An older poem

So, I'm going to be seeing my father on Christmas, and spending a day with him next week. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this. I'm sure everything will go fine, and it will be a lovely time and all of that. I'm just not sure how I'm going to feel about our relationship after I see him. Sure, now I can say that the arrangement we have works perfectly well for me. It's a lot easier to say when you haven't seen some one in a year and a half. I'm hoping I'll be able to say the same thing next Thursday night.

At any rate, I wrote this poem in August, and appearently never posted it. So here it is, my poem about my father-

Cool and distant

I am the moon in your sky
you love to lift me up
and watch me shine
you always leave me hanging
alone in cold empty space
oh, would that I were the sun!
with the power to burn,
to keep you far away
never close enough
to hear you say
that you love me
and want to be near me
never close enough to hurt me
I wish for your love, your approval
I wish for things I will never have
I hang cold and silent
closing in on myself
hiding my light inch by inch
in hopes of evading your grasp

08-16-06

New Poetry

I know that it's been a while since I've posted anything that I've written. Everything has just been too scattered lately for me to finish anything. I have a bunch of half finished poems, and maybe even a story idea in the works. There will probably be a whole flood of stuff in the next couple of months, once things are a little calmer.

I wasn't going to post this one yet. I had originally thought that it needed more editing. The more I look at it though, the more I think that anything I do to it will only take away from it. So here it is, in its final form. Enjoy!


I'll light down at your side
an angel in the dark of night
I'll fold back my wings,
bring you to my secret places

I'll draw lines of starlight
along your body
with my tongue
and my small hands

until I am the only thing
remaining in your sight
and you (all I want to see)
are the only thing in mine

The Haiku Quiz!

info about me
in seventeen syllables
one more questionnaire

What is your name?
a little piece of
personal information
I don't want to share

Do you have any piercings?
I'm pierced with metal
the flesh of navel and ears
I have pretty holes

Do you have any tattoos?
now there is but one
One day I will have much more
decorated skin

What kind of car do you drive?
Everywhere I go
I walk or I take the bus
I don't want a car

Do you have any brothers or sisters?
I have no siblings
I grew up an only child
I like to be alone

What is the last song you have listened to?
'Non-Stop Violence'
Apoptygma Bezerk
Euro-Pop is fun

Who is the last person you called?
Bev is most recent
on my phone's 'dialed calls' list
she is a great friend

Do you wish you were somewhere else? If so, where?
Moscow would be nice
Seattle would be great or
Burlington Vermont

Do others find you attractive?
I have no idea
what other people may think
you'd have to ask them

Do you like to clean?
does anyone really?
of course I don't like to clean
but it must be done

Do you like roller coasters?
I love to ride them
Or anything that goes fast
rides are hella fun

How many scars do you have and where did you get them?
road rash on elbow
horse bite on my upper arm
not too many scars

Pessimistic or Optimistic?
I am cynical
but also optimistic
maybe bi-polar?

What is your story behind your user name?
It's 'Daughter of fire'
from a language not my own
my name is Gaelic

What kind of jewelry do you wear?
today I have on
a hand made beaded necklace
black with pretty stars

What are you wearing right now?
jeans and a t-shirt
a hoodie and my sneakers
it is a work day

What are you looking forward to this month?
December to come
I'm going home for Christmas
I can not wait

Do you believe in love?
I believe in love
though nothing is eternal
it is still worthwhile

Can you eat with chopsticks?
since I was a child
I'll use them for any meal
often when I am alone

Eye color?
most of the time blue
sometimes they change their color
to green or to gray

Been in a car accident?
a fiery death
should have been mine years ago
during an ice storm

Have you ever been out of your country?
Canada only
But to Moscow and London
I will go one day

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Boarders most likely
I would buy hundreds of books
and be filled with joy

Your birthday?
Before the sun rose
On the 12th of December
is when I was born

Ah, to be 17 again part 1 - high school love

The velvety darkness of night fell
With my doubts
And our clothes
We made our promises
By the light of the moon
And gave each other all we had
ourselves
(1996)



Sunrise
The sun rose
Outside
The window
And in my eyes
And I looked at you
As if for the first time
And saw the light
In your eyes too
And I knew the sun would never set
That you
Would be my light
Forever
(1996)



Life
It was the morning after
Life
Only I didn�t die today
When the sun rose
And I thought
This is a day to remember
The day I was alive
And the sun didn't burn
And neither did the pain
And the night wasn't so cold
Because I knew
You love me
(1996)



Breakfast
I ate a hash brown
And told you I loved you
And you asked me
Did I ever eat
And I said yes
Sometimes
And I knew
You loved me
As you smiled
And drank your
orange juice
(1996)



You touched my hand
You touched my heart
And we flew
Together
Dancing in the stars
You and I
(1996)



