2006 in review

I confess that in 2006 I...

stayed single for the whole year - No
got your first kiss - No again. It's been a while since I could claim that one!
kissed someone new - Yes, one person.
made-out for the first time - Also no
made-out in/on a car - Nope
kissed in the snow - Nope, but there's still a little bit of time...
celebrated Halloween - Yup
kissed in the rain - Nope
fell in love - Fell very much in love
had your heart broken - Twice
broke someone else's heart - Yeah, unfortunately
had a stalker - Um, nope
mooned someone - Also no
went over the minutes on your cell phone - Yup
had a good relationship with someone - Yes
suffered through teenage heartbreak - I'm 28, I think I'm too old for that.
someone questioned your sexual orientation - Not really
came out of the closet - Was I ever really in the closet?
got pregnant - Nope
got someone else pregnant - That would be a little difficult, don't you think?
had an abortion - Nope
got married - Nope
had a divorce - Nope
dated someone you'll never forget - Yes
done something you've regretted - I think that any one who said no to this question would be lying.
lost your true love - No, but losing her completely would have been easier...
lost faith in love - Never, for even a second. If anything, I have more faith in love that I did a year ago.
kissed under mistletoe - Hmm, nope

WORK
got a promotion - Not really
got a pay raise - Sadly, no
changed jobs - Not quite...
waited until one day before to begin a project - Nope
lost your job - Kind of, but not really.
quit your job - I wish
dated a co-worker - Hell no!
dated your boss - Hell no to this one too!
dated your boss' daughter/son - And a hell no to this one!
got fired from your job - Nope
broke the dress code - *laughs* What dress code?
did something you were proud of - A few things
discovered a new talent - Yup
proved yourself an idiot - Not yet. At least, I don't think so.
were involved in something you'll never forget - Absolutely

OTHER
(X) painted a picture
(X) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile...
(X) seen a live concert
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(X) posted a blog on MySpace
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(X) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(X) flirted shamelessly
( ) didn't wash your hands after using bathroom
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) broke in a line of waiting people
(X) volunteered to help out others
( ) visited a new state
(X) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) driven the car drunk
(X) lost something important to you
(X) smoked a cigarette
( ) lied about how old you were
(X) got a gift you adore
(X) got drunk
(X) took a nude picture of yourself
( ) almost got arrested
( ) prank called someone





1.) Where did you ring in 2006?
At home.

2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
In a relationship that was nearing it's end.

3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope

4.) How did you earn your keep?
As a Reprographic Specialist for the United States legal system

5.) Did you end up in the hospital?
Nope

6.) Did you encounter the police?
Other then spotting them around as I went about my daily business, nope.

7.) Where did you go on vacation?
Vermont

8.) What did you purchase that was over $500?
Nothing

9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
This year? No one

10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
My Uncle Howard

11.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with?
When I was home visiting in June and December.

12.) Did you move anywhere?
Nope

13.) What sporting events did you go to?
*just laughs*

14.) Are you registered to vote?
Hell yes

15.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
You're damn right I did!

16.) Where do you live now?
Minnesota. (But not for much longer!)

17.) What did you do on your birthday?
Worked, then went to Muddy Paws for cheesecake.

18.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006.
Fall in love with someone knowing from the start that it couldn't last and I'd end up with a broken heart. (Even still, I don't regret it at all.)

19.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
That I let myself get complacent.

20.) What's something you learned about yourself?
Well, since I don't have the time to write a whole book, and I'm sure you don't want to read one, I'll just say that love is always worth the cost end the end. (After all, I have stars that laugh...)

21.) Any new additions to your family?
Nope. This was a year for subtractions, not additions.

22.) What was your best month?
June was pretty good. I got to come home to Vermont, and the Tiki party was a hella lot of fun. And the last half of December is shaping up to be pretty great too.

23.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by?
None of it! *laughs*

24.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best)?
Well, as far as fun and happiness goes, averaged out, I'd say a 4. As far as positive things gained, well, I'll reserve final judgement for a bit, but for now, I'd say 9.3, at least.

Merry Christmas!

I know that thins is a bit early, but I'm not sure when/if I'm have access to a computer again before Christmas, so I'm going to post this a bit early. *smiles*

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day. Much love to everyone!








(I have to admit, the idea of Lenore taking over Santa's job is a little disconcerting!)

An older poem

So, I'm going to be seeing my father on Christmas, and spending a day with him next week. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this. I'm sure everything will go fine, and it will be a lovely time and all of that. I'm just not sure how I'm going to feel about our relationship after I see him. Sure, now I can say that the arrangement we have works perfectly well for me. It's a lot easier to say when you haven't seen some one in a year and a half. I'm hoping I'll be able to say the same thing next Thursday night.

At any rate, I wrote this poem in August, and appearently never posted it. So here it is, my poem about my father-

Cool and distant

I am the moon in your sky
you love to lift me up
and watch me shine
you always leave me hanging
alone in cold empty space
oh, would that I were the sun!
with the power to burn,
to keep you far away
never close enough
to hear you say
that you love me
and want to be near me
never close enough to hurt me
I wish for your love, your approval
I wish for things I will never have
I hang cold and silent
closing in on myself
hiding my light inch by inch
in hopes of evading your grasp

08-16-06

New Poetry

I know that it's been a while since I've posted anything that I've written. Everything has just been too scattered lately for me to finish anything. I have a bunch of half finished poems, and maybe even a story idea in the works. There will probably be a whole flood of stuff in the next couple of months, once things are a little calmer.

I wasn't going to post this one yet. I had originally thought that it needed more editing. The more I look at it though, the more I think that anything I do to it will only take away from it. So here it is, in its final form. Enjoy!


I'll light down at your side
an angel in the dark of night
I'll fold back my wings,
bring you to my secret places

I'll draw lines of starlight
along your body
with my tongue
and my small hands

until I am the only thing
remaining in your sight
and you (all I want to see)
are the only thing in mine

Coffee, how I adore thee!

I thought it would be nice to do a post in honor of the most indispensable of beverages, coffee.


The inspiration for this post came to me at about 7:30 on Friday morning. This is right about the time that I realized that I had worked 19 & 1/2 hours out of the past 24.

