Um, yeah, sure, what ever

So, it's 1 in the morning, I've been drinking, wait, no, I'm drunk, I may as well admit it. Okay, so It;s 1 in the morning I'm drunk and I'm blogging. I'm pretty damn sure that this is not a good sign. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm listening to Joy Division? So it's 1 am I'm drunk, blogging and listening to Joy Division. You can judge for yourself how this is gonna go. Oh, now I'm listening to Tori Amos. (As if that is so much better!) Oh wait, now it's Imogen Heap! (Yeah, still not much better!)

Yeah, so I'm a bit drunk, sitting here blogging, thinking about life. I'm talking to my ex-husband through myspace email as I type. (I bet that is a suprise to some of you isn't it? That I was marrried once. For now all I will say is that I was too young to know what I wanted. Maybe someday I will tell the whole story. You'll have to ask first. It's not a part of my life that I'll willingly divulge. However, it is part of my past, and part of what has made me the person I am today). Although I wish that things had turned out differently I still am thankfull for the lessons learned.

You know I have to break from my current train of though to say a big F you to those who I thought were my true friends. Those whoI thought would be there for me. Now, I know that they are both going though thier own troubles. I really do. However, you would think that for all the love I have shown them, for all the selfless and even self-sacrificing actions, they would be there for me when I needed them. One I have not heard from since I told her the news. The other is too wrapped in her own life to notice my need of her. It's kind of funny, I will probably forgive the first one before the second. Even though the second had better reasons. I guess it is because the first has such a tie around my heart.

Oh hell, I'll admit it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on, what life is all about. I suppose that we each do the best with the knowlage we are given. I almost think (and fear) that my lesson for this life time is not just to love. That my lesson is humility.

So, um, yeah, it's a bit later. (3:30 in the morning) I've spent almost an hour and a half talking to John. It was good. It was cleansing to my soul. I feel a bit of closer now. I know that it won't be that last conversation that we have. I can't help but think that this is a good thing. I feel like I've grown a lot in this past year. I understand so much more than I used to. I have a greater capacity for love, for compassion and empathy. I feel a lot more at peace than I did yesterday. I feel like I have a greater understanding of, well, of something. Of something huge, and important. Something that is right around the corner. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm not as scared of the learning process as I was. This makes me very happy. It's not in my nature to be scared of anything. It's especially not in my nature to be scared of knowladge. I am looking forward to the changes ahead, and even the challanges. Even if they are hard, I know that I will be a better person because of them. I actually am looking forward to the challanges ahead of me! I am finally ready to face my future. I will do it with hope. With hope, and joy, and optimism. I know it will be hard. I also know that it will be worth it.

A couple of movies, and a silly celebrity website! (Fri Gaming & entertainment post)

Has anyone else heard about the movie Tideland? It looks bizarre and intriguing.

Plot summary- "Jeliza-Rose is a young girl in a very unusual situation both of her parents are junkies and she is usually left to her own devices for entertainment. When her mother dies, her father takes her to a remote farm in the country, she escapes the vast loneliness of her new home by retreating into a world that exists only in her mind. Here, fireflies have names, bog-men awaken at dusk, and squirrels talk. And the heads of her four dolls Mystique, Baby Blonde, Glitter Gal, and Sateen Lips long since separated from their bodies, keep her company."

I think that I may go see it. I'm not quite sure that I'm going to to think its a good movie. It's so damn bizarre that it makes me want to see it though. It starts today at the Lagoon. Does any one want to go see it with me?



Another bizarre looking movie I found out about this week is We Are The Strange. (Thanks Trevor!) I am very intrigued by this one, and will definitely go see it once it is finished. It's a one man project, done in 'Str8nime.' I bet that if you didn't already know about this film, by now you're wondering what it's about, and what the hell str8nime is, aren't you? I could try to explain it, but it's really one of those things you have to see for yourself. So go ahead and click of one of those handy links I've put in for you, and check it out!


And the last thing for today, a celebrity blog I even enjoy! The Superficial knows as well as you & I do that the only thing most popular celebrities are good for is making fun of! That's all that they do, and they do it reasonably well even! It's great for days when you're feeling catty and snarky and really just want to laugh at some one. It's also great for bad days too! It reminds you that it could be worse, you could be Paris Hilton!

