Update & crap

Things are pretty good here. Well, they range from down right wonderful to pretty good, I suppose I should say... When did things get so complicated anyway, my friends? One of the continual disappointments of adulthood has been the fact that things don't get any easier. On the contrary, they seem to get more complex the older I get... I think I may have made a mistake tonight. One I don't know if I'll get a change to rectify. One I really hope I will. Or at least, I hope that my idea/plan doesn't backfire on me... I suppose that what I really want right now is to talk to someone who understands me intuitively, some one who loves me... I'd settle for a hug though... Any takers?

Things I'm Thankful For Today

-Everything!

Yup, you heard me right. I am thankful for everything! Life is wonderful, and beautiful. Sure it's also heartbreaking at times, and hard, and dirty, and full of confusion. But over all, it's pretty damn wonderful! The pain is what makes the good parts that much more beautiful. This past week has been an amazing confluence of things I have been working towards finally coming to fruition. I don't think I've been this happy in quite a while. And it's not over any one specific thing. Everything is going well.

I'm off for a weekend of adventure in Montreal. See you all next week!

Quick updates, since I promised I'd blog more.

I've finally found a leech-wife. I'm sure that most of you will have no idea what I'm talking about. But for the one or two of you who do know, I adore you for getting the reference. I've got this thing mostly out of my blood, and am feeling really good about it.

I had a dtae! Yes, a real date, with a very nice (and very nice looking) man. It went really well. There is going to be a second date, somewhere in the near future. I'm very excited about it. Thinking about him makes me smile and feel all gooshy inside. I'm not going to rush things though. I'm content to let things happen slowly, and enjoy it as it happens.

Otherwise, work is going well, the summer is flying by, and things are pretty good in my world. I feel like things really are starting to calm down a bit. Hopefully I'll get a breather for a bit, and get to put everything I've learned in the past year and a half into action before the next growth cycle begins. Life is good though. I'm happy, overall.

No, I didn't drop of the face of the earth!

Hi folks! Yeah, I know it's been quite a while. Where have I been you ask? Well, mostly I've been busy with work, running, and getting out and enjoying the summer. It's hard to sit down in front of the computer to read the news and reply to emails when it's so nice out. It's almost impossible to sit here for long enough to write a blog post!

So the smaller things first -

Work has been good. I'm learning how to do the bookkeeping. Which will get me off the floor a little bit more, which I'm 100% ok with. It's been going well though. I really like all (three) of my co-workers, which is really nice. It's a lot of fun most days.

It's been great to hang out with friends more often lately. There have been lots of cook outs, and dinners, and get-togethers of all sorts. I'm really looking forward to having next Monday and Tuesday off though. Two whole days with nothing to do! It sounds like some foreign type of heaven to me!
For example, this was my last weekend -
Friday night - Up to Montreal to see Ferry Corsten. Which was a really great time, and something I really needed. I find raves to be very therapeutic in a lot of ways. I think that music as as close as we can get to the Divine, so dancing all night is this wonderful release for me.
Saturday - Leave the rave at 10 am, go get breakfast in Montreal, get home in the afternoon, sleep for a couple of hours, then downtown for JazzFest. The original intention was to see the Skatallites, but we overslept. :( It was still very fun though!
Sunday - Get up at a reasonable hour, go and run my first 5K, and then have a cook out that afternoon / evening, fall asleep on the couch watching a movie with friends.
So as you can see, my weekends have been busy. My weekdays seem to have become quite busy too!

Yes, you did read my Sunday events right! I ran my first 5K on Sunday, it it was actually a lot of fun! It was a benefit for the Humane Society, which made it seem even more right that it be my first race. The weather was beautiful for a run, and I did much better than I thought I would. Of course, this means that I'm going to have to work even harder now to beat my time during my next race. What was that time you ask? Just under 28 minutes, unofficially. The official times still haven't been posted, but since I'm confident in my ability to read, I'd say it's safe to go with the unofficial time. Thanks again to Karen, Marc, Ravyn, Jon and LeeAnn for their donations. The animals also say thank you, I'm sure! My next race will probably be the Williston Fun Run, in the beginning of July. Well, that's not counting the Catamount Tuesday Night Trail Series 5Ks. Those are a bit more informal, but still a lot of fun.

