something happy

Okay, I noticed that I've been using my blog mostly to vent lately, so I thought I'd post something that's 100% happy goodness. What will this post be about you ask? Well, I asked myself the same question. I followed it by asking myself what makes me the most happy right now. And the answer that immediately came to my mind was Jason. So that means a sappy post!


(from XKCD, and yes I do know that it says...)


1 day 14 hours 50 minutes left until I'm back. I'm spending it spinning clockwise...

Ah, to be 17 again part 1 - high school love

The velvety darkness of night fell
With my doubts
And our clothes
We made our promises
By the light of the moon
And gave each other all we had
ourselves
(1996)



Sunrise
The sun rose
Outside
The window
And in my eyes
And I looked at you
As if for the first time
And saw the light
In your eyes too
And I knew the sun would never set
That you
Would be my light
Forever
(1996)



Life
It was the morning after
Life
Only I didn�t die today
When the sun rose
And I thought
This is a day to remember
The day I was alive
And the sun didn't burn
And neither did the pain
And the night wasn't so cold
Because I knew
You love me
(1996)



Breakfast
I ate a hash brown
And told you I loved you
And you asked me
Did I ever eat
And I said yes
Sometimes
And I knew
You loved me
As you smiled
And drank your
orange juice
(1996)



You touched my hand
You touched my heart
And we flew
Together
Dancing in the stars
You and I
(1996)



Reality
Am I real?
Am I alive?
Should I care?
Should I strive?
Is my reflection really me?
Am I really what you see?
If I touch my hand to yours
Will I feel as I did before?
Is this love ours to keep?
Do you see me in your sleep?
Are you the one to make me whole?
Are you the one to touch my soul?
Please be the one to make me feel
Please be the one to make me real
(96/97)



tame me
name me
turn me into something beautiful pure new
hold me
mold me
shape me
as strong as the mountains soft as the valleys
in me
win me
awake my mind body soul
mark me
spark me
set fire to my heart cool down my spirit
show me
know me
take me to another time place life
mend me
defend me
fix this broken heart hear these broken words
(96/97)



I smiled this morning
Into my Lucky Charms
Remembering
We used to eat them together
Everyday
And never wanted anything more
(Fall, 1997)




To be that idealistic & hopefull again!

Gravity

If John was earth, Kyle is water, and Colin would have been fire, does that mean that you will be air, my dearest heart, my twin soul? What does that symbolize for us?
Will you be the one to not only lift me up, but to give me wings? Are you truly the other half of my soul, my balance, my gravity? It certainly seems that you hold my breath in your heartbeat, my heart in your hands.
Are you any less deadly to me than any of the other loves I have known? Or will you become a tornado, breaking me to pieces when I try to hold you to me? Even so, I will reach out to enfold you in my arms, and take the risk that I will be dissolved in your embrace.
Oh how I love you, Irene, my darling, my dearest. I don't know what all this really means, or why it has happened. Honestly, I really don't care.
I just want to be able to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, to protect & take care of you, to make you smile. Just to wake up beside you would be heaven, to be able to touch you.
I have not yet touched you, or even looked upon your face in person, yet I am sure that I can not live with out you.

Two new poems (mostly finished)

You shine on me gently
a distant star
in the cold, unforgiving night

I fear your disintigration
as the frozen space
tries to close you in

I want to bring you close
to keep you from the darkness
to keep you warm

a swirling supernova
you hold such power
in a single word, a sigh

you have woven a net
star-fire, to cover over me
I can not fight this

enraptured by your light
I wait silently
longing for your embrace
(03-03-06)


A shining supernova
in the expanse of darkness
I am enraptured by you

a net of star-fire
a shining silken ribbon
your likely snare

I can not fathom it
the power you hold
for you I'd burn oceans

you hold heaven in your eyes
fire on your lips
in your heartbeat is my breath
(03-03-06)




______________________________________________________________
Comments:
(Originally posted on myspace on April 25th)

Patience

04/27/06 8:28am

She is certainly a lucky girl to have caught your attention like that!

Patience

____________________________________________________________

Aeryn

04/27/06 10:58am

*S* A Ralph Waldo Emmerson quote comes to mind-
"Thou art a delicious torment to me."

Poetry

if I could
freeze time
here within
this moment
I would
be content
to be in your arms
forever
7-18-01




let this moment
last forever
there is no where else
I could wish to be
then right here
within your arms
nothing else
could be this good
7-18-01

Poetry

I want to gather
these miles between us
like unused ribbon
laying on the floor
to make them disappear
with my small hands
to bring you near
within my arms once more
6-14-01



my lips have grown cold
my hands tired with longing
a phone that doesn't ring
and an empty bed
are all I have
remove this torment from me
burn this love from my heart
I am tired and sick with desire
I ache to be in your arms
alone here with a weary soul
warm my lips with your kiss
awaken my hands with your touch
let me see your face
and lay close to you
let my soul feel alive
6-14-01




filled with this desire
the weight of
your lips on mine
of your body
the sweetness
of your hands
on my skin
of your kiss
let you hands
travel my flesh
your kisses
intoxicate me
fill me body and soul
this joy is divine
your weight on me
and the world disappears
6-14-01




