lost, and much loved friend. We understand each other in the sort of way that only long time friends can. Despite the fact that we don't have that history of shared experiences, and in fact have hugely different pasts. I'm struggling to try to explain my feeling to you here, maybe because I have difficulty explaining them to myself. I suppose that if you have a friendship like this, you will understand. It's not a romantic feeling, nor is it purely just friendship. It goes beyond both. I don't think that there are words for what I want to say. At least not in the English language.
It's probably about time that I start detailing the current situation anyway. I'm going to reference the BBC a lot in here, so please trust me that I've done my homework on this one, because I have. I'll note the other sources I used too. The BBC simply has the most concise articles I've seen. Plus, the articles are written by some one for whom English is their native language, so it's a bit easier to read. If you would like a little background info on the two countries, here is the BBC's profiles for Georgia, and profile for Russia. Here is a good Q&A on Russian-Georgian Ties & Relations.
Here is a pretty good, but very general, article summarizing the events of the past week from Georgia Today.
I'm going to do this in a timeline. I think it will make it easier all around. I'll include links to relevant articles for those who want to a more in depth view of the situation.
Fri, Oct. 27 -
- Georgians arrest four Russian military officers in Tblisi, the capital, and charged them with spying.
- Moscow immediately demanded their release. Russian president Vladimir Putin says that they if the officers are not returned, Russia will get them back by what ever means necessary.
- Russia's migration service suspends the issuing of all visas to Georgians, and says that 180-day visas held by Georgians already in Russia would be cut to 90 days.
- Georgian citizens on watch growing developments with unease, and pride.
- Georgia's stance sparks pride and fear- BBC Article
Sun. Oct. 1-
Mon. Oct. 2-
- Georgia releases the four Russian officers. They are not doing it because of threats from Russia, or international pressure they say, but as a gesture of goodwill.
- Russia suspends all transportation, post, and money transfers between Russia & Georgia.
Tues. Oct. 3-
- Despite the release of four Russian officers, Russia refuses to lift sanctions.
- Moscow maintains Georgia blockade - BBC
- EU urges Russia to end blockade -BBC
- Unease grips Georgians in Russia - BBC
Thurs. Oct. 5-
- Russia's parliament backs President Putin tough sanctions against Georgia.
- Georgian restaurants and businesses are raided.
- Russia's migration service says that the suspension of visas to Georgians would be extended, and that 180-day visas held by Georgians already in Russia would be cut to 90 days.
- Xombii talks to Xpyredmind briefly on IM. This is the last time that she is on line that I know of.
- Russia turns screw on Georgians - BBC
Fri. Oct. 6-
- Between 130 - 150 Georgian citizens are deported to Tbilsi on supposed visa violations. The Georgians were rounded up in police raids over the previous week. Some deportees say that their documents are in order. Some are married to Russian citizens, have children who are Russian citizens, and have been living in Russia for 20 years or more.
- The Russian plane takes 178 Russians out of Georgia, which Moscow claims is now for its citizens.
- Georgian officials are at the airport to hand each one a basket of grapes and two bottles of wine - one white, one red - before they climbed on board. They were also given red roses, the symbol of a 2003 "Rose Revolution," which propelled Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili to power.
- None of the Russians who spoke to Reuters said they were leaving because they feared staying in Georgia.
- Moscow police ask schools to draw up lists of pupils with Georgian surnames as part of their search for illegal immigrants. Raids on Georgian businesses and citizens continue.
- Georgians deported as row deepens - BBC
- Georgia deportees describe ordeal - BBC
Sat. Oct. 7-
- Georgia's Foreign Minister Gela Bezhuashvili calls Russia's actions a "mild form of ethnic cleansing."
- Georgia chides Russia 'cleansing' - BBC
- Russia tightens screws by starting to deport Georgian 'illegals' - The Independent
- Georgia deportees fly in, Russians leave with wine - Reuters
Sun. Oct. 8-
- Georgia's President Saakashvili prohibits the landing at the Tbilisi airport of Russian emergencies ministry's cargo planes carrying Georgian citizens, saying it was unacceptable to use cargo planes to transport people.