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get to work. I'll try to post a bit more regularly. Really I will. Maybe it will stick this time! Well, one can always hope, right?

Oh, one last thing- I want to read this book, just because of the author's clever web page .

Playlist

Really, it's just one song today. There are a couple of others that I can relate to, but this one, well, it sums everything up perfectly.

Euphoria (Firefly) by Delerium

And I've loved
And I have served
And I have sinned
But I have learned
As long as you are true
To the life that you live
This is the time to feel love

I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming to shore
Over and under in it's course

This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
Hovering above me, glowing
Glow, glow, glowing divine

Every nerve like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
This feeling emblazoned inside
Every nerve like a firefly

I never want to lose
What I have finally found
There's a requiem, a new congregation
And it's telling me
Go forward and walk under a brighter sky
Every nerve glowing like a firefly

Every nerve like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
Glowing

I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming to shore
Over and under in it's course

I never want to lose
What I have finally found
There's a requiem, a new congregation
And it's telling me
Go forward and walk under a brighter sky
Every nerve glowing like a firefly

Every nerve like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
Glowing

yup

I should have seen it coming. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. I doubt it though. After all, I don't really want to learn.

Faith in humanity? Restored, mostly.

By Rob, the bike mechanic. Who works at Old Spokes Home. Thank you Rob for the assistance when the chain on my bike fell off.

I was sitting on a bench about 2 miles from home still, looking at it and hoping I had put it back on correctly when he went by. He actually turned around and came back to see if I needed any help. And tweaked my bike so that it wouldn't happen again, as well as making a couple of other adjustments for me. At 7 at night, on his way home from work, with the sky threatening to open up and downpour at any moment.

I love Vermont, I love Vermonters, and I am so happy to be back. I feel like this, and other things that have happened lately, are good karma coming back to me after all of the misery and hurt I've endured this past winter.

This one little thing really made my day. It amazing how one small act can affect you so much. Thank you Rob!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!


Whether you are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead today, or honoring an older Deity like Eostre, may you have a blessed and lovely day.

The underlying message is the same either way. Both traditions speak of rebirth and renewal at this time when the earth is coming alive again. Both speak of hope, and of miracles existing in our lives.

I have felt the hand of winter very hard upon me this year, and spring is more welcome than I can say... I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions. Spring Resolutions always seemed to make more sense to me. This year my resolution is to love more perfectly. To love those who have hurt me, and to forgive them. To approach every person with compassion and understanding, to never let myself be swayed by hurt feeling, or to react out of anger. As the world changes and awakens around me, I will be striving to make changes in myself, to foster a rebirth of my spirit. In the coming year I will love even those who have caused me incredible amounts of pain. I will recognize that there is something good, something lovable in them, even if I can not see it.

May the coming of spring, and the hope and renew of the season give you a reason to rejoice as well. Blessed be.

2006 in review

I confess that in 2006 I...

stayed single for the whole year - No
got your first kiss - No again. It's been a while since I could claim that one!
kissed someone new - Yes, one person.
made-out for the first time - Also no
made-out in/on a car - Nope
kissed in the snow - Nope, but there's still a little bit of time...
celebrated Halloween - Yup
kissed in the rain - Nope
fell in love - Fell very much in love
had your heart broken - Twice
broke someone else's heart - Yeah, unfortunately
had a stalker - Um, nope
mooned someone - Also no
went over the minutes on your cell phone - Yup
had a good relationship with someone - Yes
suffered through teenage heartbreak - I'm 28, I think I'm too old for that.
someone questioned your sexual orientation - Not really
came out of the closet - Was I ever really in the closet?
got pregnant - Nope
got someone else pregnant - That would be a little difficult, don't you think?
had an abortion - Nope
got married - Nope
had a divorce - Nope
dated someone you'll never forget - Yes
done something you've regretted - I think that any one who said no to this question would be lying.
lost your true love - No, but losing her completely would have been easier...
lost faith in love - Never, for even a second. If anything, I have more faith in love that I did a year ago.
kissed under mistletoe - Hmm, nope