I long for your kiss
how my lips miss
the sweetness
of your own
your voice
gentle in my ear
your arms
wrapped around me
surely there is nothing
more true than this
when you touch me
my spirit
takes flight
6-14-01

I felt the stars collide at your touch
I saw heaven within your eyes and hand
I didn't think I would want this so much
in your arms I find a safe place to land

all the sky diamonds shine for us tonight
the moon smiles her beauty on you and I
bathing us in such a radiant light
kiss me here, under the blanket of sky

as we touched, I felt the world spinning round
only for us the wind sang it�s silent song
didn't know I was lost until I was found
when I am not near you, time is ever long
take my hand and fly away with me now
under pale moonlight I will show you how
02/06/01


I love to touch you
to feel your skin
smooth beneath my fingers
hard muscle underneath
to lay my head on your chest
coarse hair beneath my cheek
the safety of your arms around me
and heart beat under my ear
the softness of your lips on mine
the taste of you skin on my tongue
the weight of your body over me
this bliss is surely divine
4-20-01




I Love You

how fragile these words sound
how we dare not say them
as if to admit it
will bring down heavy clouds
baring into our souls
unraveling our hearts
and our hands
from each other's bodies
but I will drop all my fears
and say it now boldly
even if you can not hear
and the earth will not shatter
our limbs will remain entwined
my lips and heart still warm
from your kiss
I miss you tonight
and I love you
6-14-01

Poetry

with a kiss you awakened me
from the deep sleep of the soul
my numb and dead body
alive again with your touch
you gave me strength
to climb from the ashes
this dead thing I called life
was soon far behind me
when you touch me
I know that I am truly alive
5-01



let me slip back into dreams
at least there I can hold you
and keep you close to me
feeling you at my side
daylight comes far to soon
I must awake, alone in my bed
knowing as I reach for you
my arms will come away empty
let me dream of you again
your arms tight around me
for I am alone here
at least for tonight
5-30-01




wake me from this dream
that you are close to me
I spend these sleepless nights
longing for your touch
my sleep holds dreams of you
yet I awake alone
wondering where you are
reaching out to hold you
I walk the streets aimlessly
looking for something I will not find
longing only to see your face
to feel your lips on mine
come to me soon my dearest
only your touch can awaken me
put your arms around me
let me feel alive again
5-30-01

Poetry

hey boy, you know you don't
you know you don't dare now
to get too close to this flame
hey boy, it's too late to care now

hey boy, you know I won't
you know it's not for you I smile now
alone I've found my own joy
hey boy, I've been away awhile now

and little boy I can do this
you better not think to dare now
you made me run into the cold
hey boy, I don't even care now
4-2-01



A hopeless longing fills me
A dream I wish I could leave behind
For a loves face I dare not seek
Of these feelings I wish I could be blind
Why must love always haunt me
But never truly give itself to me
Lending me momentary joy, then pain
Until loneliness is all I can see
I never wished for this intrusion
I hid in safety behind my wall
But this incomplete love always finds me
In the end I always fall
4-17-01



oh how I have longed for this
how I have begged and begged for this
could it be real?
are you my shining one?
or is this too only illusion
only a harsh trick played by light
I have too many times reached for these stars
only to cut myself
on the false shimmer of broken glass
my soul cries for completion
for the one filled with star dust and light
one who shines as bright as I
am I grasping only at dreams
fooling myself into believing this
or are you my shining one out there?
are you the one for whom I wait?
4-19-01



I love to touch you
to feel your skin
smooth beneath my fingers
hard muscle underneath
to lay my head on your chest
coarse hair beneath my cheek
the safety of your arms around me
and heart beat under my ear
the softness of your lips on mine
the taste of you skin on my tongue
the weight of your body over me
this bliss is surely divine
4-20-01



I want to scream, long and loud
but fear inside grips me
fear that I will never stop
once started, it will never end
I am slipping into the blackness
getting caught in this mire
the screams echo with in
nothing can pull me out now
hope is nearly gone from me
please let this fire extinguish
I don't want to fight anymore
I am too weary to stand any longer
4-21-01




Sadness falls softly like a shadow
like twilight in November
before you know it darkness has fallen
And you have fallen to your knees

No diamonds have been spilled across my sky
No feathery beams of silver moon light embrace me
Only blackness surrounds me
Circling softly on talloned feet

I await a dawn I never see
Golden ribbons never uncurl before my eyes
With no warm kiss of the sun to rouse me
My soul lies lost, as birds circle round
04-01

Poetry

let me offer up my self
my hopes and fears too
I give it all up
for something that is true

let me offer up my praise
my anger and my love
it is in your hands
for your peace from above

let me offer up my self
all the strong and the weak
I give to you my dreams
for it is your face I seek
3-1-01



A fierce sadness in her soul
hair in shining waves below her shoulders
I want to heal this beauty before me
I want to ease this untamed creature

I know not how to help her
to ease this aching pain with in her
to pull the astounding loveliness from her soul
holding it up to show her all she is

where are the words of peace?
the joy when I need it most to show?
To expose all the wonders she could be
if only she would believe
03/02/01