This little story doesn't even start with coffee, or with any intention on my part of getting to have any. It starts with a normal work day on Thursday. (With a normal night's sleep before. By which I mean, about 5 & 1/2 hours.) Then, in the afternoon, we got a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work in fact. And all of it the clients needed back first thing in the morning. And since we have such a small staff, there was no way that we would be able to get it done with normal working hours. So I worked my normal shift (until 4:30), went to my class at the Y, ate some dinner, and was back at work by 9pm, intending on staying the whole night. My entire normal shift on Friday even, if it was necessary.

This is where the coffee comes in. There is no way that I would have been able to pull an all-nighter at work with out it.

I actually brought in my own coffee even. The coffee they have there is pretty much total crap.

It wasn't just any coffee that I brought in. It was coffee! So very tasty and good. After the 10, about ten cups of coffee I had that evening, I was not only still awake, but still wide awake and ready to go at 7:30 in the morning when we finally finished all the work that we had. Granted, this is about how I felt by then -

And I was very happy to know that all the work was done, and shortly I would be able to go home and sleep.

Hopefully it's not something I'll have to do again anytime soon! I'm perfectly okay with staying up all night, but I want it to be on my own terms. Staying up all night for work is much less fun!

Thanks for always being there for me coffee! I love you!

You might have narcolepsy if...

Okay, this one is for all those folks who I've attempted (poorly) to explain what having narcolepsy (or any neurological sleep disorder) is like. This was originally created on a sleep disorder message board I post at. (For those of you who didn't know, I have non-REM Narcolepsy.)
It was written as a joke more or less, but everything on the list is a symptom of having a neurological sleep disorder. Of course, not every one with narcolepsy has all the symptoms, the same ones, or the same severity of their symptoms. Most of us can relate to quite a few though. I know that when I read what was every one else had wrote I found myself nodding my head & smiling in recognition of many of my behaviors/symptoms. And laughing outright at quite a few also. If you find yourself doing the same, I highly suggest getting a sleep study!



You might have narcolepsy if..

-If your TV only has commercials.

-If the first place you check for missing items is the fridge.
I actually wish I had this problem still! I got myself to stop putting things in the fridge, but now I put them "in a safe place" where I'll be able to find them again. *laughs* Yeah, I wish I could find them again! It's usually such a safe place, that I can't remember where it is!

-If you stop mid-sentence twice a day to say "Oops!Forgot to take my meds!"
Yeah, I've done this before. Usually only 3 or 4 days a week though!

-If you require an interpreter to talk to people who speak your native language.

-If your college professor counted you absent because that one day your eyes were actually open and he didn't recognize you.

-If you often awaken with strange imprints on your forehead from things such as a computer keyboards.

-If 2 + 2 = 22 makes sense to you.
Just because it's not correct, doesn't mean it doesn't make sense!

-If you remember that you studied in the textbook (yes, the first 3 paragraphs on page one) and forgot to go to class to take the final exam. (You could swear you had class on Thursday, not Wednesday.)

-If one of your regular weekend chores is searching your house for randomly misplaced items.
*just laughs*

-If your co-workers take turns tapping you.

-If your side of a conversation consists mostly of "And then...wait, I think I was...what was I gonna say?"
Sadly, this happens way more than I'd like it to.

-If, when you see a spider on your wall, you envy his ability to keep moving, but realize he is probably really a figment of your imagination.
Yup, I've had these moments too!

-If you have a clock on every wall in your house and all of them are purposely set ahead to different times so you'll always think "It's time to go!"

-If you've never seen a whole feature film, but appreciate the longer ones because you actually wake up before it's over and you can see the end.

-If you use your driver's license to regularly check the spelling of your name before signing a check or formal document.
I have never done this. However, I do have to say that I've had to stop and think about how to spell my name more than once.

-If you have a 10 hour or more delay on memory retrieval.

-If you have memorized or carry in your wallet a list of "Why I'm Late for Work" excuses for 250 days of the year plus one for leap year.

-If you have to put lunch on your "to do" list.
Now if only I'd remember to read my to do list!

-If you've trained your dog to turn on the coffee maker, pull the covers off you in the morning when your alarm goes off, and prod you into the shower.
I would love to have a dog that does all that.

-If you have more than 3 sticky notes on your bathroom mirror daily and one of them says "Don't forget to read your sticky notes".
I haven't done this one, but it sounds like something I'd do!

-If you've forgotten your own birthday.
Yup, done that too!

-If you feel like you're trapped inside an invisible time machine that thrusts you forward in time in random 2 hour spurts.
*laughs* Yup, I'm very familiar with this one!

-If "yawn" is a four-letter word in your house.
yup

-If "NIGHT is to DAY as SLEEP is to ____" sounds like an unsolvable riddle.
I think that this is a trick question of some sort!

-If you function better when you are under the influence of amphetamines.
Significantly better in fact.

-If your weight loss is linked to memory loss.
Yup

-If you can remember to call your doctor, but you can't remember why.

-If Santa Claus hits your house around noon on Christmas because that's when you're most likely to be unconscious.

-If every time you pass a cop on the road you think to yourself, I hope he didn't see me nod off.
This is one of the reasons I don't drive.

-If you tell people at least twice a day that, "I am so sorry, but I'm absolutely exhausted, and I can not believe that I did that."

-If you tell people the above, and they respond, "What are you talking about, you say that you're absolutely tired everyday!"

-If your boss starts trying to work it so that you can go home at regular hours to get some rest and even is willing to take on duties to do it.

-If you're too tired to sleep.

-If regularly hallucinating when you fall asleep &/or wake up is normal and you are shocked when you realize that not everyone experiences this.

-If you take a drug and experience being awake for the first time in a long time/if ever and think that being awake is the most novel thing on this earth.
I remember that feeling! It really was the most novel thing on earth. I kept thinking of all the things I'd be able to do now that I could stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time.

-If you take a drug and are able to remember the entire drive to work and are shocked by that fact.

-If your doctor can ask you to spend the night without losing his license.

-If "deja vu" crosses your lips at least 5 times a day but draws worried glances from people nearby who just watched you repeat the same behavior.

-If the phrase "rest home" sounds like heaven.

-If "let me slip into something more comfortable" generally means sweats.

-If the lights go out in your office every 5 minutes ever since the management had motion detector sensors installed.

-If there's a good reason your significant other doesn't know what color your eyes are.

-If your children offer tic-tacs to people who doze off in front of them.

-If you praise yourself every time you remember something before it is too late.
*giggles* Yup

-If you've trained yourself to bite the inside of your cheeks to keep your lips tight so you won't drool when you doze in public settings.
I keep meaning to try this...

-If you usually beat your computer to hibernation mode.

-If your dog brings you a treat for remembering to let her out to pee.

-If you have ever put the phone it the fridge only to find it later and replace it with a roll of toilet paper.

-If you have to heat the toilet paper with a hair dryer so you don't get frost bite on your butt because the toilet paper was left in the fridge.

-If your friends talk to the answering machine more than they talk to you.
I'm very guilty of this one.

-If you feel like you have a hangover but missed the party.
This one too. It has been better lately though.

-If you can't remember to whom you are speaking when you made the phone call.

-If you can't remember to whom you are speaking as you stand in front of them.

-If you can't remember if you spoke to anyone yesterday, or if it was all a dream.

-If all of the sudden there are no clean underwear even though you are sure you just did laundry.
This happens to me all the time!

-If most of your interesting tales stop abruptly with, "Oh wait, that was a dream."

-If having someone else clean your house sounds like torture...how would you find anything if someone else put it away? You can't even remember where you put it!

-If you open the same drawer 4 or more times in a row with the hopes that this time that missing item will be in there.
I'm very guilty of this one. I don't know why I do this. I know that what ever I'm looking for isn't going to magically appear.

-If you said yes to something and dreamt you did it, but never really did.

-If you can watch your cat sleep and explain the different stages of sleep as they go through them.

-If you dread hearing the phrase "What was I just saying?" more than pop quizzes in astrophysics.

-If you send the same bill 3 times and still find that check written out for that bill on your kitchen table.

-If your doctor has mistakenly sent you 'narcotics anonymous' instead of 'narcolepsy support group', and you still seem to fit right in.

-If being on prescription stimulants helps you to lead a productive lifestyle which eliminates 3 out of the 5 naps you used to take.

-If 'productive' to you means actually starting and finishing at least one thing in a day!

-If the last place your significant other looks for his clean clothes is in the closet or the dresser drawers.

-If your significant other is no longer surprised by finding car keys, shoes, etc. in the fridge.

-If you get up to go to the bathroom and halfway there forget where you were going.
Sadly, yes, this has happened!

-If you can fall asleep on a roller coaster.

-If you need naps more than your toddler does.

-If you have to constantly ask someone "did this actually happen or was I dreaming?".

-If you are absolutely positive you paid that bill, you remember it vividly, you can even tell what check # and everything only to discover that the check is still in the book and there is nothing on it.

-If you can eat dinner and five minutes later have no idea what you just ate or if you ever did.

-If the statement "I have so much to do right now I'd better go to sleep." makes perfect sense.
Hell yeah it does!

-If you regularly rediscover for the first time that a side effect of your medication is memory loss and are thrilled to have an explanation for your bad memory.
Really? It is? That's great! Wait, I think I heard this before somewhere...

-If you have to read the same things over and over and over and over.

-If you promise to call a friend on Saturday, and it's Thursday before you realize that Saturday has come and went.
I feel really, really bad when I do this! Thank you all for being so understanding with me!

-If you're not a truck driver, but you know every truck stop from here to Canada because you've slept in 'em all.

-If you have to make an appointment with yourself to remember to make your appointment, and then you forget whether or not to make a reminder call to remind yourself to remind you, or to just remind yourself that you remembered.

-If you totally understand the previous statement and remembered that you have an appointment tomorrow at 5:00pm and you forgot to remind yourself.
*giggles* Actually, I do and I did!

-If you know all the Serta Mattress sheep by first name.

-If you are not sure if the change in meds cause more micro sleeps or make it so that you are more alert and therefore notice more micro sleeps, and you spend hours trying to figure it out, because you really want to know.
I really do want to know, but I haven't figured it out yet!

Leaving me comments!

I know that there are folks out there, and reading my blog faithfully. I also know that some of you have said that you would leave me comments, but you didn't know how to. I'm gonna fix that for you right now!

If you scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post, you'll see a line that tells you what time & date I posted this blog, and just to the right of it it says "0 Comments" or what ever number of comments there are for this post. (Most of this line will be in blue.)

If you click on "(#) comments" it will take you at a page where you can leave a comment, and/ or read the comments other people have posted.

You can leave a comment with your own Blogger ID if you have one. (Your Google ID might work, I'm not sure.) Or if you don't have one, you can select Other and put in your name.

Type in your comment, and hit "Publish Comment" and you're all set!

And yes, I will occasionally comment on your comments, so check back every now & then. :)

I hope this was helpful.

As if I needed any extra motivation right now!

Not much to say today. Thought I'd share a little bit about all the oh-so-wonderful changes going on at my job. (Yes yes that was supposed to be sarcastic!) Once again, Drew from Toothpaste for Dinner is going to help me out. :)




This just about sums all of it up-





Well, I'd like to add this one too-

Sadly, we even have to bring in our own water. Well, that's not entirely true. We could drink the bleach filled water from the bathroom sink.




If I was allowed do this -

I would be much more happy at work.


As soon as I know where I'm going to be living next month, I'm going to find a new job. It amazing really, the difference a couple of weeks can make. Two weeks ago, I enjoyed my job. Today on the other hand, I was so angry I was actually shaking, and it took all of my self control not to quit. *shrugs* Oh well, it's just extra motivation to get my ass in gear and finally get myself to collage!

Yup, it's winter

We got our first snowfall today. Not that it was much of a snowfall. It wasn't even enough for me to wear my new boots. It's the only thing about winter I'm looking forward to. Which is one more thing than most years, by the way.