WORK
got a promotion - Not really
got a pay raise - Sadly, no
changed jobs - Not quite...
waited until one day before to begin a project - Nope
lost your job - Kind of, but not really.
quit your job - I wish
dated a co-worker - Hell no!
dated your boss - Hell no to this one too!
dated your boss' daughter/son - And a hell no to this one!
got fired from your job - Nope
broke the dress code - *laughs* What dress code?
did something you were proud of - A few things
discovered a new talent - Yup
proved yourself an idiot - Not yet. At least, I don't think so.
were involved in something you'll never forget - Absolutely

OTHER
(X) painted a picture
(X) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile...
(X) seen a live concert
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(X) posted a blog on MySpace
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(X) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(X) flirted shamelessly
( ) didn't wash your hands after using bathroom
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) broke in a line of waiting people
(X) volunteered to help out others
( ) visited a new state
(X) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) driven the car drunk
(X) lost something important to you
(X) smoked a cigarette
( ) lied about how old you were
(X) got a gift you adore
(X) got drunk
(X) took a nude picture of yourself
( ) almost got arrested
( ) prank called someone





1.) Where did you ring in 2006?
At home.

2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
In a relationship that was nearing it's end.

3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope

4.) How did you earn your keep?
As a Reprographic Specialist for the United States legal system

5.) Did you end up in the hospital?
Nope

6.) Did you encounter the police?
Other then spotting them around as I went about my daily business, nope.

7.) Where did you go on vacation?
Vermont

8.) What did you purchase that was over $500?
Nothing

9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
This year? No one

10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
My Uncle Howard

11.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with?
When I was home visiting in June and December.

12.) Did you move anywhere?
Nope

13.) What sporting events did you go to?
*just laughs*

14.) Are you registered to vote?
Hell yes

15.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
You're damn right I did!

16.) Where do you live now?
Minnesota. (But not for much longer!)

17.) What did you do on your birthday?
Worked, then went to Muddy Paws for cheesecake.

18.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006.
Fall in love with someone knowing from the start that it couldn't last and I'd end up with a broken heart. (Even still, I don't regret it at all.)

19.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
That I let myself get complacent.

20.) What's something you learned about yourself?
Well, since I don't have the time to write a whole book, and I'm sure you don't want to read one, I'll just say that love is always worth the cost end the end. (After all, I have stars that laugh...)

21.) Any new additions to your family?
Nope. This was a year for subtractions, not additions.

22.) What was your best month?
June was pretty good. I got to come home to Vermont, and the Tiki party was a hella lot of fun. And the last half of December is shaping up to be pretty great too.

23.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by?
None of it! *laughs*

24.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best)?
Well, as far as fun and happiness goes, averaged out, I'd say a 4. As far as positive things gained, well, I'll reserve final judgement for a bit, but for now, I'd say 9.3, at least.

Coffee, how I adore thee!

I thought it would be nice to do a post in honor of the most indispensable of beverages, coffee.


The inspiration for this post came to me at about 7:30 on Friday morning. This is right about the time that I realized that I had worked 19 & 1/2 hours out of the past 24.

This little story doesn't even start with coffee, or with any intention on my part of getting to have any. It starts with a normal work day on Thursday. (With a normal night's sleep before. By which I mean, about 5 & 1/2 hours.) Then, in the afternoon, we got a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work in fact. And all of it the clients needed back first thing in the morning. And since we have such a small staff, there was no way that we would be able to get it done with normal working hours. So I worked my normal shift (until 4:30), went to my class at the Y, ate some dinner, and was back at work by 9pm, intending on staying the whole night. My entire normal shift on Friday even, if it was necessary.

This is where the coffee comes in. There is no way that I would have been able to pull an all-nighter at work with out it.

I actually brought in my own coffee even. The coffee they have there is pretty much total crap.