- Russia has no plans to annex Georgian territories - Ivanov - RIA Novosti
Mon. Oct. 9-
- At least 200 additional Georgians living in Moscow await deportation. Some accounts put that number at over 300.
- Even if all their paperwork was in order, Georgian citizens will not be able to go back to Russia for the next five years because of the large stamps in their passports that say DEPORTED.
- Georgians all over Moscow are increasingly afraid because of police round-ups, raids, and civilian violence and hate crimes against Georgians. Many do not want leave their homes. Many no longer have jobs to go to even if they did leave.
- Still no word from my friend. I'm trying to tell myself that she's just laying low for a few days, or spent the weekend at a friends house. I really, really hope that is what is going on.
- Georgian Deportations are "Soft Ethnic Cleansing" - The Messenger
- Georgia delays Russian expulsions - BBC
- Russia asks Georgia to admit 2 evacuating planes in next 2 days - RIA Novosti
- Fearful Georgians Shut Down Stalls and Eateries - The Moscow Times.
- Georgia punished over spy arrests - The Australian
- How the 'Spy Row' as it is being called, started to escalate (BBC Oct. 03, 2006 1min 34sec)
- Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili speaks out (BBC Oct. 02, 2006 3min 10sec)
- In pictures: Russia-Georgia crisis (BBC Oct. 02, 2006)
- In pictures: Russia-Georgia row (BBC Oct. 06, 2006)
Sources:
- The Australian
- BBC News
- CNN
- Georgia Today
- The Independent
- The Messenger
- The Moscow Times
- Reuters
- RIA Novosti (Russian News and Information Agency)
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Please excuse me one moment while I un-bunch my panties.
Please excuse me for one moment, but I've got my panties in a bunch, and I need to vent. In fact they've been bunched for a little while now. I tried to ignore it, but that didn't really work out so well for me, so I'm going to get it out of my system now.
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I did type that is Caps to denote yelling. I think you all know who you are! I am just so sick of it. And tired. I'm so fucking emotionally drained. I'm sick of being miserable about things I can't deal with, and I'm so sick of crying. I've done enough of it already this year. I have enough of my own shit to deal with, I just don't have the time or the energy for the passive-aggressive bullshit right now.
Point One- If you have something to say to me, just say it. Please! If it's something I don't want to hear, or something that may hurt me, don't you think I'll just figure it out eventually anyway? And don't you think it'll hurt me more to find that you didn't feel you could talk to me openly?
Point Two- If you tell other people, it will get back around to me eventually. That's just the way it is. So I wish you'd just tell me in the first place, and avoid the middle man!
Point Three- If you are upset because we are not spending as much time together as we used to, why in the hell wouldn't you say something to me. Something like "Hey, you haven't been around lately. Is everything okay?" just may be a good fucking place to start. Because, yeah, nothing was okay this winter. I felt like my life was falling down around me. I'm still picking up the pieces. So this fucking "Who does Aeryn like better?" bullshit really hurts. It really fucking hurts. More than I can even attempt to convey. In more ways then one. I feel that anyone who really knows me, and cares about me would have called me if I hadn't been around for a couple of weeks, and made sure things were okay. And that anyone who really knows me would know that I don't just drop old friends for knew ones. Period. I have more than one friend that if I met today, I would probably never get to know. But that it irrelevant, because they are my friend. End of story.
Point Four- I guess I'm just really upset. And disappointed. Not just in you, but in myself too. For not being a better judge of character. For allowing myself to love you as friends. I have spent so much time tying to tell myself that it doesn't matter to me. That I could just be the bigger person and let it go. Well, big fucking surprise for me, I can't. No matter how many times I tell myself I can. I have spent so much time being upset over these things, and so much time crying over them, that I just can't to any more. I don't want to, and I don't have the energy. If you have something to say to me, just say it to my face. I think that I deserve that much respect just as a person, if nothing else.
So yeah, thank you to all of you who have actually read this. I think those of you who this is in reference to will know it I hope that, well I don't know what I hope. I know that I feel better for saying it. I guess I hope that it can be a learning experience for us all, and that we can all do better next time.