I'm personally thankful that I didn't hear even one person lament the lack of snow. I feel the same way about those people as Drew, the writer of Toothpaste for Dinner feels-




While it is true that we haven't had a lot of snow, it has been damn cold here. For instance, it's a whopping 7 degrees out there right now. And that doesn't even include the wind chill. I can't wait to move out of this state!

ONE WORD

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD.
NO EXPLANATIONS!
NOT AS EASY AS YOU MAY THINK.

1. YOURSELF: independent
2. YOUR GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND: nope
3. YOUR HAIR?: short
4. YOUR MOTHER?: amazing
5. YOUR FATHER?: sucks
6. YOUR FAVORITE ITEM: notebook
7. YOUR DREAM LAST NIGHT: mundane
8. YOUR FAVORITE DRINK: water
9. YOUR DREAM CAR: vintage
10. THE ROOM YOU ARE IN: scanning
11. YOUR EX: sweet
12. YOUR FEAR: frostbite
13. WHAT YOU WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS: myself
14. WHO YOU HUNG OUT WITH LAST NIGHT?: Patience
15. WHAT YOU'RE NOT?: greedy
16. MUFFINS: tasty
17: ONE OF YOUR WISH LIST ITEMS: laptop
18: TIME: afternoon
19. THE LAST THING YOU DID: blogged
20. WHAT YOU ARE WEARING: clothes
21. YOUR FAVORITE WEATHER: warm
22. YOUR FAVORITE BOOK: dog-eared
23. THE LAST THING YOU ATE: fruit
24. YOUR LIFE: exciting
25. YOUR MOOD: happy
26. YOUR SPORT: hahaha!
27. WHO ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW? Jason
29. WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE MOMENT?: chatting
30. YOUR SUMMER: short
31. BEST PART OF YOUR LIFE: now

Another questionnaire thing

SINGLE OR TAKEN: single

EYE COLOR: blue-grey, but they change depending on what my mood is, & what I'm wearing

SHOE SIZE: Why, are you going to buy me some shoes?

HEIGHT: 5'4'

RIGHTY OR LEFTY: righty, although I play pool left handed

CAN YOU MAKE A DOLLAR IN CHANGE RIGHT NOW: nope

__________________________________________________________________

HAVE YOU EVER...

GIVEN ANYONE A BATH: Hm, no, but it could be fun! (Yup, I have a dirty mind, I know!)

BUNGEE JUMPED: not yet

SKINNY DIPPED: yes

LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY: Hasn't everyone?

BROKEN A BONE: no

PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE: yes

BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT: no

BEEN ON A PLANE: yes

CAME CLOSE TO DYING: Yes, more than once.

RAN AWAY: From home, or from my problems? Well, either way, it's yes.

BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART: Unfortunately, yes

CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: Since I'm not heartless, yes

FELL OFF YOUR CHAIR: *laughs* Okay, this is a random question. I'm sure that I have at some point when I was drunk.

SAT BY THE PHONE ALL NIGHT WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO CALL: Not for many years. I have a life, and lots of things to keep me busy. If some one doesn't call with in a reasonable time frame of when they say they will, I'm not going to put my entire life on hold for them.

SAVED AIM CONVERSATIONS: Yeah. That's one of the reasons I love gmail. It automatically archives everything for me. :)

MADE OUT WITH JUST A FRIEND: Not if I didn't already have more than friendly feelings toward him.

USED SOMEONE: No, I don't think so. I'm too independent and stubborn for that. Plus, it's a rotten thing to do!

BEEN CHEATED ON: Yes I have.

__________________________________________________________________

DO YOU...

BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Kind of? I believe in recognition of some one who you have known and loved before, in a previous life.

BELIEVE IN LONG DISTANT RELATIONSHIPS: I suppose it could work. I think that it depends on how long the distance is, how often you get to see each other, and how close you were before it became a long distance relationship. It certainly makes it a hell of a lot more difficult. Of course, that being said, one of my very dearest friends lives literally half way around the world, and I have yet to meet her in person.

LIKE SCHOOL: I love learning anything new, but I wasn't so fond of school.

QUESTION YOURSELF: No more than any one else. Probably less than many people.

HAVE A LAVA LAMP: Nope.

__________________________________________________________________

WHO:

WAS THE LAST PERSON THAT CALLED YOU: Jason

MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST: My cat. These people also make me smile a lot - Bev, Tiff, Jason, Irene, Leni & Trevor.

KNOWS YOU THE BEST: Tiff, Patience, Bev and Kyle

WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO SAW/HEARD YOU CRY: It's been a while since any one has seen me cry. Kyle probably, or maybe Bev.

WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY: Kyle, and some one who I mistakenly thought was a better friend than she was.

__________________________________________________________________

FINAL QUESTIONS:

WHAT DID YOU DO YESTERDAY: Went to work, went to the gym, goofed off on line for a bit.

WHAT CAR/TRUCK DO YOU WISH TO HAVE: Well, I wouldn't kick a BMW 507 out of my driveway! Look at the lines on that thing! It's one sexy car.


HOW MANY REMOTE CONTROLS ARE IN YOUR HOUSE: Too many

ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED: Yes I am. *grins*

How will you die?

Aeryn: At age 76 you will spontaneously combust while dining out with your family.

How Will You Die?

Well, it is a great way to go! Or at least , there are a lot worse ways!

The laundry room!

Okay, for those of you who have expressed concern, or mere curiosity over my current living arrangement, here is my bedroom/ the laundry room. As you can see, it's really not so bad, is it? I realized how frightfully bear the walls are after taking these. I'm in the process of fixing that now. *smiles* We'll go around the room clockwise, from the door leading into the kitchen.

This is what you see as you first walk into my room. Yup, it's my bed!


Moving right along, this is the foot of my bed! (Pretty exciting stuff, huh?) And the door leading outside.


Next we have my desk, and my window. There's not much to see out there. And even if there was, Mike's Charger is usually in the way. *laugh*


What does the top of my desk look like you ask? Well, that's an easy question to answer.

And yes, the drawers are just as clean as the top is!

And here are the infamous washer & drier. Oh, the horror! (And also, most of my clothes!)