It wasn't just any coffee that I brought in. It was coffee! So very tasty and good. After the 10, about ten cups of coffee I had that evening, I was not only still awake, but still wide awake and ready to go at 7:30 in the morning when we finally finished all the work that we had. Granted, this is about how I felt by then -

And I was very happy to know that all the work was done, and shortly I would be able to go home and sleep.

Hopefully it's not something I'll have to do again anytime soon! I'm perfectly okay with staying up all night, but I want it to be on my own terms. Staying up all night for work is much less fun!

Thanks for always being there for me coffee! I love you!

You might have narcolepsy if...

Okay, this one is for all those folks who I've attempted (poorly) to explain what having narcolepsy (or any neurological sleep disorder) is like. This was originally created on a sleep disorder message board I post at. (For those of you who didn't know, I have non-REM Narcolepsy.)
It was written as a joke more or less, but everything on the list is a symptom of having a neurological sleep disorder. Of course, not every one with narcolepsy has all the symptoms, the same ones, or the same severity of their symptoms. Most of us can relate to quite a few though. I know that when I read what was every one else had wrote I found myself nodding my head & smiling in recognition of many of my behaviors/symptoms. And laughing outright at quite a few also. If you find yourself doing the same, I highly suggest getting a sleep study!



You might have narcolepsy if..

-If your TV only has commercials.

-If the first place you check for missing items is the fridge.
I actually wish I had this problem still! I got myself to stop putting things in the fridge, but now I put them "in a safe place" where I'll be able to find them again. *laughs* Yeah, I wish I could find them again! It's usually such a safe place, that I can't remember where it is!

-If you stop mid-sentence twice a day to say "Oops!Forgot to take my meds!"
Yeah, I've done this before. Usually only 3 or 4 days a week though!

-If you require an interpreter to talk to people who speak your native language.

-If your college professor counted you absent because that one day your eyes were actually open and he didn't recognize you.

-If you often awaken with strange imprints on your forehead from things such as a computer keyboards.

-If 2 + 2 = 22 makes sense to you.
Just because it's not correct, doesn't mean it doesn't make sense!

-If you remember that you studied in the textbook (yes, the first 3 paragraphs on page one) and forgot to go to class to take the final exam. (You could swear you had class on Thursday, not Wednesday.)

-If one of your regular weekend chores is searching your house for randomly misplaced items.
*just laughs*

-If your co-workers take turns tapping you.

-If your side of a conversation consists mostly of "And then...wait, I think I was...what was I gonna say?"
Sadly, this happens way more than I'd like it to.

-If, when you see a spider on your wall, you envy his ability to keep moving, but realize he is probably really a figment of your imagination.
Yup, I've had these moments too!

-If you have a clock on every wall in your house and all of them are purposely set ahead to different times so you'll always think "It's time to go!"

-If you've never seen a whole feature film, but appreciate the longer ones because you actually wake up before it's over and you can see the end.

-If you use your driver's license to regularly check the spelling of your name before signing a check or formal document.
I have never done this. However, I do have to say that I've had to stop and think about how to spell my name more than once.

-If you have a 10 hour or more delay on memory retrieval.

-If you have memorized or carry in your wallet a list of "Why I'm Late for Work" excuses for 250 days of the year plus one for leap year.

-If you have to put lunch on your "to do" list.
Now if only I'd remember to read my to do list!

-If you've trained your dog to turn on the coffee maker, pull the covers off you in the morning when your alarm goes off, and prod you into the shower.
I would love to have a dog that does all that.

-If you have more than 3 sticky notes on your bathroom mirror daily and one of them says "Don't forget to read your sticky notes".
I haven't done this one, but it sounds like something I'd do!

-If you've forgotten your own birthday.
Yup, done that too!

-If you feel like you're trapped inside an invisible time machine that thrusts you forward in time in random 2 hour spurts.
*laughs* Yup, I'm very familiar with this one!

-If "yawn" is a four-letter word in your house.
yup

-If "NIGHT is to DAY as SLEEP is to ____" sounds like an unsolvable riddle.
I think that this is a trick question of some sort!

-If you function better when you are under the influence of amphetamines.
Significantly better in fact.

