Saturday, November 04, 2006

Um, yeah, sure, what ever

So, it's 1 in the morning, I've been drinking, wait, no, I'm drunk, I may as well admit it. Okay, so It;s 1 in the morning I'm drunk and I'm blogging. I'm pretty damn sure that this is not a good sign. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm listening to Joy Division? So it's 1 am I'm drunk, blogging and listening to Joy Division. You can judge for yourself how this is gonna go. Oh, now I'm listening to Tori Amos. (As if that is so much better!) Oh wait, now it's Imogen Heap! (Yeah, still not much better!)

Yeah, so I'm a bit drunk, sitting here blogging, thinking about life. I'm talking to my ex-husband through myspace email as I type. (I bet that is a suprise to some of you isn't it? That I was marrried once. For now all I will say is that I was too young to know what I wanted. Maybe someday I will tell the whole story. You'll have to ask first. It's not a part of my life that I'll willingly divulge. However, it is part of my past, and part of what has made me the person I am today). Although I wish that things had turned out differently I still am thankfull for the lessons learned.

You know I have to break from my current train of though to say a big F you to those who I thought were my true friends. Those whoI thought would be there for me. Now, I know that they are both going though thier own troubles. I really do. However, you would think that for all the love I have shown them, for all the selfless and even self-sacrificing actions, they would be there for me when I needed them. One I have not heard from since I told her the news. The other is too wrapped in her own life to notice my need of her. It's kind of funny, I will probably forgive the first one before the second. Even though the second had better reasons. I guess it is because the first has such a tie around my heart.

Oh hell, I'll admit it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on, what life is all about. I suppose that we each do the best with the knowlage we are given. I almost think (and fear) that my lesson for this life time is not just to love. That my lesson is humility.

So, um, yeah, it's a bit later. (3:30 in the morning) I've spent almost an hour and a half talking to John. It was good. It was cleansing to my soul. I feel a bit of closer now. I know that it won't be that last conversation that we have. I can't help but think that this is a good thing. I feel like I've grown a lot in this past year. I understand so much more than I used to. I have a greater capacity for love, for compassion and empathy. I feel a lot more at peace than I did yesterday. I feel like I have a greater understanding of, well, of something. Of something huge, and important. Something that is right around the corner. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm not as scared of the learning process as I was. This makes me very happy. It's not in my nature to be scared of anything. It's especially not in my nature to be scared of knowladge. I am looking forward to the changes ahead, and even the challanges. Even if they are hard, I know that I will be a better person because of them. I actually am looking forward to the challanges ahead of me! I am finally ready to face my future. I will do it with hope. With hope, and joy, and optimism. I know it will be hard. I also know that it will be worth it.

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