I have a friend that I thought was a really good friend. When she and her boyfriend broke up, I didn't think twice about offering to let her come to my place. For as long as she wanted, or needed for that matter. Because that's waht friends do, right? At least, that's what I always thought. When a close friend is in need, I will do what ever I can to help them. (I should note, that it does take me a long time to get to this point. I can count on on hand the people I would do this for. And I count myself very lucky that it takes more than one finger to count the people I'm willing to go this far for.)
Well, I broke up with my boyfriend (of almost 6 years) yesterday. I saw this friend, we'll call her Jane, on IM a couple of hours ago. I've been feeling much more lonely than I thought I would, so I said hello to her. I told her how lonely I was feeling, and that I was sitting alone, drinking. I also mentioned that I would really like some company right now.
She told me that I should call another friend. We'll call her Jen. ( I spent last night at Jen's apartment, on the couch.) She note's that that way, I'll at least have "a shoulder to cry on."
Now, I know that Jen has to be to work early tomarrow morning. Jane doesn't have to be to work until at least noon, if even then. I mention that, and that I know Jen would stay up all night with me if I asked, but she already has a lot on her plate right now. I don't want to add an extra burden to it.
She says okay, but if I stay at my place, not to drink too much, but she worries. I'm thinking "You worry? Yeah, right! If you worried, you'd be offering to come here, or for me to go there. You know how hard it is for me to open up to people, and to admit that I need any one else. You f*&^ing know how hard it was for me to say this to you, and you know that this is as close as I can come to asking you to be there for me right now."
I know that opening up to others is an area I need to work on. But I also know that she knows this. And that she knows that this is as close as I can come to asking for help. And she's too damn busy talking to her new boyfriend, or what ever to be there when I need her.
I am in so much pain right now. I am so tired of being the strong one, the dependable one. Sometimes I need some one to be there for me, and a chance to cry on some one else's shoulder. I'm so tired of crying alone.
Maybe I expect too much from people, but I really feel like this was a really crappy thing to do. I had thought that maybe the other lesson I had to learn from this was that I need to open up more, and let people in a little bit. Now I'm thinking that maybe the other lesson is that I can not depend on any one else to be there, ever. That I need to get by on what ever strength I can muster on my own. That we all are truely alone.