-If your weight loss is linked to memory loss.
Yup

-If you can remember to call your doctor, but you can't remember why.

-If Santa Claus hits your house around noon on Christmas because that's when you're most likely to be unconscious.

-If every time you pass a cop on the road you think to yourself, I hope he didn't see me nod off.
This is one of the reasons I don't drive.

-If you tell people at least twice a day that, "I am so sorry, but I'm absolutely exhausted, and I can not believe that I did that."

-If you tell people the above, and they respond, "What are you talking about, you say that you're absolutely tired everyday!"

-If your boss starts trying to work it so that you can go home at regular hours to get some rest and even is willing to take on duties to do it.

-If you're too tired to sleep.

-If regularly hallucinating when you fall asleep &/or wake up is normal and you are shocked when you realize that not everyone experiences this.

-If you take a drug and experience being awake for the first time in a long time/if ever and think that being awake is the most novel thing on this earth.
I remember that feeling! It really was the most novel thing on earth. I kept thinking of all the things I'd be able to do now that I could stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time.

-If you take a drug and are able to remember the entire drive to work and are shocked by that fact.

-If your doctor can ask you to spend the night without losing his license.

-If "deja vu" crosses your lips at least 5 times a day but draws worried glances from people nearby who just watched you repeat the same behavior.

-If the phrase "rest home" sounds like heaven.

-If "let me slip into something more comfortable" generally means sweats.

-If the lights go out in your office every 5 minutes ever since the management had motion detector sensors installed.

-If there's a good reason your significant other doesn't know what color your eyes are.

-If your children offer tic-tacs to people who doze off in front of them.

-If you praise yourself every time you remember something before it is too late.
*giggles* Yup

-If you've trained yourself to bite the inside of your cheeks to keep your lips tight so you won't drool when you doze in public settings.
I keep meaning to try this...

-If you usually beat your computer to hibernation mode.

-If your dog brings you a treat for remembering to let her out to pee.

-If you have ever put the phone it the fridge only to find it later and replace it with a roll of toilet paper.

-If you have to heat the toilet paper with a hair dryer so you don't get frost bite on your butt because the toilet paper was left in the fridge.

-If your friends talk to the answering machine more than they talk to you.
I'm very guilty of this one.

-If you feel like you have a hangover but missed the party.
This one too. It has been better lately though.

-If you can't remember to whom you are speaking when you made the phone call.

-If you can't remember to whom you are speaking as you stand in front of them.

-If you can't remember if you spoke to anyone yesterday, or if it was all a dream.

-If all of the sudden there are no clean underwear even though you are sure you just did laundry.
This happens to me all the time!

-If most of your interesting tales stop abruptly with, "Oh wait, that was a dream."

-If having someone else clean your house sounds like torture...how would you find anything if someone else put it away? You can't even remember where you put it!

-If you open the same drawer 4 or more times in a row with the hopes that this time that missing item will be in there.
I'm very guilty of this one. I don't know why I do this. I know that what ever I'm looking for isn't going to magically appear.

-If you said yes to something and dreamt you did it, but never really did.

-If you can watch your cat sleep and explain the different stages of sleep as they go through them.

-If you dread hearing the phrase "What was I just saying?" more than pop quizzes in astrophysics.

-If you send the same bill 3 times and still find that check written out for that bill on your kitchen table.

-If your doctor has mistakenly sent you 'narcotics anonymous' instead of 'narcolepsy support group', and you still seem to fit right in.

-If being on prescription stimulants helps you to lead a productive lifestyle which eliminates 3 out of the 5 naps you used to take.

-If 'productive' to you means actually starting and finishing at least one thing in a day!

-If the last place your significant other looks for his clean clothes is in the closet or the dresser drawers.

-If your significant other is no longer surprised by finding car keys, shoes, etc. in the fridge.

-If you get up to go to the bathroom and halfway there forget where you were going.
Sadly, yes, this has happened!

-If you can fall asleep on a roller coaster.

-If you need naps more than your toddler does.

-If you have to constantly ask someone "did this actually happen or was I dreaming?".