Reality
Am I real?
Am I alive?
Should I care?
Should I strive?
Is my reflection really me?
Am I really what you see?
If I touch my hand to yours
Will I feel as I did before?
Is this love ours to keep?
Do you see me in your sleep?
Are you the one to make me whole?
Are you the one to touch my soul?
Please be the one to make me feel
Please be the one to make me real
(96/97)



tame me
name me
turn me into something beautiful pure new
hold me
mold me
shape me
as strong as the mountains soft as the valleys
in me
win me
awake my mind body soul
mark me
spark me
set fire to my heart cool down my spirit
show me
know me
take me to another time place life
mend me
defend me
fix this broken heart hear these broken words
(96/97)



I smiled this morning
Into my Lucky Charms
Remembering
We used to eat them together
Everyday
And never wanted anything more
(Fall, 1997)




To be that idealistic & hopefull again!

Ah, to be 17 again part 2 - teen-age angst

Dance of the Demons
They came back last night
To sit on my bed
They came back last night
To take me for dead
Demons dancing in my head
Singing in my mind
Demons dancing in my head
Say "Come, be of our kind"
Don't want the dark to come
They come with the fleeing of light
Don't want the dark to come
I won't get any sleep tonight
(96/97)




Demon eyes
if you look closely
in my eyes
you can see
the demons
that haunt me
that drive me
from me
that make me
want to end it all
so I can finally
get some
sleep
(96/97)




Momma
Momma, sit up with me tonight
I don't want to sleep
The monster in my closet moved
Into my head
And he won't go away
Momma, sit up with me tonight
I don't want to dream
Shadowy spider webs trap me
In their world
Where I always die
Momma, sit up with me tonight
I don't want to cry
(96/97)




Empty
Fell out of my shell again
Hurry
Pick up the pieces
Before somebody notices
And if they don't all fit
Well it's okay
I can do without
And if I put it all together wrong
Well that's okay too
At least I'm whole again
Fell out of my shell again
Better pick up the pieces
Before I notice
(96/97)




Eyes Sewn Shut
Mother, open your eyes,
Father, is it such a big surprise?
That I turned out this way,
That I'm not okay?
When you said I'd be a loser, an embarrassment to you,
After all those years, how could I not think it true?
A little faith was all I was needing,
And maybe my heart wouldn't be bleeding
I had to find my solace somehow,
Drugs and alcohol showed me how.
Life is a game I cannot win,
Although I may give up, I will not give in.
To your ideals and society's way,
What I feel is what I will say.
Because you had no faith, because you didn't believe,
Neither did I, and it is pain that I leave.
If you ever cared why didn't you say so?
Then maybe this wouldn't be the path I would have to go.
(96/97)
(Although the rest are all from my emotions/ experiences, this one has a large strand of truth at it's center, but is exaggerated a bit.)



Meta
Fading into the light
I lost my darkness somewhere
Tried to get it back
Found myself in nowhere
Slipped into the sun
Could not find a raindrop
Without the pouring water
Somehow felt my soul drop
Pulled off my star
Free falling in this lost space
Where is my shadowy comfort?
Need to find my own space
(96/97)




Stone
Harsh fluorescent light
From dull dusty lips
Hard cracked cement
Forms hand, feet, hips
Not all that special
Guess after all I'm like the rest
Just a rusty piece of metal
Far from the best
Mind made of brick
Heart made of stone
Is it any wonder
That I feel alone?
(96/97)

Wow! Everything seemed so much larger back then, didn't it? It seems like there really wasn't a lot of middle ground. Everything was either great, or terrible. I'm glad I've found some balance since then! I'm also glad to have learned that a poem doesn't have to rhyme to be good!

Poetry

She's too old to be brave
anymore
life is too uncertain
things move too quickly
she doesn't understand
the way things move these days
so she stays
in her empty life
in her loveless home
because it's the life she knows
it may be devoid of happiness
but it's hers
and it's consistent
and she's not so young anymore
she doesn't realize
that it's never too late
to start over
05-09-04


this tortured soul
that walks in invisible tears
all shades of gray
always in shadows
never in the sun
nor in the safety of true black
I'm unforgiven
by the one that matters most
myself
I can not put these ghosts to rest
I don't know how
to slay them where they sleep
I don't know how
to control them when they wake
I drown here over and over
in the guilt and pain
waiting for the shadows
to swallow me whole
05-14-04

clockwork

Like two clocks

out of sync

we try to wind

ourselves together

somehow

no matter

how hard we try

to meet in the middle

we always end up

with our hands

pointing in

opposite directions

(04-18-06)

Gift - Leonard Cohen

You tell me that silence
Is nearer to peace than poems
But if for my gift
I brought you silence
(For I have know silence)
You would say
This is not silence
This is another poem
And you would hand it back to me

mist

In the end we are all ghosts here. Screaming to be noticed in voices they never hear.
We become corporeal only when they want to take possession of us. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes distasteful, but almost always leaving us still empty inside. They only understand one way to fill us.
Why is it that men never seem to notice that we spend too much time invisible for our smiles to ever reach our eyes?