Now we're around to the area more or less behind the kitchen door. Here's my dresser-


Here's a better look at the top of it! And those aren't toys, they're collectible figurines, dammit! *laughs*


Here's the bit I know that you've all been waiting for- my primary bookcase! (I have two more tall ones, but they're in the living room.)


And because I know you want to know what's on my bookcase, here are some better shots of it.
Top shelf-


And bottom shelf-



That's it on your tour of my room. I hope that you enjoyed it, and now feel more assured that isn't nearly the dank hovel that some of you had apparently been imagining it was!

The Haiku Quiz!

info about me
in seventeen syllables
one more questionnaire

What is your name?
a little piece of
personal information
I don't want to share

Do you have any piercings?
I'm pierced with metal
the flesh of navel and ears
I have pretty holes

Do you have any tattoos?
now there is but one
One day I will have much more
decorated skin

What kind of car do you drive?
Everywhere I go
I walk or I take the bus
I don't want a car

Do you have any brothers or sisters?
I have no siblings
I grew up an only child
I like to be alone

What is the last song you have listened to?
'Non-Stop Violence'
Apoptygma Bezerk
Euro-Pop is fun

Who is the last person you called?
Bev is most recent
on my phone's 'dialed calls' list
she is a great friend

Do you wish you were somewhere else? If so, where?
Moscow would be nice
Seattle would be great or
Burlington Vermont

Do others find you attractive?
I have no idea
what other people may think
you'd have to ask them

Do you like to clean?
does anyone really?
of course I don't like to clean
but it must be done

Do you like roller coasters?
I love to ride them
Or anything that goes fast
rides are hella fun

How many scars do you have and where did you get them?
road rash on elbow
horse bite on my upper arm
not too many scars

Pessimistic or Optimistic?
I am cynical
but also optimistic
maybe bi-polar?

What is your story behind your user name?
It's 'Daughter of fire'
from a language not my own
my name is Gaelic

What kind of jewelry do you wear?
today I have on
a hand made beaded necklace
black with pretty stars

What are you wearing right now?
jeans and a t-shirt
a hoodie and my sneakers
it is a work day

What are you looking forward to this month?
December to come
I'm going home for Christmas
I can not wait

Do you believe in love?
I believe in love
though nothing is eternal
it is still worthwhile

Can you eat with chopsticks?
since I was a child
I'll use them for any meal
often when I am alone

Eye color?
most of the time blue
sometimes they change their color
to green or to gray

Been in a car accident?
a fiery death
should have been mine years ago
during an ice storm

Have you ever been out of your country?
Canada only
But to Moscow and London
I will go one day

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Boarders most likely
I would buy hundreds of books
and be filled with joy

Your birthday?
Before the sun rose
On the 12th of December
is when I was born

Serial killers, software, idiots & magical math!

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer? Do you think that you can tell them apart? (I got 7 out of 10.)

The Idiot Test This was fun. But then again, I find science talk sexy. And it told me that I may consider myself brilliant. *smile*


The Russian Magic Square This is a cool little 'mind reading' math puzzle. It's rather brilliant in it's simplicity. It actually took me a couple of minutes to figure it out myself.

BEST, WORST, LAST, FIRST, TODAY, TOMORROW, FAVORITES, CURRENTLY, AND TRUE & FALSE.

BEST

1. MALE FRIEND: Well, honestly, I'm not too sure about this one right now. It used to be Kyle, but given the recent changes in my life, there are of course a lot of things I can't talk to him about anymore. So probably Mike, or Jason.
2. FEMALE FRIEND: Bev
3. VACATION: Vermont - June 2006
4. MEMORY: I have so many that are great, I don't think that I could pick one single memory out as my favorite.

WORST

1. TIME OF DAY: morning
2. DAY OF THE WEEK: Monday
3. FOOD: Lima beans
4. MEMORY: none of your business

LAST

1. PERSON YOU SAW: Bev
2. TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: Jason
3. TEXT: Jason
4. MESSAGED OVER MYSPACE: Irene


TODAY

1. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW: Filling out this dumb survey, and goofing off in general.
2. WEARING: Jeans, sneakers, and a blue sweater.
3. BETTER THAN YESTERDAY: Yesterday was better, but since it was Thanksgiving I think that's justified.

1. IS: was a pretty good day
2. GOT ANY PLANS: Collecting Trevor's luggage for him, talking to Jason later.
3. DISLIKES ABOUT TOMORROW: Saturday's do not last any longer than weekdays.

FAVORITE

1. NUMBER: I don't have one, but I am rather fond of multiples of three.
2. SONG: There are a lot of them
3. COLOR: purple, blue, black, gray, silver
4. SEASON: Autumn

CURRENTLY

1. MISSING SOMEONE: yup
2. MOOD: pretty good
3. WANTING: to be in Vermont

TRUE OR FALSE:

I AM A CUDDLER: true
I AM A MORNING PERSON: false, very, very false
I AM AN ONLY CHILD: true
I AM CURRENTLY IN MY PJ'S: true
I AM ADDICTED TO MYSPACE: false
I AM ONLINE 24/7: false
I AM VERY SHY AROUND THE OPPOSITE GENDER: false
I CAN BE PARANOID AT TIMES: true
I CURSE FREQUENTLY: false
I CURSE WHEN I'M MAD: true
I LOVE SMOOTHIES: true
I ENJOY TALKING ON THE PHONE: mostly false, but true for a few certain people
I HAVE A HIDDEN TALENT: true
I HAVE A TENDENCY TO FALL FOR THE "WRONG" GIRL/GUY: false
I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I HAVE AN UNUSUAL SENSE OF HUMOR: true
I HAVE CHANGED A DIAPER: true
I HAVE CHANGED A LOT OVER THE PAST YEAR: true
I HAVE HAD MAJOR/MINOR SURGERY: true (wisdom teeth)
I HAVE HAD MY HAIR CUT WITHIN THE LAST 2 MONTHS: true
I HAVE HAD THE COPS CALLED ON ME: false

Only on Thanksgiving!

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving and get away with it!!

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11.. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!!!

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for This Year

1. All of the insight I've gained this year. It hasn't been an easy year, this is true. I wouldn't trade any of it if I could though. The lessons learned have been worth the pain & difficulty. After all, nothing worth having ever comes easy.