-If you are absolutely positive you paid that bill, you remember it vividly, you can even tell what check # and everything only to discover that the check is still in the book and there is nothing on it.

-If you can eat dinner and five minutes later have no idea what you just ate or if you ever did.

-If the statement "I have so much to do right now I'd better go to sleep." makes perfect sense.
Hell yeah it does!

-If you regularly rediscover for the first time that a side effect of your medication is memory loss and are thrilled to have an explanation for your bad memory.
Really? It is? That's great! Wait, I think I heard this before somewhere...

-If you have to read the same things over and over and over and over.

-If you promise to call a friend on Saturday, and it's Thursday before you realize that Saturday has come and went.
I feel really, really bad when I do this! Thank you all for being so understanding with me!

-If you're not a truck driver, but you know every truck stop from here to Canada because you've slept in 'em all.

-If you have to make an appointment with yourself to remember to make your appointment, and then you forget whether or not to make a reminder call to remind yourself to remind you, or to just remind yourself that you remembered.

-If you totally understand the previous statement and remembered that you have an appointment tomorrow at 5:00pm and you forgot to remind yourself.
*giggles* Actually, I do and I did!

-If you know all the Serta Mattress sheep by first name.

-If you are not sure if the change in meds cause more micro sleeps or make it so that you are more alert and therefore notice more micro sleeps, and you spend hours trying to figure it out, because you really want to know.
I really do want to know, but I haven't figured it out yet!

As if I needed any extra motivation right now!

Not much to say today. Thought I'd share a little bit about all the oh-so-wonderful changes going on at my job. (Yes yes that was supposed to be sarcastic!) Once again, Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner is going to help me out. :)




This just about sums all of it up-





Well, I'd like to add this one too-

Sadly, we even have to bring in our own water. Well, that's not entirely true. We could drink the bleach filled water from the bathroom sink.




If I was allowed do this -

I would be much more happy at work.


As soon as I know where I'm going to be living next month, I'm going to find a new job. It amazing really, the difference a couple of weeks can make. Two weeks ago, I enjoyed my job. Today on the other hand, I was so angry I was actually shaking, and it took all of my self control not to quit. *shrugs* Oh well, it's just extra motivation to get my ass in gear and finally get myself to collage!

The laundry room!

Okay, for those of you who have expressed concern, or mere curiosity over my current living arrangement, here is my bedroom/ the laundry room. As you can see, it's really not so bad, is it? I realized how frightfully bear the walls are after taking these. I'm in the process of fixing that now. *smiles* We'll go around the room clockwise, from the door leading into the kitchen.

This is what you see as you first walk into my room. Yup, it's my bed!


Moving right along, this is the foot of my bed! (Pretty exciting stuff, huh?) And the door leading outside.


Next we have my desk, and my window. There's not much to see out there. And even if there was, Mike's Charger is usually in the way. *laugh*


What does the top of my desk look like you ask? Well, that's an easy question to answer.

And yes, the drawers are just as clean as the top is!

And here are the infamous washer & drier. Oh, the horror! (And also, most of my clothes!)


Now we're around to the area more or less behind the kitchen door. Here's my dresser-


Here's a better look at the top of it! And those aren't toys, they're collectible figurines, dammit! *laughs*


Here's the bit I know that you've all been waiting for- my primary bookcase! (I have two more tall ones, but they're in the living room.)


And because I know you want to know what's on my bookcase, here are some better shots of it.
Top shelf-


And bottom shelf-



That's it on your tour of my room. I hope that you enjoyed it, and now feel more assured that isn't nearly the dank hovel that some of you had apparently been imagining it was!

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for This Year

1. All of the insight I've gained this year. It hasn't been an easy year, this is true. I wouldn't trade any of it if I could though. The lessons learned have been worth the pain & difficulty. After all, nothing worth having ever comes easy.

2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!

3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.

4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-

It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!

5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.

6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!

7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.

She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.

8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.

9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.


10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.


PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)

Voting is cool!