One More Poem

Glazed eyes staring out into the cold
grey skies, grey heart
all the color has bleed away
no blacks, no whites, it's all shades of grey

a silence descends on my soul
left here with out a voice
waiting for the purity of snow
to lay a blanket over me

night and day cycle endlessly
each as grey as the last
while all my regrets
cycle endlessly in my brain

I look to the sky in vain
searching of any sign of change
any pale hint of color
any sign of life over the horizon

(03-03-06)

Two new poems (mostly finished)

You shine on me gently
a distant star
in the cold, unforgiving night

I fear your disintigration
as the frozen space
tries to close you in

I want to bring you close
to keep you from the darkness
to keep you warm

a swirling supernova
you hold such power
in a single word, a sigh

you have woven a net
star-fire, to cover over me
I can not fight this

enraptured by your light
I wait silently
longing for your embrace
(03-03-06)


A shining supernova
in the expanse of darkness
I am enraptured by you

a net of star-fire
a shining silken ribbon
your likely snare

I can not fathom it
the power you hold
for you I'd burn oceans

you hold heaven in your eyes
fire on your lips
in your heartbeat is my breath
(03-03-06)




______________________________________________________________
Comments:
(Originally posted on myspace on April 25th)

Patience

04/27/06 8:28am

She is certainly a lucky girl to have caught your attention like that!

Patience

____________________________________________________________

Aeryn

04/27/06 10:58am

*S* A Ralph Waldo Emmerson quote comes to mind-
"Thou art a delicious torment to me."

Poetry

If the moon
refused to shine
if the sun
hid from us his face
my world
would not be dark
you are my light
water in the desert
the voice
calling me home
into your arms
into refuge
from the cruel world
where everything changes
you always stay
close to me
(01-01-05)

If love
was all butterflies
it would be easy
to stay together
forever
life is never
simple
never a fairytale
we fight each day
to keep in step
the bitter makes the sweet
which we hold so close
that binds our souls
locked
in each other's arms
even my dreams
are of you
(01-01-05)

Luscious vision of summer
it felt like death
beneath you
sweet wind
whispering my name
(01-01-05)

Drunk in the moment
never was winter so sweet
like rain
honey
the moon
a spring in the forest
a dream of light
an eternity in your arms
I will sleep tonight
singing in shadows
(01-01-05)

Poetry

love is a drug
heavy in my soul
between
night and fire
making time long
it's never my life
that I live
as you play
so sweetly with me
I'm screaming
beneath the noise
12-04

Poetry

I am blank
empty inside
waiting for dark
waiting for home
waiting for something
to write on my soul
something that will be
mine alone
01-03-04




the game
is always being played
it's been going on for ages
but now
it's about to shift
you can feel it in the air
things are about to change
things are about to get nasty
I wait with anticipation
just like the rest of them
it doesn't seem that anyone
can win this one
I await the blood
I await the triumph
after all
who really cares who wins?
so long as there is someone
broken and bleeding
01-03-04




turn your head for a moment
and you will get lost
never really able
to catch up again
to wear you were
where you knew
exactly what was going on
turn your head for a moment
and the moment
is forever gone
01-03-04

Poetry

sitting here
you want me to play
a game
I don't know the rules to
a game
you know I can't win
sometimes I think
you just want to see me lose
12-10-03


I want to cut myself
just to know I'm still living
I wonder sometimes
these days
you are never more alive
than when you watch your blood flow
I want to let myself starve
so that I truly know what hunger is
you can never really appreciate anything
until it is gone from you
I want to scream
to be sure I still have a voice
I've been silent for so long
for too long
I want to feel alive again
I am half dead
half asleep
a zombie walking through my days
I go through all the motions
everyday
acting out my life
as if I am really there
12-22-03

Poetry

if I were thin
if I were pretty
maybe they would listen when I speak
if I had ever learned to joke
to laugh
maybe I would be included in the conversation
if I was witty
maybe we could be friends
if I wasn't so weak
maybe I wouldn't care
11-26-03

Poetry

He wears a Harvard t-shirt
As he steps on the bus
Coming from the community college
Does he see the irony in it?
I turn my gaze back to my book
After all, you don't want to get caught
noticing other people
Not on the bus in the city
I wonder if he has Harvard dreams
Ivy league friends, afternoons of rugby
Dreams of a six digit starting salary
If you study hard enough
Want it bad enough
It can happen
Another pretty lie told to children
Does he know he's too old to believe this?
That he should be cynical and jaded
Just like the rest of us
There is no room for Harvard dreams
Not on this city bus.