2. Bev and Patience. I'm so thankful for your unending & unfailing love and support this year. For the late night phone calls & chats, listening when I needed to talk, and giving me shoulder when I needed to cry or just a hug, for all of the insight and advice, for telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and for the offers to sleep on their couches. You were there for me every time I needed you, not matter what. I don't think I would have made it through this year sane with out you two. Thanks!

3. My friends. You are are wonderful, & I love you! Almost all of you have heard some of the craziness that has been my life this year, and never told me to shut up. Instead you took me out for a beer, or ice cream, or a walk in the park, giving me the chance to restore my batteries, and catch up on what was going on in your lives.

4. Having an excellent primary doctor, and neurologist. And for the medication they prescribe. With out it I'd be like this all the time-

It's nice to be able to stay awake all day!

5. Meeting new friends. Specifically one person I recently met who I like, a lot. In more than just a friendly way in fact. I have renewed hope in the future, and the male gender! I'm looking forward to getting to see him, in less than a month.

6. That it's almost 2007! I'm more than ready for 2006 to be over. I may be thankful for all I've learned, but I'm ready to have some time with out growth! I think that 2007 is going to be an excellent year!

7. My sweet little beastie, Kai.

She has brought me an endless supply of amusement and comfort. It's easy to be happy when you have a cat in your house.

8. Kyle. This year hasn't been any easier for him, but we've both come through it as better, stronger people. He's been a stabilizing and grounding force in my life for many years, and even through out the break up. I'm thankful that we are still friends, and that he agreed that it was for the best for both of us to end our relationship. I'm also thankful that he's not pushing me to move out quickly, since I don't really have any place to go.

9. Irene. I can feel her presence, and love even though she is far from me. Her friendship was the catalyst that helped me unlock a part of my past I'd thought buried, and to be able to let it go. She has been not just my dear friend, but muse, inspiration, beloved & a glimpse of the Divine. I'm thankful that she is in my life.


10. And of course, I'm thankful that have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a job. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I have the right to express my opinion, and to live my life as I choose. I'm thankful that I have an education, and unrestricted access to media of all kinds. I'm thankful that I don't have to stay in a gender role that I would hate. I'm thankful that I get to vote, and and play an active part in my government. I'm thankful that I live in a country with peace with in it's borders. I'm thankful that I have limitless possibilities for my life.


PS- One more thing I'm thankful for today- That I get to go home for Christmas! I'm so very excited. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing you all a very happy Thanksgiving. In between stuffing your faces & falling asleep on the couch, don't forget to pause for a minute and think about the things that you have to be thankful for! (Like being able to sit in your nice comfy home on the computer!)

For those of you who are stuck with family obligations you don't want today-
I'll be thinking of you while I hang out with friends and play Mario Cart!

I am so fucking excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cure is coming to the US!!!!!!!! *jumps up & down & squeals with glee* I am so fucking excited right now. Only one confirmed date so far, but more to dates in US are to follow!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone want to go to the Ultra Music Festival with me? March 24th, in Miami Florida. I'm kind of serious about this. It's worth eating ramen for 3 months to go to. After all, it's Robert Fucking Smith!!!!!

The Cure

The Cure - myspace page

Ultra Music Festival

Ultra Music Festival - myspace Page

Nine People

Name 9 people you can think of right off the top of your head. Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 9 people. This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first.. No cheating!!!

1. Bev
2. Kyle
3. Irene
4. Patience
5. Tiff
6. Leni
7. Mike
8. Trevor
9. Colleen

DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED OUT THE TOP!

How did you meet 3?
Kyle introduced us.

What would you do if you had never met 1?
What would I do? Probably nothing, since I wouldn't know what a great friendship I was missing out on! Now, if you asked what I'd be doing now if I hadn't met number 1 I'd have a different answer for you. If I hadn't met her, I'd probably be some nice quiet place where I could 'get some rest' by now!

What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Well, that would just be really, really bizarre. I would be okay with it, cause I'm pretty sure that the world would be ending!

How do you know 8?
I met him through a mutual friend when he moved out to Minneapolis. He's dating one of my very best friends. He rocks!

What do you think about 7?
He's a great guy. Very sweet, and intelligent. I'm glad to have him as one of my friends.He's kind of like the big brother I always wanted.

A fact about 9?
She make the best meat & cheese dip ever! I always have a lot of fun when I'm with her. Okay, so that's two facts. :P

What would you do if 5 confessed they loved you?
I would be scared. And confused. And wonder why when I half-assedly tried to kiss her once when we were drunk in 11th grade she told me to shut up & go to sleep!

Who is 4 going out with?
Jason. A wonderful man she's going to be marrying in June. :)

Has 2 ever been to your house?
Um, I should hope so. We've lived together for the past 5 years!

Would you ever live with 8?
Nah. He's a great guy, but I think that would just be way to weird!

What do you like best about 3?
That she is so sweet, and intelligent, and funny. That she loves me exactly as I am.

Is 2 your best friend?
He's one of my best friends.

Do you miss number 6?
Nah, she's only about 150 feet away from me!

Voting is cool!

I hope that all of you reading this who are are in the US are going to take the time to vote today! Voting is a privilege that we are lucky to have. I strongly believe that if we want to keep this privilege we need to treat it is a responsibility. So get your asses to your local polling places folks!

I know I've heard almost all of you (rightly) state that there needs to be a change in our government. Now's the time to make that happen. For those of you in Minneapolis you can register to vote at the polls if you haven't already. You really have no excuse except laziness. Here's the Star Trib's candidate Overviews for you even.

Remember, voting isn't just about the President, Governors and national representatives. It's also about judges, sheriffs, schools, public transportation and local government. Things that really do have an impact on your every day life!

Don't be one of the sheeple folks! Get out there and vote. Surely you don't have anything so important to do on a Tuesday evening that you can't spare a half an hour on your way home from work?


Things Republicans want you to forget.

Can you name all the Republicans who have been convicted or are currently under criminal investigation in a single breath?



Vote . Fulfill your responsibility to yourself, your community, and your country.