I hope that all of you reading this who are are in the US are going to take the time to vote today! Voting is a privilege that we are lucky to have. I strongly believe that if we want to keep this privilege we need to treat it is a responsibility. So get your asses to your local polling places folks!

I know I've heard almost all of you (rightly) state that there needs to be a change in our government. Now's the time to make that happen. For those of you in Minneapolis you can register to vote at the polls if you haven't already. You really have no excuse except laziness. Here's the Star Trib's candidate Overviews for you even.

Remember, voting isn't just about the President, Governors and national representatives. It's also about judges, sheriffs, schools, public transportation and local government. Things that really do have an impact on your every day life!

Don't be one of the sheeple folks! Get out there and vote. Surely you don't have anything so important to do on a Tuesday evening that you can't spare a half an hour on your way home from work?


Things Republicans want you to forget.

Can you name all the Republicans who have been convicted or are currently under criminal investigation in a single breath?



Vote . Fulfill your responsibility to yourself, your community, and your country.

Um, yeah, sure, what ever

So, it's 1 in the morning, I've been drinking, wait, no, I'm drunk, I may as well admit it. Okay, so It;s 1 in the morning I'm drunk and I'm blogging. I'm pretty damn sure that this is not a good sign. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm listening to Joy Division? So it's 1 am I'm drunk, blogging and listening to Joy Division. You can judge for yourself how this is gonna go. Oh, now I'm listening to Tori Amos. (As if that is so much better!) Oh wait, now it's Imogen Heap! (Yeah, still not much better!)

Yeah, so I'm a bit drunk, sitting here blogging, thinking about life. I'm talking to my ex-husband through myspace email as I type. (I bet that is a suprise to some of you isn't it? That I was marrried once. For now all I will say is that I was too young to know what I wanted. Maybe someday I will tell the whole story. You'll have to ask first. It's not a part of my life that I'll willingly divulge. However, it is part of my past, and part of what has made me the person I am today). Although I wish that things had turned out differently I still am thankfull for the lessons learned.

You know I have to break from my current train of though to say a big F you to those who I thought were my true friends. Those whoI thought would be there for me. Now, I know that they are both going though thier own troubles. I really do. However, you would think that for all the love I have shown them, for all the selfless and even self-sacrificing actions, they would be there for me when I needed them. One I have not heard from since I told her the news. The other is too wrapped in her own life to notice my need of her. It's kind of funny, I will probably forgive the first one before the second. Even though the second had better reasons. I guess it is because the first has such a tie around my heart.

Oh hell, I'll admit it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on, what life is all about. I suppose that we each do the best with the knowlage we are given. I almost think (and fear) that my lesson for this life time is not just to love. That my lesson is humility.

So, um, yeah, it's a bit later. (3:30 in the morning) I've spent almost an hour and a half talking to John. It was good. It was cleansing to my soul. I feel a bit of closer now. I know that it won't be that last conversation that we have. I can't help but think that this is a good thing. I feel like I've grown a lot in this past year. I understand so much more than I used to. I have a greater capacity for love, for compassion and empathy. I feel a lot more at peace than I did yesterday. I feel like I have a greater understanding of, well, of something. Of something huge, and important. Something that is right around the corner. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm not as scared of the learning process as I was. This makes me very happy. It's not in my nature to be scared of anything. It's especially not in my nature to be scared of knowladge. I am looking forward to the changes ahead, and even the challanges. Even if they are hard, I know that I will be a better person because of them. I actually am looking forward to the challanges ahead of me! I am finally ready to face my future. I will do it with hope. With hope, and joy, and optimism. I know it will be hard. I also know that it will be worth it.

Playlist - becuase somebody else has already said it better!

