Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for This Year

1. All of the insight I've gained this year. It hasn't been an easy year, this is true. I wouldn't trade any of it if I could though. The lessons learned have been worth the pain & difficulty. After all, nothing worth having ever comes easy.

2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!

3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.

4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-

It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!

5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.

6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!

7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.

She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.

8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.

9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.


10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.


PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)

Songs for the ocean

A Letter To Elise - The Cure

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like we keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do
I know I'll never really get inside of you
To make your eyes catch fire the way they should
The way the blue could pull me in
If they only would, if they only would
At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else
That hides away

From me to you there are worlds to part
With aching looks and breaking hearts
And all the prayers your hands can make
Oh I just take as much as you can throw
And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away

Like throwing faces at the sky like throwing arms round
Yesterday I stood and stared wide-eyed in front of you
And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to
But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do

Elise believe I never wanted this
I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
But I let the dream go
And the promises broke and the make-believe ran out...

So Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand as fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
At all...


Loose Ends - Imogen Heap

we're kissing without kissing
got it down to a fine art
love's supposed to keep you young & frisky
we grew up and wide apart
not now not ever, no it's never a good time
how will the good times ever roll along
comparing photos that are no longer there
just wondering where it all went wrong

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
we're overrated anyway


Northern Lad - Tori Amos

...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places, but I can't go anymore
"You change like sugar cane" says my northern lad
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars

I feel the west in you
And I feel it falling apart too
Don't say that you don't
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you've got to know
When it's time to turn the page
When you're only wet
Because of the rain


Strange - Tori Amos

Strange, thought I knew you well
Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change in your eyes
So strange
Woke up to a world that I am not a part
Except when I can play it's stranger

...

"Just stay," you said "we'll build a nest"
So I left my life
Tried on your friends, tried on your opinions
So when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
I put our snowflake under a microscope

After all what was I really looking for
and I wonder when will I learn
Maybe my wish knew better than I did
and I wonder when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in deeper than I thought I was
if I have enough love for the both of us

so strange now I'm finally in
the party has begun
it's not like I can't feel you still
but strange
what I will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now I must be leaving

So, things have changed

Well, I suppose I'm technically single now. Xombii & I talked about it yesterday. It was something that we both agreed was the right thing to do.

I know that we'll both be better for it in the long run. I know this is the right thing to do. I didn't know that it would be this hard after the initial conversation. I knew that was going to be hard, but I didn't know that it would stay this difficult after. I know that things will get better, but it sure as hell sucks right now.

How am I doing? Well, if you were to ask me, I'm sure I would say that I'm doing fine. However, I am sitting home alone, on the computer, the better part of the way through a bottle of Ephemere Green Apple ale. You can be the judge of how I'm really doing.

Playlist

Okay, I'm going to do something a little different today. I'm not quite ready to talk about what's been going on lately, so I'm going to put down the lyrics for the songs that I have been listening to a lot, and are descriptive of how I'm feeling.

The Loudest Sound - The Cure
Side by side in silence
They pass away the day
So comfortable, so habitual ...
And so nothing left to say
...
And side by side in silence
Without a single word...
...
It's the loudest sound I ever heard


Underneath the Ice - Assemblage 23
I can feel the violence
Spill across the floor
My eyes have grown too clouded
To see it anymore

Fading into nothing
Turning into steam
Left in desparation
With nothing to redeem

Underneath the ice I find
A place to rest my weary mind
The cold deep water numbs my pain
Until I can face myself again

Waiting for redemption
That never seems to come
Hands reach beneath the surface
But I don't know where from

I'm not ready to return yet
I just need a moment more
So I can try to remember
What it is I came here for

Underneath the ice I find
A place to rest my weary mind
The cold deep water numbs my pain
Until I can face myself again

Sinking Fast
Too dark to see
The buzzing din
Envelopes me
Too late now
Nowhere to go
I'm sinking in
The undertow


Cooling - Tori Amos
Maybe I didn't like to hear
But I still can't believe
Speed Racer is dead
So then I thought I'd make some plans
But fire thought she'd really rather be water instead
...
And I've heard every word that you have said
And I know I have been driven like the snow
This is cooling
Faster than I can
This is cooling
Faster than I can
...
So then love walked up to like
And said I know that you don't like me much
Let's go for a ride
...
And I've heard every word that you have said
And I know I have been driven like the snow, but
This is cooling
Faster than I can
Hey yes, faster than I can
Hey, this is cooling
This is cooling

Love Will Tear Us Apart -Joy Division
When routine bites hard,
And ambitions are low,
And resentment rides high,
But emotions won't grow,
And we're changing our ways,
Taking different roads.

Then love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

Why is the bedroom so cold?
You've turned away on your side.
Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect runs so dry.
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives.

But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.

You cry out in your sleep,
All my failings exposed.
And there's a taste in my mouth,
As desperation takes hold.
Just that something so good
Just can't function no more.

But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.


Signal To Noise - The Cure
Nothing I do makes much sense
Say you don't really get me anymore
I wonder if you ever did... if you ever did at all?

Nothing I want means a lot
Say you don't understand me like before
I'm not sure if you ever did... if you ever did at all?

Nothing I think has a point
Say you don't quite believe me anymore
I wonder if you ever did... if you ever did at all?

Gets hard to guess the best way through
The thing to do if none of this is true
I wish I knew how to undo
The doubt I hide inside
I grew in you...

The knot I hide inside I tied in you...

Nothing I am shows the way
Say you don't seem to know me like before
I'm not sure if you ever did... if you ever did at all?

No nothing I do makes much sense
Say you don't really get me anymore
I wonder if you ever did... if you ever did at all?

Gets hard to guess the best way through
The thing to do if none of this is true
I wish I knew how to undo
The knot I tied in you...
When more or less the yes and no
Is all for show it isn't really so...
Look high and low where did we go?
You moved too fast or maybe I just moved too slow?

There's so much noise...
All the signal seems to fade away
Too much noise...

Or could be this is how it always sounds
With nothing left?


Northern Lad-Tori Amos
Had a northern lad
Well not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God who painted that
First he love my accent
How his knees could bend
I thought we'd be ok
Me and my molasses

But I feel someting is wrong
But I feel this cake just isn't done
Don't say that you Don't
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you've got to know
When it's time to turn the page
When you're only wet
Because of the rain

He don't show much these days
It's gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places
But I can't go anymore
"you change like sugar cane"
Says me northern lad
I guess you go too far
When pianos try to be guitars

I feel the west in you
And I feel it falling apart too

Don't say that you Don't

And if you could see me now

Said if you could see me now
Girls you've got to know
When it's time to turn the page
When you're only wet
Because of the rain
When you're only wet
Because of the rain


Cocoon - Assemblage 23
Even though I know it's only chemical
These peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll
Try to convince myself that all it takes is time
But the most derisive voice I hear is mine

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

There is thunder in the distance and the sky grows gray
There is lightning in the clouds in search of prey
It's not a matter of if as much as when
The clouds will break and the rainfall will begin

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now
I'll return to my cocoon

Cracks in the chrysalis spread out like tiny snakes
That hiss a litany of rumors and mistakes
But I'm afraid their cause is fraught with futility
There is nothing more that they can take from me
It opens all the scars on meIt leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon








Comments:

____________________________________________________________
Xombii
05/16/06 01:01 AM

I understand, but I believe that we will be alright. I believe in you, I believe in me, and I believe in us. I have played this song over and over, It says what I am feeling almost perfectly (especially the parts I have highlighted). Remember that I love you, and that I will always love you.

-Buttercup

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clouns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think too much
But say nothing at all
Tell her from this high Terrain, I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I Ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her somthing in my mind
Freezes up from time to time


_______________________________________________________


Patience
05/17/06 9:28AM

Hey baby. I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug... I will be in a couple of days and even if you can't come to my mama's house, I will try to get over to your house - even for an hour - just so I can give you a hug.

I love you Trish!