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I did type that is Caps to denote yelling. I think you all know who you are! I am just so sick of it. And tired. I'm so fucking emotionally drained. I'm sick of being miserable about things I can't deal with, and I'm so sick of crying. I've done enough of it already this year. I have enough of my own shit to deal with, I just don't have the time or the energy for the passive-aggressive bullshit right now.
Point One- If you have something to say to me, just say it. Please! If it's something I don't want to hear, or something that may hurt me, don't you think I'll just figure it out eventually anyway? And don't you think it'll hurt me more to find that you didn't feel you could talk to me openly?
Point Two- If you tell other people, it will get back around to me eventually. That's just the way it is. So I wish you'd just tell me in the first place, and avoid the middle man!
Point Three- If you are upset because we are not spending as much time together as we used to, why in the hell wouldn't you say something to me. Something like "Hey, you haven't been around lately. Is everything okay?" just may be a good fucking place to start. Because, yeah, nothing was okay this winter. I felt like my life was falling down around me. I'm still picking up the pieces. So this fucking "Who does Aeryn like better?" bullshit really hurts. It really fucking hurts. More than I can even attempt to convey. In more ways then one. I feel that anyone who really knows me, and cares about me would have called me if I hadn't been around for a couple of weeks, and made sure things were okay. And that anyone who really knows me would know that I don't just drop old friends for knew ones. Period. I have more than one friend that if I met today, I would probably never get to know. But that it irrelevant, because they are my friend. End of story.
Point Four- I guess I'm just really upset. And disappointed. Not just in you, but in myself too. For not being a better judge of character. For allowing myself to love you as friends. I have spent so much time tying to tell myself that it doesn't matter to me. That I could just be the bigger person and let it go. Well, big fucking surprise for me, I can't. No matter how many times I tell myself I can. I have spent so much time being upset over these things, and so much time crying over them, that I just can't to any more. I don't want to, and I don't have the energy. If you have something to say to me, just say it to my face. I think that I deserve that much respect just as a person, if nothing else.
So yeah, thank you to all of you who have actually read this. I think those of you who this is in reference to will know it I hope that, well I don't know what I hope. I know that I feel better for saying it. I guess I hope that it can be a learning experience for us all, and that we can all do better next time.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
ARRGGGHHHH!
Will you just shut the fuck up? Really, if you can't stop being bitchy and negitive for a whole minute even, then I don't want to be anywhere near you! I am so sick of your pissy attitude. Maybe if you didn't think that everything and everyone else is beneath you, they wouldn't be so irritating to you! Oh, and I've also had enough with the whole tolerate and respect everyone's beliefs & opinions, as long as you agree with them. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I feel better now.
________________________________________________________________
Comments:
Patience:
Aeryn:
Nothing really, just a friend/co-worker with a persestently negitive, whiney, bitchy attitude lately. Needed to vent before I spoke out of anger, that's all. Oh, and the incredulus, almost laughing "Why would you do that?" when I mentioned that I was going to church on Sunday. (And probably Friday night too.)
I knew that if I ddin't get it off my chest, I'd be likely to say something I'd regret later.
Okay, I feel better now.
________________________________________________________________
Comments:
Patience:
And breathe!
What happened?
Patience
___________________________________________________________Aeryn:
Nothing really, just a friend/co-worker with a persestently negitive, whiney, bitchy attitude lately. Needed to vent before I spoke out of anger, that's all. Oh, and the incredulus, almost laughing "Why would you do that?" when I mentioned that I was going to church on Sunday. (And probably Friday night too.)
I knew that if I ddin't get it off my chest, I'd be likely to say something I'd regret later.
Friday, March 24, 2006
talking
All I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
Is there anybody out there I can talk to?
There must be someone out there
that I can tell everything to
There must be someone who will understand me
somewhere
All I want is someone to be able to tell everything to
All I want is someone I can talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
Is there anybody out there I can talk to?
There must be someone out there
that I can tell everything to
There must be someone who will understand me
somewhere
All I want is someone to be able to tell everything to
All I want is someone I can talk to
Saturday, March 31, 2001
Poetry
let me offer up my self
my hopes and fears too
I give it all up
for something that is true
let me offer up my praise
my anger and my love
it is in your hands
for your peace from above
let me offer up my self
all the strong and the weak
I give to you my dreams
for it is your face I seek
3-1-01
A fierce sadness in her soul
hair in shining waves below her shoulders
I want to heal this beauty before me
I want to ease this untamed creature
I know not how to help her
to ease this aching pain with in her
to pull the astounding loveliness from her soul
holding it up to show her all she is
where are the words of peace?
the joy when I need it most to show?