Assorted stuff that makes me think of some of you. It you think I posted a song in reference to you, you're probably right! But go ahead & send me a message or leave me a comment if you want to know for sure. *grin*


Let Go - Frou Frou

Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap

here's the day you hoped would never come
don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers
the coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

there there baby, it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't lose your head
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

sleeping pills know
sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
you can't keep on like this
now's a bad a time as any

there there baby it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't kill yourself
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

Lullaby – Assemblage 23

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

The Walk – Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now because you and I were never meant to meet
I think you better leave, it’s not safe in here
I feel a weakness coming on

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now you're as close as it gets without touching me
And don't make it harder then it already is
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day
That’s where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving
Oh, I was doing so well, could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, yeah
No, it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

A Few Random Thoughts

So, I was going to do a real post today. I was going to do an art post, with links & cool pictures & everything! However, I only had one site that I found interesting enough to share, so I'm just going to wait until next week. So you get a personal update post instead. After all, that's the reason I started a blog, wasn't it? Hold on for just a minute, because I'm not so sure now.

*goes back into my archives & looks it up* (April 2, 2006 if you're interested.)

Yup, that is the reason that I started it. I think that I'm getting better about the whole opening up thing. I really do. Sure I've had a few set backs. A couple of very painful experiences regarding trusting other people with my feelings, and a lot of heartbreak. I've learned a lot though. About myself, about people I thought I knew, and about human nature in general. And a hell of a lot about love.

At this point I'd like to say thank you to all of those people that have helped me gain all of this insight. Some of you know who you are.

And I'd like to say an even larger thank you to all of you who have been there for me while all this learning has taken place. I don't know how I would have managed it with your unending patience, beers, offers to crash on your couch, distractions and shoulders to cry on through all of my circular logic, mopey silences, grieving, finally accepting things as they are, and all of my scatteredness with all of the change going on. Bev & Patience, you have both gone above & beyond the call of friendship, and I am so thankful for you both. There are no words to tell you the gratitude, respect, and love I have for both of you.

I'm looking forward to 2007. This has been a pretty rough year for pretty much every one I know. At least there is finally light on the horizon!

I'm also looking forward to Seattle. A new city, a fresh start and all that. I think that I'm going to end up needing to pretty much cut ties with everyone for a few months once I get there. Not so much for my sake as for every one else's. I know that I'm going to self destruct a bit. And now that I've cured myself of all of my vices, it's going to happen in more subtle ways. It's probably going to be pretty messy inside of my head for a while. No one else needs to see that. Yes, I know that's what my friends are there for. I don't want to drag any one else down with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything harmful to myself. I'm not going to take up any unsafe behaviors, I promise. I won't let myself sink too low either. I've been through much worse and been able to pull myself back out of it. I don't expect this time will be any different. Plus, I enjoy life way too much to let myself stay down for very long.

Things are already so much better than they were a month ago even. I've been able to strengthen a few old friendships, and make a couple of new ones. One person in particular has done a lot to help restore my faith in humanity in general. It's kind of funny how much we affect each other's lives, often with out realizing it. After having only known him for more than a day or so, he already had quite an impact on me. I've very glad to have meet him, even if he may be trying to kill me!

Okay, I think that this is enough sharing for one day!

Note to self, and God

Don't say I didn't try to reach out. Don't you dare say that I wanted to, or was willing to be this cynical and jaded. Don't you ever blame me for my lack of trust in other people. If these last couple of days have taught me nothing else, they have taught me that we are truly alone here. I've learned who my true friends are. Even they have not shown the same loyalty to me that I would, and have, shown to them. The only person I could have depended on to be there for me, I can't ask to be now. This is so hard for the both of us already. I can't ask himto be my strength when I feel weak any longer. I'm going to have to re-learn how to stand on my own, with out ever leaning on any one else. We really are so alone here. I wouldn't take my own life, but were I to die tonight, I would be ready. I don't want to be part of such a self-involved, uncaring world any more.

So, things have changed

Well, I suppose I'm technically single now. Xombii & I talked about it yesterday. It was something that we both agreed was the right thing to do.

I know that we'll both be better for it in the long run. I know this is the right thing to do. I didn't know that it would be this hard after the initial conversation. I knew that was going to be hard, but I didn't know that it would stay this difficult after. I know that things will get better, but it sure as hell sucks right now.

How am I doing? Well, if you were to ask me, I'm sure I would say that I'm doing fine. However, I am sitting home alone, on the computer, the better part of the way through a bottle of Ephemere Green Apple ale. You can be the judge of how I'm really doing.