Which Nature Image Are You?

Which Nature Image Are You? An Autumn Forest Thoughtful, intelligent, and introspective. You enjoy the company of others, but only a select few and for a limited time.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Um, yeah, sure, what ever

So, it's 1 in the morning, I've been drinking, wait, no, I'm drunk, I may as well admit it. Okay, so It;s 1 in the morning I'm drunk and I'm blogging. I'm pretty damn sure that this is not a good sign. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm listening to Joy Division? So it's 1 am I'm drunk, blogging and listening to Joy Division. You can judge for yourself how this is gonna go. Oh, now I'm listening to Tori Amos. (As if that is so much better!) Oh wait, now it's Imogen Heap! (Yeah, still not much better!)

Yeah, so I'm a bit drunk, sitting here blogging, thinking about life. I'm talking to my ex-husband through myspace email as I type. (I bet that is a suprise to some of you isn't it? That I was marrried once. For now all I will say is that I was too young to know what I wanted. Maybe someday I will tell the whole story. You'll have to ask first. It's not a part of my life that I'll willingly divulge. However, it is part of my past, and part of what has made me the person I am today). Although I wish that things had turned out differently I still am thankfull for the lessons learned.

You know I have to break from my current train of though to say a big F you to those who I thought were my true friends. Those whoI thought would be there for me. Now, I know that they are both going though thier own troubles. I really do. However, you would think that for all the love I have shown them, for all the selfless and even self-sacrificing actions, they would be there for me when I needed them. One I have not heard from since I told her the news. The other is too wrapped in her own life to notice my need of her. It's kind of funny, I will probably forgive the first one before the second. Even though the second had better reasons. I guess it is because the first has such a tie around my heart.

Oh hell, I'll admit it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on, what life is all about. I suppose that we each do the best with the knowlage we are given. I almost think (and fear) that my lesson for this life time is not just to love. That my lesson is humility.

So, um, yeah, it's a bit later. (3:30 in the morning) I've spent almost an hour and a half talking to John. It was good. It was cleansing to my soul. I feel a bit of closer now. I know that it won't be that last conversation that we have. I can't help but think that this is a good thing. I feel like I've grown a lot in this past year. I understand so much more than I used to. I have a greater capacity for love, for compassion and empathy. I feel a lot more at peace than I did yesterday. I feel like I have a greater understanding of, well, of something. Of something huge, and important. Something that is right around the corner. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm not as scared of the learning process as I was. This makes me very happy. It's not in my nature to be scared of anything. It's especially not in my nature to be scared of knowladge. I am looking forward to the changes ahead, and even the challanges. Even if they are hard, I know that I will be a better person because of them. I actually am looking forward to the challanges ahead of me! I am finally ready to face my future. I will do it with hope. With hope, and joy, and optimism. I know it will be hard. I also know that it will be worth it.

A couple of movies, and a silly celebrity website! (Fri Gaming & entertainment post)

Has anyone else heard about the movie Tideland? It looks bizarre and intriguing.

Plot summary- "Jeliza-Rose is a young girl in a very unusual situation both of her parents are junkies and she is usually left to her own devices for entertainment. When her mother dies, her father takes her to a remote farm in the country, she escapes the vast loneliness of her new home by retreating into a world that exists only in her mind. Here, fireflies have names, bog-men awaken at dusk, and squirrels talk. And the heads of her four dolls Mystique, Baby Blonde, Glitter Gal, and Sateen Lips long since separated from their bodies, keep her company."

I think that I may go see it. I'm not quite sure that I'm going to to think its a good movie. It's so damn bizarre that it makes me want to see it though. It starts today at the Lagoon. Does any one want to go see it with me?



Another bizarre looking movie I found out about this week is We Are The Strange. (Thanks Trevor!) I am very intrigued by this one, and will definitely go see it once it is finished. It's a one man project, done in 'Str8nime.' I bet that if you didn't already know about this film, by now you're wondering what it's about, and what the hell str8nime is, aren't you? I could try to explain it, but it's really one of those things you have to see for yourself. So go ahead and click of one of those handy links I've put in for you, and check it out!


And the last thing for today, a celebrity blog I even enjoy! The Superficial knows as well as you & I do that the only thing most popular celebrities are good for is making fun of! That's all that they do, and they do it reasonably well even! It's great for days when you're feeling catty and snarky and really just want to laugh at some one. It's also great for bad days too! It reminds you that it could be worse, you could be Paris Hilton!

Playlist - becuase somebody else has already said it better!

Assorted stuff that makes me think of some of you. It you think I posted a song in reference to you, you're probably right! But go ahead & send me a message or leave me a comment if you want to know for sure. *grin*


Let Go - Frou Frou

Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap

here's the day you hoped would never come
don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers
the coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

there there baby, it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't lose your head
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

sleeping pills know
sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
you can't keep on like this
now's a bad a time as any

there there baby it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't kill yourself
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

Lullaby – Assemblage 23

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

The Walk – Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now because you and I were never meant to meet
I think you better leave, it’s not safe in here
I feel a weakness coming on

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now you're as close as it gets without touching me
And don't make it harder then it already is
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day
That’s where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving
Oh, I was doing so well, could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, yeah
No, it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Songs for the wind and stars

If I Could - Phish

Take me to another place, she said
Take me to another time
Run with me across the oceans
Float me on a silver cloud

If I could I would, but I don't know how
If I could I would, but I don't know how
If I could I would and I'd take you now

Do What You Have To Do - Sarah MacLachlan

...

And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

...

I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

I Am In Love With You - Imogen Heap

I am in love with you
I am in love with you baby
I am in love with you yeah
Live for the moment

Right now another please
Right now another please
Just like that aaah
Like that, another one babe
And kiss me for longer

Oh hey baby don't you run away
Come here and finish what you started

I am in love with you
I am in love with you baby
I am in love with you yeah
At least for the moment

Split second and it's all in smoke yeah
So wet this fire dry

No don't get yourself in situations
No don't get yourself in situations
Darling that you can't handle

No I don't mind if you forget yourself
No I don't mind did you forget yourself darling?