water is a purifying substance
cool caresses of the river
wrapped in a lover's embrace in the shower
sweet kiss, to temper the flames that burn with in
they still rise, higher and hotter
never cooling down, always continuing to grow
I fear what may happen
if they are able to get out of my control
surely something I will regret
my heart burnt out, broken by my own hands
soul a charred pile, smoldering ash
I will lay down in cool water tonight
I will tie cinder blocks to my hands
to my feet
I will not allow this fire to consume me
I will not be my own angel of death
instead I will fill my lungs with this divine gift
and become my own
angel of mercy




I have breathed in the moon
I have known what it is to truly love
I have been my own best friend
my own worst enemy
I have spent summer days that never ended
I have spent nights that were eternal
I have known desire's touch and the star's sweet kiss
I have been caressed by the sun
I have been warmed by a mother's endless love
I have known divinity, and the meaning of sacredness
I have known what it is to be at peace with all things
somehow though, it isn't enough




the stars kiss me, sweet and shyly
the moon has embraced me, cool and soft
she has called me her daughter
claimed me as her own

it's never the same after
the sun seems too bright
too hot and cruel
the cover of night is my only sanctuary

I become more like her
cool, distant, mesmerizing, aloof
I am thin, then round, then thin again
until finally in the night I slip into nothing at all

look for me not on the cold earth
but in the expanse of the sky
I will kiss you still
with the shy and sweet kiss of starlight

(All from 09-12-03)

Poetry

if I could
freeze time
here within
this moment
I would
be content
to be in your arms
forever
7-18-01




let this moment
last forever
there is no where else
I could wish to be
then right here
within your arms
nothing else
could be this good
7-18-01

Poetry

I want to gather
these miles between us
like unused ribbon
laying on the floor
to make them disappear
with my small hands
to bring you near
within my arms once more
6-14-01



my lips have grown cold
my hands tired with longing
a phone that doesn't ring
and an empty bed
are all I have
remove this torment from me
burn this love from my heart
I am tired and sick with desire
I ache to be in your arms
alone here with a weary soul
warm my lips with your kiss
awaken my hands with your touch
let me see your face
and lay close to you
let my soul feel alive
6-14-01




filled with this desire
the weight of
your lips on mine
of your body
the sweetness
of your hands
on my skin
of your kiss
let you hands
travel my flesh
your kisses
intoxicate me
fill me body and soul
this joy is divine
your weight on me
and the world disappears
6-14-01




I long for your kiss
how my lips miss
the sweetness
of your own
your voice
gentle in my ear
your arms
wrapped around me
surely there is nothing
more true than this
when you touch me
my spirit
takes flight
6-14-01

I felt the stars collide at your touch
I saw heaven within your eyes and hand
I didn't think I would want this so much
in your arms I find a safe place to land

all the sky diamonds shine for us tonight
the moon smiles her beauty on you and I
bathing us in such a radiant light
kiss me here, under the blanket of sky

as we touched, I felt the world spinning round
only for us the wind sang it�s silent song
didn't know I was lost until I was found
when I am not near you, time is ever long
take my hand and fly away with me now
under pale moonlight I will show you how
02/06/01


I love to touch you
to feel your skin
smooth beneath my fingers
hard muscle underneath
to lay my head on your chest
coarse hair beneath my cheek
the safety of your arms around me
and heart beat under my ear
the softness of your lips on mine
the taste of you skin on my tongue
the weight of your body over me
this bliss is surely divine
4-20-01




I Love You

how fragile these words sound
how we dare not say them
as if to admit it
will bring down heavy clouds
baring into our souls
unraveling our hearts
and our hands
from each other's bodies
but I will drop all my fears
and say it now boldly
even if you can not hear
and the earth will not shatter
our limbs will remain entwined
my lips and heart still warm
from your kiss
I miss you tonight
and I love you
6-14-01

Poetry

with a kiss you awakened me
from the deep sleep of the soul
my numb and dead body
alive again with your touch
you gave me strength
to climb from the ashes
this dead thing I called life
was soon far behind me
when you touch me
I know that I am truly alive
5-01



let me slip back into dreams
at least there I can hold you
and keep you close to me
feeling you at my side
daylight comes far to soon
I must awake, alone in my bed
knowing as I reach for you
my arms will come away empty
let me dream of you again
your arms tight around me
for I am alone here
at least for tonight
5-30-01




wake me from this dream
that you are close to me
I spend these sleepless nights
longing for your touch
my sleep holds dreams of you
yet I awake alone
wondering where you are
reaching out to hold you
I walk the streets aimlessly
looking for something I will not find
longing only to see your face
to feel your lips on mine
come to me soon my dearest
only your touch can awaken me
put your arms around me
let me feel alive again
5-30-01