I am no one's daughter
I stand alone
unclaimed in this city
this wilderness of concrete and brick
untie these silver ribbons
allow me to spread my wings
they itch at my back, wanting to stretch out
I want to fly
I want to rise above these walls
03-06-01



blind me with your love
still my thoughts with passion
you found a way into my heart
then left me out here alone
where are you when I need you now?
nothing here can fill this hole
I love you and I despise you
for making me into this
a weak creature longing for you
I want you near me this night
the moon refuses to show her face
mourning for this travesty in my heart
I am truly alone here
where are you when I need you most?
03-18-01



you have put me in a cage
however unknowing it may have been
you stole my heart from me
when was I negligent in my defenses?
I cling to the bars of my confines
awaiting your return to me
I feel desolate and alone
when will you shine upon me again?
You hold me hostage
what are your demands to set me free?
in your arms I soared
all else was faded shadows
yet I am left all alone
nothing to comfort me here
03-18-01



Alone thoughts crowd my mind
Thoughts of an alien, different kind
Please tell me I'm not something to help time pass
To be cut down like last autumn's grass
I don't want to be just another pair of arms to hold you near
Simply some one close to shut out your fear
I wonder if I should end it now before you break my heart
Maybe I would be released from this longing when we are apart
I wonder if I should simply push you away
Pretend I don't care, preserve my heart for one more day
3-27-01

Poetry

gazing with wondering eyes
I look up to the sky
I touch my new found wings
I have discovered that I can fly

lift me up high
floating on the breeze
I can do all I want
every moment I will seize

wind spin me round
let me live this joy inside
within I have all I want
I can be my own guide
02-01



I felt the stars collide at your touch
I saw heaven within your eyes and hand
I didn't think I would want this so much
in your arms I find a safe place to land

all the sky diamonds shine for us tonight
the moon smiles her beauty on you and I
bathing us in such a radiant light
kiss me here, under the blanket of sky

as we touched, I felt the world spinning round
only for us the wind sang it's silent song
didn't know I was lost until I was found
when I am not near you, time is ever long
take my hand and fly away with me now
under pale moonlight I will show you how
02/06/01


looking into the night sky
moon above give me joy
show me brightness in the sky
give me something life will not destroy

bathe me tonight
in a divine fire
purge me of these things
rid me of love and desire

wind sing me a song
of the desolation of night
guide me on my path
for I have lost my light
02/10/01



I would cry tears of blood
to end this pain within
to control this rage
to allow a new self to begin

I scream in silent voice
for strength, an unheard plea
my cries have all been lost
in the turbulence of this sea

I reach with broken hands
for something that is untold
I don't know who stole my dreams
but they have all been sold
02-28-01

Poetry

Where does love go when it is lost
do the years eat it away
nibbling around the edges until it is gone
or does it simply fade away
a pressed rose left out in the sun
petals brittle, faded & cracked
crumbling to dust when touched
savage wind blowing it all away
clouds slipping to cover the sun
cover these wounds left in my heart
bleeding holes I don't know how to fill
clouds creating a darkness worse than night
standing alone, no protection from the rain
I wonder where did our love go
how did we let it slip away
out here all alone I know I won't return
1-4-01



curled into a ball of pain
as this fragile kingdom
crashes at my feet
I never wanted this life
I never asked for your love
but I never thought I'd admit defeat

I loved you in the best way I could
still it was never quite enough
to make you give yourself to me
you stayed high above on your throne
if I was your queen or slave, I was never sure
all I could do couldn't make you see

once, you were everything to me
every wish, and dream, and hopeful stare
didn't you know, all I could see was you
thoughtless words that broke me down
spending your charm on every woman but me
I was alone by your side, what else could I do?

returned again to you your crown
no longer reigning sorrow at your side
slipped quietly off this golden throne
I will find my way in the world alone
strength and hope will be my guides
don't you see, I was never yours to own
01-09-01



if I could I would burn down heaven tonight
remove this all from my sight
find a way to gain control
tear down these walls in my soul
is there anyone out there I can truly trust?
or will my heart fade away, falling to dust?
As I cry, my tears make the stone
safe here inside, ever alone
1-17-01



I would sing down the stars
To be with you tonight
I would give anything
To have you in my sight

My empty arms ache
To hold you close to me
You are the only thing
These tired eyes want to see

I will curl under my blanket
With nothing here to hold
And go to sleep another night
These kisses left untold
01/17/01



I never knew
Love could be like this
Gentle and sweet
Such joy in our kiss

I never know
Love like the ocean
Quiet and depth less
A song with each motion

I always knew
Fire and passion soon burn away
But a love like water
Perhaps that can stay
01/21/01



Safe Within the Storm

A dark storm is brewing
Gray clouds are rolling in
Hush my dear sweet child
Think no more of sin

Rain clouds are falling
Portending the coming storm
Sleep now my dear one
My arms to keep you dry and warm

As lightning crashes overhead
Illuminating the night
Rest easy my little one
I will hold you in my sight
01-24-01