Come on into my bed with me
You know you want to

I'm not in love with you
I'm not in love with you baby
I'm not in love with you yeah
Not anymore


Fly Away - Poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way.
That the sky should break,and the earth should shake.
As if to say, “Sure it all matters, but in such an unimportant way.”
As if to say, “Fly away, sweet bird of prey, fly, fly away.”
Nothing can stand in your way, sweet bird
If you knew the words I know you'd say, “Fly, fly away.”

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way.
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake.
As if to say, “Sure, it don't matter, except in the most important way.”
As if to say, “Fly away, sweet bird of prey, fly, fly away.”
I won't stand in your way, sweet bird
If you knew the words, I know that you'd say, “fly away.”

It makes sense that it should feel this way.
That you slowly fade, yet still remain.
As if to say, “Everything matters in such an invisible way.”
As if to say, “It's okay, fly away.”

Think of Me - Sarah Brightman

Think of me, think of me fondly
When we say goodbye
Remember me once in a while
Promise me you’ll try

When you find that once again you long
To take your heart back and be free
If you ever find a moment
Spare a thought for me

...

We never said our love was ever green
Or as unchanging as the sea
but please promise me
that sometimes you will think of me.

A single song for a land slide

Which Drink - Levi Weaver

so which drink did my memory drown in?
and which thought was the first one to consider him?
and which night was the night when the kingdom I thought I was king of fell
like the walls at the waves of a broken dam
make me a broken man

so if we're all guilty, what's the point in pointing fingers anyway?

...

and oh the things I've tried to cover up and compromise
put it up on a shelf, hide it in sheet rock - wrap it in cellophane
but this is not a phase you can ignore 'till it goes away
I've got to face this now
I've got to take these walls down

so this is the last song in a series titled 'how you broke my heart'
and I think it's the best one, and here comes my favorite part
I forgive you
and I'm sorry
and I'm sorry it took so long
and I wish you the best in everything
I wish you the best in everything

Songs for the ocean

A Letter To Elise - The Cure

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like we keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do
I know I'll never really get inside of you
To make your eyes catch fire the way they should
The way the blue could pull me in
If they only would, if they only would
At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else
That hides away

From me to you there are worlds to part
With aching looks and breaking hearts
And all the prayers your hands can make
Oh I just take as much as you can throw
And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away

Like throwing faces at the sky like throwing arms round
Yesterday I stood and stared wide-eyed in front of you
And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to
But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do

Elise believe I never wanted this
I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
But I let the dream go
And the promises broke and the make-believe ran out...

So Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand as fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
At all...


Loose Ends - Imogen Heap

we're kissing without kissing
got it down to a fine art
love's supposed to keep you young & frisky
we grew up and wide apart
not now not ever, no it's never a good time
how will the good times ever roll along
comparing photos that are no longer there
just wondering where it all went wrong

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
we're overrated anyway


Northern Lad - Tori Amos

...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places, but I can't go anymore
"You change like sugar cane" says my northern lad
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars

I feel the west in you
And I feel it falling apart too
Don't say that you don't
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you've got to know
When it's time to turn the page
When you're only wet
Because of the rain


Strange - Tori Amos

Strange, thought I knew you well
Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change in your eyes
So strange
Woke up to a world that I am not a part
Except when I can play it's stranger

...

"Just stay," you said "we'll build a nest"
So I left my life
Tried on your friends, tried on your opinions
So when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
I put our snowflake under a microscope

After all what was I really looking for
and I wonder when will I learn
Maybe my wish knew better than I did
and I wonder when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in deeper than I thought I was
if I have enough love for the both of us

so strange now I'm finally in
the party has begun
it's not like I can't feel you still
but strange
what I will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now I must be leaving

A Few Random Thoughts

So, I was going to do a real post today. I was going to do an art post, with links & cool pictures & everything! However, I only had one site that I found interesting enough to share, so I'm just going to wait until next week. So you get a personal update post instead. After all, that's the reason I started a blog, wasn't it? Hold on for just a minute, because I'm not so sure now.

*goes back into my archives & looks it up* (April 2, 2006 if you're interested.)

Yup, that is the reason that I started it. I think that I'm getting better about the whole opening up thing. I really do. Sure I've had a few set backs. A couple of very painful experiences regarding trusting other people with my feelings, and a lot of heartbreak. I've learned a lot though. About myself, about people I thought I knew, and about human nature in general. And a hell of a lot about love.

At this point I'd like to say thank you to all of those people that have helped me gain all of this insight. Some of you know who you are.

And I'd like to say an even larger thank you to all of you who have been there for me while all this learning has taken place. I don't know how I would have managed it with your unending patience, beers, offers to crash on your couch, distractions and shoulders to cry on through all of my circular logic, mopey silences, grieving, finally accepting things as they are, and all of my scatteredness with all of the change going on. Bev & Patience, you have both gone above & beyond the call of friendship, and I am so thankful for you both. There are no words to tell you the gratitude, respect, and love I have for both of you.

I'm looking forward to 2007. This has been a pretty rough year for pretty much every one I know. At least there is finally light on the horizon!

I'm also looking forward to Seattle. A new city, a fresh start and all that. I think that I'm going to end up needing to pretty much cut ties with everyone for a few months once I get there. Not so much for my sake as for every one else's. I know that I'm going to self destruct a bit. And now that I've cured myself of all of my vices, it's going to happen in more subtle ways. It's probably going to be pretty messy inside of my head for a while. No one else needs to see that. Yes, I know that's what my friends are there for. I don't want to drag any one else down with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything harmful to myself. I'm not going to take up any unsafe behaviors, I promise. I won't let myself sink too low either. I've been through much worse and been able to pull myself back out of it. I don't expect this time will be any different. Plus, I enjoy life way too much to let myself stay down for very long.

Things are already so much better than they were a month ago even. I've been able to strengthen a few old friendships, and make a couple of new ones. One person in particular has done a lot to help restore my faith in humanity in general. It's kind of funny how much we affect each other's lives, often with out realizing it. After having only known him for more than a day or so, he already had quite an impact on me. I've very glad to have meet him, even if he may be trying to kill me!

Okay, I think that this is enough sharing for one day!