Playlist - becuase somebody else has already said it better!

Assorted stuff that makes me think of some of you. It you think I posted a song in reference to you, you're probably right! But go ahead & send me a message or leave me a comment if you want to know for sure. *grin*


Let Go - Frou Frou

Drink up, baby, down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go
Jump in
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap

here's the day you hoped would never come
don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers
the coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

there there baby, it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't lose your head
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

sleeping pills know
sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
you can't keep on like this
now's a bad a time as any

there there baby it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
now now darling, don't kill yourself
none of us were angels
and you know I love you, yeah

Lullaby – Assemblage 23

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

The Walk – Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now because you and I were never meant to meet
I think you better leave, it’s not safe in here
I feel a weakness coming on

Inside out, upside down twisting beside myself
Stop that now you're as close as it gets without touching me
And don't make it harder then it already is
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day
That’s where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehaving
Oh, I was doing so well, could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, yeah
No, it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Songs for the wind and stars

If I Could - Phish

Take me to another place, she said
Take me to another time
Run with me across the oceans
Float me on a silver cloud

If I could I would, but I don't know how
If I could I would, but I don't know how
If I could I would and I'd take you now

Do What You Have To Do - Sarah MacLachlan

...

And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

...

I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

I Am In Love With You - Imogen Heap

I am in love with you
I am in love with you baby
I am in love with you yeah
Live for the moment

Right now another please
Right now another please
Just like that aaah
Like that, another one babe
And kiss me for longer

Oh hey baby don't you run away
Come here and finish what you started

I am in love with you
I am in love with you baby
I am in love with you yeah
At least for the moment

Split second and it's all in smoke yeah
So wet this fire dry

No don't get yourself in situations
No don't get yourself in situations
Darling that you can't handle

No I don't mind if you forget yourself
No I don't mind did you forget yourself darling?

Come on into my bed with me
You know you want to

I'm not in love with you
I'm not in love with you baby
I'm not in love with you yeah
Not anymore


Fly Away - Poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way.
That the sky should break,and the earth should shake.
As if to say, “Sure it all matters, but in such an unimportant way.”
As if to say, “Fly away, sweet bird of prey, fly, fly away.”
Nothing can stand in your way, sweet bird
If you knew the words I know you'd say, “Fly, fly away.”

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way.
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake.
As if to say, “Sure, it don't matter, except in the most important way.”
As if to say, “Fly away, sweet bird of prey, fly, fly away.”
I won't stand in your way, sweet bird
If you knew the words, I know that you'd say, “fly away.”

It makes sense that it should feel this way.
That you slowly fade, yet still remain.
As if to say, “Everything matters in such an invisible way.”
As if to say, “It's okay, fly away.”

Think of Me - Sarah Brightman

Think of me, think of me fondly
When we say goodbye
Remember me once in a while
Promise me you’ll try

When you find that once again you long
To take your heart back and be free
If you ever find a moment
Spare a thought for me

...

We never said our love was ever green
Or as unchanging as the sea
but please promise me
that sometimes you will think of me.

A single song for a land slide

Which Drink - Levi Weaver

so which drink did my memory drown in?
and which thought was the first one to consider him?
and which night was the night when the kingdom I thought I was king of fell
like the walls at the waves of a broken dam
make me a broken man

so if we're all guilty, what's the point in pointing fingers anyway?

...

and oh the things I've tried to cover up and compromise
put it up on a shelf, hide it in sheet rock - wrap it in cellophane
but this is not a phase you can ignore 'till it goes away
I've got to face this now
I've got to take these walls down

so this is the last song in a series titled 'how you broke my heart'
and I think it's the best one, and here comes my favorite part
I forgive you
and I'm sorry
and I'm sorry it took so long
and I wish you the best in everything
I wish you the best in everything

Songs for the ocean

A Letter To Elise - The Cure

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like we keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do
I know I'll never really get inside of you
To make your eyes catch fire the way they should
The way the blue could pull me in
If they only would, if they only would
At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else
That hides away

From me to you there are worlds to part
With aching looks and breaking hearts
And all the prayers your hands can make
Oh I just take as much as you can throw
And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away

Like throwing faces at the sky like throwing arms round
Yesterday I stood and stared wide-eyed in front of you
And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to
But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do

Elise believe I never wanted this
I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
But I let the dream go
And the promises broke and the make-believe ran out...

So Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
Every way to smile, forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this, any more than this

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand as fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
At all...


Loose Ends - Imogen Heap

we're kissing without kissing
got it down to a fine art
love's supposed to keep you young & frisky
we grew up and wide apart
not now not ever, no it's never a good time
how will the good times ever roll along
comparing photos that are no longer there
just wondering where it all went wrong

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
we're overrated anyway


Northern Lad - Tori Amos

...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold
I loved his secret places, but I can't go anymore
"You change like sugar cane" says my northern lad
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars

I feel the west in you
And I feel it falling apart too
Don't say that you don't
And if you could see me now
Said if you could see me now
Girls you've got to know
When it's time to turn the page
When you're only wet
Because of the rain


Strange - Tori Amos

Strange, thought I knew you well
Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change in your eyes
So strange
Woke up to a world that I am not a part
Except when I can play it's stranger

...

"Just stay," you said "we'll build a nest"
So I left my life
Tried on your friends, tried on your opinions
So when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
I put our snowflake under a microscope

After all what was I really looking for
and I wonder when will I learn
Maybe my wish knew better than I did
and I wonder when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in deeper than I thought I was
if I have enough love for the both of us

so strange now I'm finally in
the party has begun
it's not like I can't feel you still
but strange
what I will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now I must be leaving

A Few Random Thoughts

So, I was going to do a real post today. I was going to do an art post, with links & cool pictures & everything! However, I only had one site that I found interesting enough to share, so I'm just going to wait until next week. So you get a personal update post instead. After all, that's the reason I started a blog, wasn't it? Hold on for just a minute, because I'm not so sure now.

*goes back into my archives & looks it up* (April 2, 2006 if you're interested.)

Yup, that is the reason that I started it. I think that I'm getting better about the whole opening up thing. I really do. Sure I've had a few set backs. A couple of very painful experiences regarding trusting other people with my feelings, and a lot of heartbreak. I've learned a lot though. About myself, about people I thought I knew, and about human nature in general. And a hell of a lot about love.

At this point I'd like to say thank you to all of those people that have helped me gain all of this insight. Some of you know who you are.

And I'd like to say an even larger thank you to all of you who have been there for me while all this learning has taken place. I don't know how I would have managed it with your unending patience, beers, offers to crash on your couch, distractions and shoulders to cry on through all of my circular logic, mopey silences, grieving, finally accepting things as they are, and all of my scatteredness with all of the change going on. Bev & Patience, you have both gone above & beyond the call of friendship, and I am so thankful for you both. There are no words to tell you the gratitude, respect, and love I have for both of you.

I'm looking forward to 2007. This has been a pretty rough year for pretty much every one I know. At least there is finally light on the horizon!

I'm also looking forward to Seattle. A new city, a fresh start and all that. I think that I'm going to end up needing to pretty much cut ties with everyone for a few months once I get there. Not so much for my sake as for every one else's. I know that I'm going to self destruct a bit. And now that I've cured myself of all of my vices, it's going to happen in more subtle ways. It's probably going to be pretty messy inside of my head for a while. No one else needs to see that. Yes, I know that's what my friends are there for. I don't want to drag any one else down with me. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything harmful to myself. I'm not going to take up any unsafe behaviors, I promise. I won't let myself sink too low either. I've been through much worse and been able to pull myself back out of it. I don't expect this time will be any different. Plus, I enjoy life way too much to let myself stay down for very long.

Things are already so much better than they were a month ago even. I've been able to strengthen a few old friendships, and make a couple of new ones. One person in particular has done a lot to help restore my faith in humanity in general. It's kind of funny how much we affect each other's lives, often with out realizing it. After having only known him for more than a day or so, he already had quite an impact on me. I've very glad to have meet him, even if he may be trying to kill me!

Okay, I think that this is enough sharing for one day!

What Temperament Are You?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Yeah, that really is pretty accurate!