yup

I should have seen it coming. Maybe one of these days I'll learn. I doubt it though. After all, I don't really want to learn.

It's been one hell of a week...

Sorry I haven't been posting anything folks. As stated above, it's been one hell of a week. I went home for a few days, which was nice. I really needed to get away from everything to preserve my sanity. And when I got back I seem to have stepped into a shit storm of drama. Which confused the hell outta me. I have never, in my adult life been involved with drama of this level.

This is how I felt on Monday-

(This is from Natalie Dee's webcomic, btw.)

It was really hurtful to me, because all of this crap was going on surrounding me, and I was the last to know about any of it...I feel that a lot of things got blown out of proportion, and that all of this could have been avoided by the instigator of all of this talking to me, not talking to everybody else about me.

How do I feel about all of this drama? Well, that's any easy question to answer -

Really, I hate drama. I don't understand why it needs to happen at all. If people were just upfront about things, there would be no drama. Which would be a beautiful, beautiful thing...

One of the things that suck the most about all of this is that it's caused a lot of hurt to some people that I care about very much. And that's just not okay with me. Which again, could have been avoided by this person talking to myself and another person instead of about us...

*sighs* The whole situation just sucks, a lot. I'm not going to go into details here, because I think that it's unnecessary, and unproductive. I will say that I am very hurt by all of this, and a bit confused as to why it happened. And I am still pissed about it. I'm trying not to be angry, because I know that anger will solve nothing. The only thing anger will do is make me miserable. Of course, it doesn't make it much easier not to be angry. I'll be happy when all of this is over with, and I can go back to my normal drama free life...


This is how I feel now -

and

Shit Happens (but mostly to me, so don't worry)

Well, there's nothing like the emotional equivalent of getting hit by a Mack truck to knock a lady off kilter...

And that means that I'm doing a mixed play list / random images post. Because it's much more enjoyable to you than listening to me get all emo on you. Plus it takes my mind off of the fact that I'm single again, and totally didn't see it coming.


This is how I wish I felt -

or





This how I do feel -


All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe



Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well



(Okay, so this one isn't entirely true. I do know why I love him, and although I keep having moments of wishing that my heart had given me a chance, I really don't regret it. I only regret that there was so little time...
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
...
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

something happy

Okay, I noticed that I've been using my blog mostly to vent lately, so I thought I'd post something that's 100% happy goodness. What will this post be about you ask? Well, I asked myself the same question. I followed it by asking myself what makes me the most happy right now. And the answer that immediately came to my mind was Jason. So that means a sappy post!


(from XKCD, and yes I do know that it says...)


1 day 14 hours 50 minutes left until I'm back. I'm spending it spinning clockwise...

New Poetry

I know that it's been a while since I've posted anything that I've written. Everything has just been too scattered lately for me to finish anything. I have a bunch of half finished poems, and maybe even a story idea in the works. There will probably be a whole flood of stuff in the next couple of months, once things are a little calmer.

I wasn't going to post this one yet. I had originally thought that it needed more editing. The more I look at it though, the more I think that anything I do to it will only take away from it. So here it is, in its final form. Enjoy!


I'll light down at your side
an angel in the dark of night
I'll fold back my wings,
bring you to my secret places

I'll draw lines of starlight
along your body
with my tongue
and my small hands

until I am the only thing
remaining in your sight
and you (all I want to see)
are the only thing in mine

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for This Year

1. All of the insight I've gained this year. It hasn't been an easy year, this is true. I wouldn't trade any of it if I could though. The lessons learned have been worth the pain & difficulty. After all, nothing worth having ever comes easy.

2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!

3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.

4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-

It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!

5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.

6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!

7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.

She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.

8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.

9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.


10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.


PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)

Playlist - becuase somebody else has already said it better!

Assorted stuff that makes me think of some of you. It you think I posted a song in reference to you, you're probably right! But go ahead & send me a message or leave me a comment if you want to know for sure. *grin*


Let Go - Frou Frou

Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap

here's the day you hoped would never come
don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers
the coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

there there baby, it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't lose your head
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

sleeping pills know
sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
you can't keep on like this
now's a bad a time as any

there there baby it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't kill yourself
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

Lullaby – Assemblage 23

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

The Walk – Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now because you and I were never meant to meet
I think you better leave, it’s not safe in here
I feel a weakness coming on

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now you're as close as it gets without touching me
And don't make it harder then it already is
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day
That’s where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving
Oh, I was doing so well, could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, yeah
No, it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault