Wednesday, December 31, 2003


sitting here
you want me to play
a game
I don't know the rules to
a game
you know I can't win
sometimes I think
you just want to see me lose

I want to cut myself
just to know I'm still living
I wonder sometimes
these days
you are never more alive
than when you watch your blood flow
I want to let myself starve
so that I truly know what hunger is
you can never really appreciate anything
until it is gone from you
I want to scream
to be sure I still have a voice
I've been silent for so long
for too long
I want to feel alive again
I am half dead
half asleep
a zombie walking through my days
I go through all the motions
acting out my life
as if I am really there

Wednesday, November 26, 2003


if I were thin
if I were pretty
maybe they would listen when I speak
if I had ever learned to joke
to laugh
maybe I would be included in the conversation
if I was witty
maybe we could be friends
if I wasn't so weak
maybe I wouldn't care

Friday, September 12, 2003


He wears a Harvard t-shirt
As he steps on the bus
Coming from the community college
Does he see the irony in it?
I turn my gaze back to my book
After all, you don't want to get caught
noticing other people
Not on the bus in the city
I wonder if he has Harvard dreams
Ivy league friends, afternoons of rugby
Dreams of a six digit starting salary
If you study hard enough
Want it bad enough
It can happen
Another pretty lie told to children
Does he know he's too old to believe this?
That he should be cynical and jaded
Just like the rest of us
There is no room for Harvard dreams
Not on this city bus.

water is a purifying substance
cool caresses of the river
wrapped in a lover's embrace in the shower
sweet kiss, to temper the flames that burn with in
they still rise, higher and hotter
never cooling down, always continuing to grow
I fear what may happen
if they are able to get out of my control
surely something I will regret
my heart burnt out, broken by my own hands
soul a charred pile, smoldering ash
I will lay down in cool water tonight
I will tie cinder blocks to my hands
to my feet
I will not allow this fire to consume me
I will not be my own angel of death
instead I will fill my lungs with this divine gift
and become my own
angel of mercy

I have breathed in the moon
I have known what it is to truly love
I have been my own best friend
my own worst enemy
I have spent summer days that never ended
I have spent nights that were eternal
I have known desire's touch and the star's sweet kiss
I have been caressed by the sun
I have been warmed by a mother's endless love
I have known divinity, and the meaning of sacredness
I have known what it is to be at peace with all things
somehow though, it isn't enough

the stars kiss me, sweet and shyly
the moon has embraced me, cool and soft
she has called me her daughter
claimed me as her own

it's never the same after
the sun seems too bright
too hot and cruel
the cover of night is my only sanctuary

I become more like her
cool, distant, mesmerizing, aloof
I am thin, then round, then thin again
until finally in the night I slip into nothing at all

look for me not on the cold earth
but in the expanse of the sky
I will kiss you still
with the shy and sweet kiss of starlight

(All from 09-12-03)