Patience

clockwork

Like two clocks

out of sync

we try to wind

ourselves together

somehow

no matter

how hard we try

to meet in the middle

we always end up

with our hands

pointing in

opposite directions

(04-18-06)

mist

In the end we are all ghosts here. Screaming to be noticed in voices they never hear.
We become corporeal only when they want to take possession of us. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes distasteful, but almost always leaving us still empty inside. They only understand one way to fill us.
Why is it that men never seem to notice that we spend too much time invisible for our smiles to ever reach our eyes?

Too much of a good thing?

It seems that for some reason I draw love to me. Powerful, life long love. Love that I have not asked for, or tried in anyway to get. Love that is all encompassing. Love that sometimes I don't necessarily want, at least not in the way it is offered.

My forever unrequited lover, Colin. The one who is also made of fire. That is why it would never, could never have been.
One kiss is all it would have taken. I know I would have been yours, helplessly bound to you. But I know that you would have belonged to me, as surely as I would have belonged to you. So we danced around this, lest we chain ourselves to each other.
It would have been ill fated from the start. I think that you knew it just as well as I did. The fire would burn too hot. We would burn each other to ashes. But oh, how badly I once wanted to let you consume me.

There was John, my first true passion, the one who tried to steal my fire.
You were earth. I had believed you were the rich soil in which to plant my dreams, to nurture and care for me for all of my days. There was just enough soil on the surface to hide the fact that you were really cold, hard rock. Just enough soil to get me to try to dig.
By the time I hit the rocks my hands were already so dirty that I believed I had no choice but to try to chip those rocks away, to discover what was hidden beneath them. I chipped & chipped at the stone. I dug & dug. No longer a furrow to plant my dreams in, but a grave to bury my heart, my soul, and all of my tomorrows.
I dug deeper, and deeper, with my bare and bleeding hands, while you piled stones upon me.. Stones with names like possession (which you called love), ownership (which you called sex), degradation (which you called honesty, or nothing at all), abuse, most often emotional, sometimes physical (these too you called love, or honesty, or sometimes an accident, or a misunderstanding).
I still wonder how I managed to pull myself out of that hole alive. Granted, I had many hands ready to help from the other side, but somehow I still had to dug far enough out to reach for them.
Your love tried to consume me. It almost did too. But I learned the strength of the phoenix, and rose from the ashes, refined by the fire inside of me, ready to burn me alive. You taught me of strength, the price of my soul, and my own self worth. In the end the price of your love was too high to pay. It doesn't mean I loved you any less. Now I can look back with sadness, and even a little fondness. I'm starting to be able to remember the good times.
I learned strength, and pain, and neither were easy. But such important lessons. I learned what I don't want, and who I don't want to be. I think both are as important as knowing what you want, and who you want to be, if not more so.

Kyle, my darling, my ocean. So deep, and endless, and seemingly calm. I know water's violence can be just as fierce, and just as deadly, as fire's hunger, or the weight of stone.
You lifted be up, and floated me away from all that caused me so much pain. You washed over me, cleansing me, purifying my soul and my heart.
So very stable, and so very vast, I am scared that someday I will drown in this calm. Oh, I know you will never do this intentionally, but you'll do it all the same. As you send waves of stability and serenity towards me, they turn into emptiness, and stagnation. Little by little they douse my fire around the edges.
Someday there will be nothing left of me all. Just a little pile of ashes, too soggy to rise from ever again. But so long as I am here, will you ever notice that you have clipped my wings, and drowned the spark in my soul?

And then there is Irene, my wings, the one who is my gravity, who I think will get her own post.

I feel like I'm missing the point somewhere. I have so much love in my life, so very much. What is in store for me, that I would need to draw such love to me?

talking

All I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
all I want is someone to talk to
Is there anybody out there I can talk to?
There must be someone out there
that I can tell everything to
There must be someone who will understand me
somewhere
All I want is someone to be able to tell everything to
All I want is someone I can talk to

Poetry

If the moon
refused to shine
if the sun
hid from us his face
my world
would not be dark
you are my light
water in the desert
the voice
calling me home
into your arms
into refuge
from the cruel world
where everything changes
you always stay
close to me
(01-01-05)

If love
was all butterflies
it would be easy
to stay together
forever
life is never
simple
never a fairytale
we fight each day
to keep in step
the bitter makes the sweet
which we hold so close
that binds our souls
locked
in each other's arms
even my dreams
are of you
(01-01-05)

Luscious vision of summer
it felt like death
beneath you
sweet wind
whispering my name
(01-01-05)

Drunk in the moment
never was winter so sweet
like rain
honey
the moon
a spring in the forest
a dream of light
an eternity in your arms
I will sleep tonight
singing in shadows
(01-01-05)

Poetry

love is a drug
heavy in my soul
between
night and fire
making time long
it's never my life
that I live
as you play
so sweetly with me
I'm screaming
beneath the noise
12-04

Poetry

sitting here
you want me to play
a game
I don't know the rules to
a game
you know I can't win
sometimes I think
you just want to see me lose
12-10-03


I want to cut myself
just to know I'm still living
I wonder sometimes
these days
you are never more alive
than when you watch your blood flow
I want to let myself starve
so that I truly know what hunger is
you can never really appreciate anything
until it is gone from you
I want to scream
to be sure I still have a voice
I've been silent for so long
for too long
I want to feel alive again
I am half dead
half asleep
a zombie walking through my days
I go through all the motions
everyday
acting out my life
as if I am really there
12-22-03

Poetry

if I could
freeze time
here within
this moment
I would
be content
to be in your arms
forever
7-18-01




let this moment
last forever
there is no where else
I could wish to be
then right here
within your arms
nothing else
could be this good
7-18-01

Poetry

I want to gather
these miles between us
like unused ribbon
laying on the floor
to make them disappear
with my small hands
to bring you near
within my arms once more
6-14-01



my lips have grown cold
my hands tired with longing
a phone that doesn't ring
and an empty bed
are all I have
remove this torment from me
burn this love from my heart
I am tired and sick with desire
I ache to be in your arms
alone here with a weary soul
warm my lips with your kiss
awaken my hands with your touch
let me see your face
and lay close to you
let my soul feel alive
6-14-01




filled with this desire
the weight of
your lips on mine
of your body
the sweetness
of your hands
on my skin
of your kiss
let you hands
travel my flesh
your kisses
intoxicate me
fill me body and soul
this joy is divine
your weight on me
and the world disappears
6-14-01




I long for your kiss
how my lips miss
the sweetness
of your own
your voice
gentle in my ear
your arms
wrapped around me
surely there is nothing
more true than this
when you touch me
my spirit
takes flight
6-14-01

I felt the stars collide at your touch
I saw heaven within your eyes and hand
I didn't think I would want this so much
in your arms I find a safe place to land

all the sky diamonds shine for us tonight
the moon smiles her beauty on you and I
bathing us in such a radiant light
kiss me here, under the blanket of sky

as we touched, I felt the world spinning round
only for us the wind sang it�s silent song
didn't know I was lost until I was found
when I am not near you, time is ever long
take my hand and fly away with me now
under pale moonlight I will show you how
02/06/01


I love to touch you
to feel your skin
smooth beneath my fingers
hard muscle underneath
to lay my head on your chest
coarse hair beneath my cheek
the safety of your arms around me
and heart beat under my ear
the softness of your lips on mine
the taste of you skin on my tongue
the weight of your body over me
this bliss is surely divine
4-20-01




I Love You

how fragile these words sound
how we dare not say them
as if to admit it
will bring down heavy clouds
baring into our souls
unraveling our hearts
and our hands
from each other's bodies
but I will drop all my fears
and say it now boldly
even if you can not hear
and the earth will not shatter
our limbs will remain entwined
my lips and heart still warm
from your kiss
I miss you tonight
and I love you
6-14-01

Poetry

with a kiss you awakened me
from the deep sleep of the soul
my numb and dead body
alive again with your touch
you gave me strength
to climb from the ashes
this dead thing I called life
was soon far behind me
when you touch me
I know that I am truly alive
5-01



let me slip back into dreams
at least there I can hold you
and keep you close to me
feeling you at my side
daylight comes far to soon
I must awake, alone in my bed
knowing as I reach for you
my arms will come away empty
let me dream of you again
your arms tight around me
for I am alone here
at least for tonight
5-30-01




wake me from this dream
that you are close to me
I spend these sleepless nights
longing for your touch
my sleep holds dreams of you
yet I awake alone
wondering where you are
reaching out to hold you
I walk the streets aimlessly
looking for something I will not find
longing only to see your face
to feel your lips on mine
come to me soon my dearest
only your touch can awaken me
put your arms around me
let me feel alive again
5-30-01