To expose all the wonders she could be
if only she would believe
03/02/01
I am no one's daughter
I stand alone
unclaimed in this city
this wilderness of concrete and brick
untie these silver ribbons
allow me to spread my wings
they itch at my back, wanting to stretch out
I want to fly
I want to rise above these walls
03-06-01
blind me with your love
still my thoughts with passion
you found a way into my heart
then left me out here alone
where are you when I need you now?
nothing here can fill this hole
I love you and I despise you
for making me into this
a weak creature longing for you
I want you near me this night
the moon refuses to show her face
mourning for this travesty in my heart
I am truly alone here
where are you when I need you most?
03-18-01
you have put me in a cage
however unknowing it may have been
you stole my heart from me
when was I negligent in my defenses?
I cling to the bars of my confines
awaiting your return to me
I feel desolate and alone
when will you shine upon me again?
You hold me hostage
what are your demands to set me free?
in your arms I soared
all else was faded shadows
yet I am left all alone
nothing to comfort me here
03-18-01
Alone thoughts crowd my mind
Thoughts of an alien, different kind
Please tell me I'm not something to help time pass
To be cut down like last autumn's grass
I don't want to be just another pair of arms to hold you near
Simply some one close to shut out your fear
I wonder if I should end it now before you break my heart
Maybe I would be released from this longing when we are apart
I wonder if I should simply push you away
Pretend I don't care, preserve my heart for one more day
3-27-01
my hopes and fears too
I give it all up
for something that is true
let me offer up my praise
my anger and my love
it is in your hands
for your peace from above
let me offer up my self
all the strong and the weak
I give to you my dreams
for it is your face I seek
3-1-01
A fierce sadness in her soul
hair in shining waves below her shoulders
I want to heal this beauty before me
I want to ease this untamed creature
I know not how to help her
to ease this aching pain with in her
to pull the astounding loveliness from her soul
holding it up to show her all she is
where are the words of peace?
the joy when I need it most to show?
To expose all the wonders she could be
if only she would believe
03/02/01
I am no one's daughter
I stand alone
unclaimed in this city
this wilderness of concrete and brick
untie these silver ribbons
allow me to spread my wings
they itch at my back, wanting to stretch out
I want to fly
I want to rise above these walls
03-06-01
blind me with your love
still my thoughts with passion
you found a way into my heart
then left me out here alone
where are you when I need you now?
nothing here can fill this hole
I love you and I despise you
for making me into this
a weak creature longing for you
I want you near me this night
the moon refuses to show her face
mourning for this travesty in my heart
I am truly alone here
where are you when I need you most?
03-18-01
you have put me in a cage
however unknowing it may have been
you stole my heart from me
when was I negligent in my defenses?
I cling to the bars of my confines
awaiting your return to me
I feel desolate and alone
when will you shine upon me again?
You hold me hostage
what are your demands to set me free?
in your arms I soared
all else was faded shadows
yet I am left all alone
nothing to comfort me here
03-18-01
Alone thoughts crowd my mind
Thoughts of an alien, different kind
Please tell me I'm not something to help time pass
To be cut down like last autumn's grass
I don't want to be just another pair of arms to hold you near
Simply some one close to shut out your fear
I wonder if I should end it now before you break my heart
Maybe I would be released from this longing when we are apart
I wonder if I should simply push you away
Pretend I don't care, preserve my heart for one more day
3-27-01
Wednesday, January 31, 2001
Poetry
Where does love go when it is lost
do the years eat it away
nibbling around the edges until it is gone
or does it simply fade away
a pressed rose left out in the sun
petals brittle, faded & cracked
crumbling to dust when touched
savage wind blowing it all away
clouds slipping to cover the sun
cover these wounds left in my heart
bleeding holes I don't know how to fill
clouds creating a darkness worse than night
standing alone, no protection from the rain
I wonder where did our love go
how did we let it slip away
out here all alone I know I won't return
1-4-01
curled into a ball of pain
as this fragile kingdom
crashes at my feet
I never wanted this life
I never asked for your love
but I never thought I'd admit defeat
I loved you in the best way I could
still it was never quite enough
to make you give yourself to me
you stayed high above on your throne
if I was your queen or slave, I was never sure
all I could do couldn't make you see
once, you were everything to me
every wish, and dream, and hopeful stare
didn't you know, all I could see was you
thoughtless words that broke me down
spending your charm on every woman but me
I was alone by your side, what else could I do?