Poetry

hey boy, you know you don't
you know you don't dare now
to get too close to this flame
hey boy, it's too late to care now

hey boy, you know I won't
you know it's not for you I smile now
alone I've found my own joy
hey boy, I've been away awhile now

and little boy I can do this
you better not think to dare now
you made me run into the cold
hey boy, I don't even care now
4-2-01



A hopeless longing fills me
A dream I wish I could leave behind
For a loves face I dare not seek
Of these feelings I wish I could be blind
Why must love always haunt me
But never truly give itself to me
Lending me momentary joy, then pain
Until loneliness is all I can see
I never wished for this intrusion
I hid in safety behind my wall
But this incomplete love always finds me
In the end I always fall
4-17-01



oh how I have longed for this
how I have begged and begged for this
could it be real?
are you my shining one?
or is this too only illusion
only a harsh trick played by light
I have too many times reached for these stars
only to cut myself
on the false shimmer of broken glass
my soul cries for completion
for the one filled with star dust and light
one who shines as bright as I
am I grasping only at dreams
fooling myself into believing this
or are you my shining one out there?
are you the one for whom I wait?
4-19-01



I love to touch you
to feel your skin
smooth beneath my fingers
hard muscle underneath
to lay my head on your chest
coarse hair beneath my cheek
the safety of your arms around me
and heart beat under my ear
the softness of your lips on mine
the taste of you skin on my tongue
the weight of your body over me
this bliss is surely divine
4-20-01



I want to scream, long and loud
but fear inside grips me
fear that I will never stop
once started, it will never end
I am slipping into the blackness
getting caught in this mire
the screams echo with in
nothing can pull me out now
hope is nearly gone from me
please let this fire extinguish
I don't want to fight anymore
I am too weary to stand any longer
4-21-01




Sadness falls softly like a shadow
like twilight in November
before you know it darkness has fallen
And you have fallen to your knees

No diamonds have been spilled across my sky
No feathery beams of silver moon light embrace me
Only blackness surrounds me
Circling softly on talloned feet

I await a dawn I never see
Golden ribbons never uncurl before my eyes
With no warm kiss of the sun to rouse me
My soul lies lost, as birds circle round
04-01

Poetry

let me offer up my self
my hopes and fears too
I give it all up
for something that is true

let me offer up my praise
my anger and my love
it is in your hands
for your peace from above

let me offer up my self
all the strong and the weak
I give to you my dreams
for it is your face I seek
3-1-01



A fierce sadness in her soul
hair in shining waves below her shoulders
I want to heal this beauty before me
I want to ease this untamed creature

I know not how to help her
to ease this aching pain with in her
to pull the astounding loveliness from her soul
holding it up to show her all she is

where are the words of peace?
the joy when I need it most to show?
To expose all the wonders she could be
if only she would believe
03/02/01



I am no one's daughter
I stand alone
unclaimed in this city
this wilderness of concrete and brick
untie these silver ribbons
allow me to spread my wings
they itch at my back, wanting to stretch out
I want to fly
I want to rise above these walls
03-06-01



blind me with your love
still my thoughts with passion
you found a way into my heart
then left me out here alone
where are you when I need you now?
nothing here can fill this hole
I love you and I despise you
for making me into this
a weak creature longing for you
I want you near me this night
the moon refuses to show her face
mourning for this travesty in my heart
I am truly alone here
where are you when I need you most?
03-18-01



you have put me in a cage
however unknowing it may have been
you stole my heart from me
when was I negligent in my defenses?
I cling to the bars of my confines
awaiting your return to me
I feel desolate and alone
when will you shine upon me again?
You hold me hostage
what are your demands to set me free?
in your arms I soared
all else was faded shadows
yet I am left all alone
nothing to comfort me here
03-18-01



Alone thoughts crowd my mind
Thoughts of an alien, different kind
Please tell me I'm not something to help time pass
To be cut down like last autumn's grass
I don't want to be just another pair of arms to hold you near
Simply some one close to shut out your fear
I wonder if I should end it now before you break my heart
Maybe I would be released from this longing when we are apart
I wonder if I should simply push you away
Pretend I don't care, preserve my heart for one more day
3-27-01

Poetry

gazing with wondering eyes
I look up to the sky
I touch my new found wings
I have discovered that I can fly

lift me up high
floating on the breeze
I can do all I want
every moment I will seize

wind spin me round
let me live this joy inside
within I have all I want
I can be my own guide
02-01



I felt the stars collide at your touch
I saw heaven within your eyes and hand
I didn't think I would want this so much
in your arms I find a safe place to land

all the sky diamonds shine for us tonight
the moon smiles her beauty on you and I
bathing us in such a radiant light
kiss me here, under the blanket of sky

as we touched, I felt the world spinning round
only for us the wind sang it's silent song
didn't know I was lost until I was found
when I am not near you, time is ever long
take my hand and fly away with me now
under pale moonlight I will show you how
02/06/01


looking into the night sky
moon above give me joy
show me brightness in the sky
give me something life will not destroy

bathe me tonight
in a divine fire
purge me of these things
rid me of love and desire

wind sing me a song
of the desolation of night
guide me on my path
for I have lost my light
02/10/01



I would cry tears of blood
to end this pain within
to control this rage
to allow a new self to begin

I scream in silent voice
for strength, an unheard plea
my cries have all been lost
in the turbulence of this sea

I reach with broken hands
for something that is untold
I don't know who stole my dreams
but they have all been sold
02-28-01

Poetry

Where does love go when it is lost
do the years eat it away
nibbling around the edges until it is gone
or does it simply fade away
a pressed rose left out in the sun
petals brittle, faded & cracked
crumbling to dust when touched
savage wind blowing it all away
clouds slipping to cover the sun
cover these wounds left in my heart
bleeding holes I don't know how to fill
clouds creating a darkness worse than night
standing alone, no protection from the rain
I wonder where did our love go
how did we let it slip away
out here all alone I know I won't return
1-4-01



curled into a ball of pain
as this fragile kingdom
crashes at my feet
I never wanted this life
I never asked for your love
but I never thought I'd admit defeat

I loved you in the best way I could
still it was never quite enough
to make you give yourself to me
you stayed high above on your throne
if I was your queen or slave, I was never sure
all I could do couldn't make you see

once, you were everything to me
every wish, and dream, and hopeful stare
didn't you know, all I could see was you
thoughtless words that broke me down
spending your charm on every woman but me
I was alone by your side, what else could I do?

returned again to you your crown
no longer reigning sorrow at your side
slipped quietly off this golden throne
I will find my way in the world alone
strength and hope will be my guides
don't you see, I was never yours to own
01-09-01



if I could I would burn down heaven tonight
remove this all from my sight
find a way to gain control
tear down these walls in my soul
is there anyone out there I can truly trust?
or will my heart fade away, falling to dust?
As I cry, my tears make the stone
safe here inside, ever alone
1-17-01



I would sing down the stars
To be with you tonight
I would give anything
To have you in my sight

My empty arms ache
To hold you close to me
You are the only thing
These tired eyes want to see

I will curl under my blanket
With nothing here to hold
And go to sleep another night
These kisses left untold
01/17/01



I never knew
Love could be like this
Gentle and sweet
Such joy in our kiss

I never know
Love like the ocean
Quiet and depth less
A song with each motion

I always knew
Fire and passion soon burn away
But a love like water
Perhaps that can stay
01/21/01



Safe Within the Storm

A dark storm is brewing
Gray clouds are rolling in
Hush my dear sweet child
Think no more of sin

Rain clouds are falling
Portending the coming storm
Sleep now my dear one
My arms to keep you dry and warm

As lightning crashes overhead
Illuminating the night
Rest easy my little one
I will hold you in my sight
01-24-01