returned again to you your crown
no longer reigning sorrow at your side
slipped quietly off this golden throne
I will find my way in the world alone
strength and hope will be my guides
don't you see, I was never yours to own
01-09-01
if I could I would burn down heaven tonight
remove this all from my sight
find a way to gain control
tear down these walls in my soul
is there anyone out there I can truly trust?
or will my heart fade away, falling to dust?
As I cry, my tears make the stone
safe here inside, ever alone
1-17-01
I would sing down the stars
To be with you tonight
I would give anything
To have you in my sight
My empty arms ache
To hold you close to me
You are the only thing
These tired eyes want to see
I will curl under my blanket
With nothing here to hold
And go to sleep another night
These kisses left untold
01/17/01
I never knew
Love could be like this
Gentle and sweet
Such joy in our kiss
I never know
Love like the ocean
Quiet and depth less
A song with each motion
I always knew
Fire and passion soon burn away
But a love like water
Perhaps that can stay
01/21/01
Safe Within the Storm
A dark storm is brewing
Gray clouds are rolling in
Hush my dear sweet child
Think no more of sin
Rain clouds are falling
Portending the coming storm
Sleep now my dear one
My arms to keep you dry and warm
As lightning crashes overhead
Illuminating the night
Rest easy my little one
I will hold you in my sight
01-24-01
do the years eat it away
nibbling around the edges until it is gone
or does it simply fade away
a pressed rose left out in the sun
petals brittle, faded & cracked
crumbling to dust when touched
savage wind blowing it all away
clouds slipping to cover the sun
cover these wounds left in my heart
bleeding holes I don't know how to fill
clouds creating a darkness worse than night
standing alone, no protection from the rain
I wonder where did our love go
how did we let it slip away
out here all alone I know I won't return
1-4-01
curled into a ball of pain
as this fragile kingdom
crashes at my feet
I never wanted this life
I never asked for your love
but I never thought I'd admit defeat
I loved you in the best way I could
still it was never quite enough
to make you give yourself to me
you stayed high above on your throne
if I was your queen or slave, I was never sure
all I could do couldn't make you see
once, you were everything to me
every wish, and dream, and hopeful stare
didn't you know, all I could see was you
thoughtless words that broke me down
spending your charm on every woman but me
I was alone by your side, what else could I do?
returned again to you your crown
no longer reigning sorrow at your side
slipped quietly off this golden throne
I will find my way in the world alone
strength and hope will be my guides
don't you see, I was never yours to own
01-09-01
if I could I would burn down heaven tonight
remove this all from my sight
find a way to gain control
tear down these walls in my soul
is there anyone out there I can truly trust?
or will my heart fade away, falling to dust?
As I cry, my tears make the stone
safe here inside, ever alone
1-17-01
I would sing down the stars
To be with you tonight
I would give anything
To have you in my sight
My empty arms ache
To hold you close to me
You are the only thing
These tired eyes want to see
I will curl under my blanket
With nothing here to hold
And go to sleep another night
These kisses left untold
01/17/01
I never knew
Love could be like this
Gentle and sweet
Such joy in our kiss
I never know
Love like the ocean
Quiet and depth less
A song with each motion
I always knew
Fire and passion soon burn away
But a love like water
Perhaps that can stay
01/21/01
Safe Within the Storm
A dark storm is brewing
Gray clouds are rolling in
Hush my dear sweet child
Think no more of sin
Rain clouds are falling
Portending the coming storm
Sleep now my dear one
My arms to keep you dry and warm
As lightning crashes overhead
Illuminating the night
Rest easy my little one
I will hold you in my sight
01-24-01
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